dear God,
while I believe You are the creator of this universe and are all powerful, omnipresent and the most benevolent God, sometimes I just don't understand You.
don't get me wrong, of course You do not seek my understanding. I can spend my life being confused by Your actions and it would not have to matter to You even a tiny bit. but I am confused. You see, I grew up learning that You are the almighty God, who loves us so much whether or not we were Christians. You love everyone despite race, language, religion, fat, skinny, tall, short, 'ugly', 'pretty', etc. I learnt that You are merciful and that You sent Your only son to die on the cross for us, so that we may be with You in heaven when we die. so I know that You love as that much that You had to go through such a painful experience, forsaking Jesus on the cross. that is a lot of love.
so imagine the first time I realized how cruel the world is, or rather, how cruel You let the world be. it happened during 9/11, when I saw a picture in the papers of a man falling to his death, the crumbling buildings in the background. and I thought, this man doesn't deserve to die. all he was doing was going to work. that is all. 9/11 was the work of man, so I saw it as murder, and this man was simply an unlucky chap. and then in 2004, the Indian Ocean earthquake that struck Aceh killed over 200, 000 people. that is not murder. 200, 000 unlucky chaps. God, if You are as powerful as has been taught, I don't know why You would allow such things to happen. if natural disasters are the inevitable prerequisite to Jesus' coming again, I don't know why You had such a clause be added to the written Word, the true Word. see, I thought You loved all mankind, and I know You do. I don't want to accuse You of anything, God, but I am just wondering...
I just read a passage depicting how it is not You who sends these calamities. rather, it is when Adam & Eve sinned that they opened the floodgates for such things to occur. apparently, since You are a God of love, You could not stop Eve from eating the apple, since that would be undermining the free will of humans, and thus, You would become a God of force. furthermore, Lucifer is satan because You did not stop him from becoming evil -- that is not in Your nature, as a God of love. so Satan is the one who brings these calamities, given permission when Adam & Eve sinned. given permission by You.
to be honest, God, I think You could have used a little force. somewhere here, somewhere there. maybe the world would be better off. surely a parent, once in his life, has prevented/stopped his child from doing something bad/wrong. that is the role of a parent, to make sure his kid does not go awry. and he does it out of love. millions of innocent lives that were lost without the slightest interference from You? I do not understand at all.
God, I don't want to undermine Your power. I do not want to question Your love. I know You love us very much and I'm not about believe that any less. but I just wish You would tell me, just give me a sign as to how this will all eventually make sense. how can this ever make sense?! it is frustrating, it is terrifying. I can only pray that I have more faith that I do right now, to have more faith that You are in control and that You will eventually make everything okay. because I know that You and I both know there are many people who have died that do not deserve to. died prematurely, died suddenly, died in their prime. and it makes me want to pull my hair out and ask, then what is the point of living if we were to never get to live it fully? it makes me afraid of walking out of my house, afraid of the rhythmic beating of my heart, afraid of that pain that is building in the left side of my head. it makes me afraid of my family leaving for work, Gus going to school, my grandparents climbing the stairs. it's unfair & I need some help.
Please help me.
Love,
me
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