in the morning my mother fetched me to j8 where i had breakfast with gus at yakun. we put too much black sauce with our eggs, dipped our toast into it and enjoyed. i like to spread the square of butter over the surface of the entire toast... if not it seems unfair. i also don't like to bite into such a concentrated chunk of butter. it feels unhealthier.

then i drove to school and studied with bert. demoralized, is all i can say. the feeling you get when you read, and read, and read and can only think, 'what is the point?' meaning, i do not understand a fuck. furthermore i looked at my lecture notes and i cannot find the reading on the main points of the lecture. so overall a very befuddling day. the library gets crowded around 930am with everybody trying to cram in the hours. around 2pm people look so drained and tired, it's a very sad scene

i left at 4pm to pick up my sister from school because my mother was sick, so i wanted to do her a favour. in the morning she coughed a lot while driving. i came home and lolled around in bed. i entertained the thought of studying more. i entertained it until suddenly it was 745pm and time for dinner.

there is this girl who is a friend... not exactly. we don't hang out, we are not close or anything but we know each other. and basically she is "amazing." i understand she is extremely smart, super hardworking, fairly well off, "hot" by society's perceptions, has a fun social life, etc. she is one year older than i am. when i see her updates on facebook i always think. well why can't i be like her. but then today i caught myself doing that and reminded myself that, i can't be like her because i am not her and there is no point in this vicious trap of coveting, except to make me feel shitty about myself. and why do i have to do that? the only legit reasons humans have to feel shitty about themselves is if they are genuinely horrible people (e.g. dictators, extreme racists, serial killers, over-self-absorbed beings, etc) which i'm inclined to believe that i am... not. so i don't need a reason to feel that i am a piece of shit. i will save that for when i really am a piece of shit i.e. unemployed thirty-year-old woman weighing 90kg in obvious mid-life crisis

my meelo

also it's funny, in the morning i told my mum that my dog, meelo (she's a cocker spaniel), her hind legs looked kinda funny when she walked. she's kinda dragging them more than she is actively using them and so i was a bit worried. but in the end she wasn't in pain or anything, so i put it down to the fact that she's getting a bit old (seven human years now). but it worried me a bit. and just a few hours ago i found out a good friend's dog just passed away from a heart attack, but her dog is really old, older than mine. i feel very sad because i've played with her dog before. he's a very playful maltese, can be fierce at times but still a great dog. i cannot imagine her pain but i started to think that if meelo ever left i would be so depressed. yesterday i walked her and she would pull me in all directions to smell all kinds of things. she is still active now but i really dread the day she can barely move. sometimes i don't show it but i love my meelo a lot.