today gus and i had a very nice, very thought provoking conversation in my car. udders had no seats, so i bought my hazelnut double scoop and we sat in the car talking. i told him i was entering a point in my life where i'm realizing a lot of the things about myself. things i maybe used to hate/dislike but am now realizing is how God made me, and so i should be happy with what i have. and we talked about that, about race and about being asian. we talked about how a lot of singaporeans are consumed by the idea of lack that asians have in comparison to caucasians. we talked about how this is all very superficial, that asians have a lot of things to be thankful for, and appreciative of. i trust his opinion on these things because he lived for 4, 5 years in the U.S. and so he knows from first-hand experience what it's like to be a minority, how different it is compared to here. i trust when he says there's nothing that we should feel inferior to the whites about.

we also talked about singapore politics, about the PAP, about lee hsien loong and his father. this was all triggered this morning when he told me to read the q&a lee hsien loong had at NUS recently, and i did. and i told gus later on when we met that i think lee hsien loong is the best PM out of the three. i said, lee kuan yew had all the brains but no compassion. he's a colder, more business-only. goh chok tong on the other hand, was a little softer, which was better, but he did not have that precision and focus that lky is famous for. but lee hsien loong is a nice balance of both. he is very clever, very precise and very insightful, but he is also an approachable man, has a friendly, kind face. smiles a lot more than his father. i think like lky he makes no apologies for the things he says, yet he's more tactful than lky in that he never puts himself in a position where he is pressured to apologize. i actually like him a lot. he might not be the determined, full-steam-ahead man his father was, but politics must change with the times.

when i talk with gus i feel like i can easily tell him what i think, articulate and find words to present my argument well, rebut with confidence. i can focus better in processing what his argument is, soak in his words and try to fit everything together. i can say what's on my mind coherently and generate higher level arguments. he said it's because i'm not afraid of him judging me, i'm not afraid to be corrected by him, to be wrong. because we're so close i don't care if he shoots down what i say, i don't care if he thinks it's dumb. but in school i am cautious about every word that leaves my mouth. i rarely speak up in class because i know people will judge me. how do i know? because i judge others who speak up, and the thoughts i sometimes have about some people, i know people might have the same thoughts about me. feel like this is an unhealthy way of being, low confidence in what i think and have to say, but that is just me. one day i hope i will not be like this anymore, that i can be as confident anywhere as i am with gus.