in the car home, my brain was assuaged with countless thoughts, none of which had to do with schoolwork, the first of which was 'this is ridiculous.'

ridiculous that i should take the syllables that roll off my tongue and hang them up on a line in a dark room. do the same for yours and wait for the results. why do i need to see if you are better than me. why do i have to scramble and dig for my "achievements", sum up the total and make a table with two columns, 'you', 'me'. why. why does it matter.

should i feel shitty about myself because i didn't get straight As for a levels? or that i'm in FASS and you are in oxford or yale or some shit like that? or that you are 170cm with legs to die for but my thighs jiggle when i walk? must i? i feel obligated to to remind myself of these 'failures' but i don't know who is obligating me.

need to escape this, this, this. society or social construct. every time with one hand on the rung, you are already ten rungs above. i don't give a fuck about grades.. merely going through the motions of study simply to appease that goddamn singaporean in me. if i did not know or understand the practice of labeling, i would not know that people could be labeled. and if i did not know then perhaps i would be someone vastly different than i am today.. everyone would. wish that suddenly my vision would blur and become clear to a whole different world but still the same. la même chose. 


otherwise yesterday we watched watchmen and the sex scene was so off-putting that i keep thinking about it. it was also really awkward because we watched it with Gus's mom we ended up fast-forwarding that bit