so i logged into some website and clicked accept. if all goes well, in september 2012 i will be in france until january. when i process that i can feel part of me feel excited and the other part raging, what have you done. why did you do this. i told Gus, many people break up while on exchange. and he said, you have to start to realize that we are more mature than you think... stop thinking like that. i said, i know i won't cheat on you, so if we do break up it's because you'll have cheated on me. so can you promise me you won't. and he said, of course. that's easy.

i must really hate myself to think that someone who has stuck with my bullshit for what will have been 3 years by the time i leave, will leave me the moment the plane's wheels tuck themselves underneath the steel like a duck. i must really hate myself to think that as it sails across the watery skies, the clouds it leaves behind are going to arrest 3 years of <this> and throw it into oblivion. i have witnessed enough tragedies to know that trust is on many occasions an investment on the part of the foolish and the naive. but i don't want to be that person who fights her whole life ducking under crumbling buildings and swimming to the surface. things happen. that is all