My mind these days is always on my self-esteem. Today I had coffee with a friend who talked to me about God. I am not entirely sure how this all fell together but he mentioned that people are weak and we are a few things: liars, cheaters, selfish, insecure, incapable -- then he went on to explore 'insecure'. Why are we insecure? It seemed random that he would choose to harp on this one topic but I'm glad he did because insecurity is all that has been on my mind these past few months, and trying to move past it.

He said, when you're insecure, you don't really believe that God loves you. To me that sounds ridiculous. That's one of the most basic things and one of the most fundamental truths I turn to especially when I'm in need -- God loves me. But he said, no. You mustn't believe that. Because if you understood how glorious God is (and he translated the word glorious into the word 'heavy' or worthy. How much God weighs in your life), and you understood then that God in all this power and might, chooses to love YOU, and finds YOU worthy, with all your flaws and sicknesses and fucked up shit going on -- then you wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else ever thought again. Because God is better and greater than anyone who is going to have an opinion on your identity and your being, their opinions become irrelevant when you're secure in the knowledge that God finds you fully worthy despite all the things you are insecure about.

I never thought about it this way, that my insecurities about my looks, my personality were related to how shaky my belief was of God's love for me. That inherently I don't feel like I'm worth anything to Him. All horizontal relationships are affected by the vertical. The whole of Christianity is a paradox. I believe that I am a piece of shit, but God still loves me anyway, so I must be worth something and not a piece of shit. But I am! It's upon this dynamic between humility and undeserved grace that we must operate and live our lives, I think.

Today I went through a really rough day. I think in the past few months the things that have been so important to me just broke down so quickly I never even realised they were so fragile. Since then I've been picking up the pieces and doing things all over again, trying to do them better. But today was one of those days where you've cut yourself on the shards and you just can't help crying, looking at the shabby, dulled version of whatever previous glory you have tried to restore. It was one of those days where I felt so helpless and powerless. I find it sad that I only turn to God when I feel this way. But I did. And just that feeling, when things spin so out of your control that you can't even touch them anymore, to have some knowledge that somebody out there loves you enough to fix it for you instead. And true enough, God came through and made the night better. And through whatever happened today I find myself learning new things and growing stronger from it already.

And this quote. I love it:

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." --- Martin Luther King Jr