sometimes i wonder if some of life's 'biggest joys' can erase a lifetime of regret or self pity. if i had a grandchild would his or her birth alleviate some of my life's greatest sorrows? can i carry on in this state of half-living in the hopes of my salvation resting on another's shoulders? my heart does not feel like a heart to be honest. i feel afraid of it like it does not pump blood, but black sludge through my veins. i feel like it is a source of poison and pain and sometimes i'm afraid of it. but what can i do? i can't kill it without killing me. how do you clean a heart of its wounds and all the scars that make it so so ugly