1. Dinner I cooked for Gus last night. Sesame oil chicken, stir fried potatoes and minced pork, stir fried baby bok choy

2. After eating 3 pounds worth of lobster and a dozen oysters at Pappadeaux. We went home and did nothing after

3. Customized salad from Whole Foods. I love it so much. Mixed greens, tomatoes, broccoli, grilled chicken, corn, peas, baby corn, egg and sesame ginger dressing

Can't explain the dread that fills me when I think about school. Over the years I have come to see NUS as harbinger of all things bad in my life i.e. nothing substantially good has come from NUS. In a way I feel like NUS is just a microcosm of Singapore on the whole, in that it is a place where you simply do what you have to do because it is necessary to some bigger cause. Students also seem to just be school fees-paying beings that have gotten it into their heads that NUS is providing them a special service... what I mean is that I feel that NUS does not necessarily care about its students. I am touched by the odd staff or friends here and there who don't seem fixed into place by the system but on the whole as an institution NUS does not give me the impression that it is somewhere a student can have the best student life. I know I should not complain, but on the other hand I think many of us should. There's a million and one things NUS can improve on if only people speak up.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because it is bidding period and I got a grand total of 1 module. My gripe is that if I find out I'm losing my place in a level 4 module to a year 3 student and because of that they don't allow my appeal to go through, then they're really just insensitive dicks and I have half the mind to make a big deal. Because it is a big deal. In my last year of academic learning, they want to me to take sloppy seconds and leftover modules? Every priority in honours year should go to honours students. It's only logical.

I don't know if I am becoming a stronger person...

I read something that said, "A real woman with confidence is one who earns it from experience. One who falls, knows she can get up again and be alright."

At the end of the day, I think whether or not you find all this self-confidence stuff bullshit or lame, it's the one thing that will push you through every other thing that seems real and therefore 'worthy' (or 'artistic' -.-) i.e. sadness, suffering, evil, etc. Whether or not it is something 'worthy' I think finding your own self worth and being your own person is the only shield/guard you can have in those 'me against the world' moments that come all too often, and are often more severe than they look.

I find it so hard to commit to things. Simple things. Fitness routines, drinking more water, waking up early. I don't know why I have such an issue. You can push yourself through really taxing, difficult spur of the moment things, but find that you lack such strength when it comes to the small things. Funny.

Remembering a thing from A Wild Sheep's Chase by Murakami that I just finished (my first murakami haha).

"I guess I felt attached to my weakness. My pain and suffering too. Summer light, the smell of a breeze, the sound of cicadas -- if I like these things, why should I apologize." 

And I suppose that is all too often what is happening. We grow comfortable with being a blob without bones, slip sliding around doing things with minimal effort so we don't have to know that our best is not good enough. Comfort zones aren't really soft, cushion-y couches, are they? They're more like big shields.. houses that have everything you'll ever need. That contributes to how you see yourself as well. As mediocre because you've never given yourself the opportunity to prove yourself wrong. So ultimately going outside your comfort zone is a way to show yourself that you are better than you think, and if we are our own worst critics, improving your self-perception will enable you to not give a fuck about what others think anyway.