I had lots of thoughts while driving home in the car. I sat in the driver's seat in a daze, foot slightly pushing the accelerator and my right hand resting on the wheel. the streetlights went by quickly, it felt like being in the eye of a storm. a little bit scary; you stop, but the world doesn't give a shit. when everyone said "one" in unison and it became midnight, I didn't feel anything spectacular. I wanted another drink and I wanted a kiss from Gus. at that moment I think I was happy. I reached home alone and now I feel sad

one of my thoughts was, why do people always think of life as a journey? or as a linear/longitudinal thing? why is it not kind of like the big bang? expanding outwards? or, why is it not the opposite? growing inwards and curling into itself and disappearing with the culmination of death? I feel like that's what life is like. when you are born you are the most important thing in the world. you are bigger than life and you are interested in everything. you are oblivious to what claws lie beyond the shelter of your mother's arms and the warmth of your father's embrace... as you get older you start to become smaller. you realize how you are quite insignificant as you start to meet more people who do things better, who achieve greater successes. you learn about how the milky way is only one of thousands of galaxies. you get lost in the numerous doctrines presented to you on a silver platter, about deities and gods who wield powers and magic beyond human imagination. this goes on until one day you die, and your insignificance culminates in that: you become nothing

not a positive way to start the new year? perhaps not. another thing: why do we use years to define things... if you take away the years, all you have is days following days following days. I think the years have given everyone the false impression of renewal. if anyone really wanted renewal, there's no point in waiting until the new year, is there? if we lived without knowing the time would we live better? no expectations of things to complete by certain ages, no rushing about trying to meet deadlines... maybe

lastly, the idea of being depressed has always kind of amused me. I've always thought, there's nothing to be depressed about especially not in Singapore! but while driving home it finally dawned on me: how terrifying the idea is that a person can feel trapped while standing in a huge field. or that a person can wake up and start to feel nervous/anxious to face the world. or that a person can want to shut his/her eyes and never open them again. I think the worst thing to have to feel is to feel helpless.

I am eliminating year-time: today is not the new year. it is merely the day after December 31st. it is January 1st and that has no inherent meaning whatsoever