In a strange twist of events, recently I've been immersed in the company of people at school in a way I've not been used to for a long, long time now. On one hand, I'm extremely grateful. I always think about how lonely I am, and now I have this group of people who want to eat lunch with me, and talk with me, and so on and so forth. Which is amazing, and if they ever read this they will probably stop eating lunch with me, but.

On the other hand, it's so unfamiliar that I find it hard to adjust. I sit there and listen more than speak, interspersing with phrases I find funny in my head or anecdotes that are irrelevant. I don't meet them very often but still, I miss silence and loneliness aloneness, and the feeling of, I'm alone, but I'm okay. I think I have to ease into it... I realised it's much better to have friends in classes you take just because it stimulates conversation that can help you, and of course PS majors all have common interests in a way, so it's good conversation that doesn't revolve around bitching and gossiping or that sort of thing.

Sometimes I think my world is okay, just my family, Gus and me. But I know it's not.

I dread ______. Having to sit and half watch and half listen. I can't stop the anger starting to boil inside me, I can't stop the desire to punch you in the fucking face. Trust me, I want to reach that place of peace and forgiveness and zen and some other Gandhi crap but to be honest I'm far, far away from that. And so I dread it, because I know if it comes down to it I really want to be the better person, the bigger one, and maybe extend my hand for a shake... but I know I'll just slap you instead