you know that sinking feeling you feel when you get back a test paper, when you see that number or that grade. i will never get used to it.

sitting in my brother's room trying to figure out what i feel towards girls who really think they're really hot, manifested through excessively narcissistic photos on fb/blogs that nobody requested, or addictions to competitive events in the 'looks' arena e.g. pageants and so on. because i thought about what someone said, that the most beautiful girl is the one who doesn't know that she's beautiful. but if you constantly publicize your looks then you definitely know you're 'hot' or whatever, right? does that mean you are not beautiful. but if you constantly publicize it does that mean you are seeking attention i.e. comments, likes, etc? and if that is the case does that mean you are insecure and too reliant on your looks? and so if i don't constantly publicize my looks does that mean that i'm a secure person or that i'm ugly so i don't post anything lest people think i'm ugly

trying to figure out my self-esteem level through relativity. because today i spent the whole day with my hair in a bun which i think shows off my face a lot but felt ok with it. this has to be good, i think people with low self-esteem perhaps are more inclined towards using their hair as a shield/distraction

cannot decide how i feel towards france in september. i think i will mature as a person to nth degree but how much pain/sadness will i have to incur because of that