sometimes i feel a compelling need to be alone, not to feel lonely, but to just be alone, by myself. i wonder why because when i actually am alone i don't do anything special, but i think it is that when you are alone that you become more in tune to what you want, rather than constantly feeling a swirl of impositions when you are around other people. that is not to say that i hate hanging out with people, obviously not, but i just feel i could use more time alone i suppose. i just think i have developed a growing aversion towards small talk, and talking to people i don't really know. i can count with one hand the people i would willingly have a conversation with. i think maybe people tend to disappoint me, which is nothing to do with the persons themselves but rather what i've come to expect from people at this stage of my life.

i think i have decided, possibly -- france will be good for me. i think about cooking food that i want or sitting on long train rides or walking everywhere alone. it makes me feel happy, kind of.