my hair is in a bad place

the other night something hit me and i felt breathless and an aching in my body but it was all emotional. i couldn't decide then that i would prefer emotional over physical pain. it's difficult to say. sometimes physical pain makes me very emotional, to the point of suicidal, i keep feeling like i'd rather die than bear with this pain any longer (which is exactly what i told the doctor 'please help me i feel like killing myself' no joke), but emotional pain also makes me feel like there's no point in carrying on anymore is there, everything looks so bleak like nothing is going to work out

at that point i also realized that i think i'm a very weak person, like if i had cancer or some sort of other semi-curable but painful illness that i'd ask to be euthanized, that i can't bear pain of any sort. that night i couldn't sleep because my mind was racing and the tears were falling and i desperately tried to watch a million youtube videos but it only helped like ~10% & i fell asleep exhausted.

what i've been feeling lately is that i have no control over anything, especially not my body which i realized can now do things despite my apparent 'free will' to do whatever i want. i've never really thought seriously about how your own body is capable of performing actions that hurt you and it kinda sucks that it can. then after that emotional night i also realized i have no control over that either. all i did was think about one little thing and the floodgates just opened like a bitch and there was no stopping anything no matter how many tissues i used to soak up the blood or mops to wipe the floor. the water was everywhere and i couldn't stop it

another thing gus & i talked about is how did cavemen deal with illness, e.g. sprained ankles, broken bones. i said, did cavemen get cancer which is something i will research now:

But despite the looming danger of a grizzly hunting bear, and the responsibility of catching and killing the family roast - in paleolithic times, cancer did not exist. Heart disease, diabetes, osteoporosis… – all of these degenerative illnesses which are wiping us out… they were unheard of. 

These people lived like humans should. They would run around all day, hunting and gathering food, which was all fresh, organic, NATURAL – the way perfect nutrition should be… 

The paleolithic diet consisted of meat, fish, eggs, vegetables, nuts, seeds and berries. Simple. And most effective.

via a website called 'foodfairynutrition'

well that's quite alright isn't it? no diseases at all, only the risk of hypothermia or beasts of nature ripping you to shreds... but if you were a woman you just sat at home and drew on the walls didn't you? and not even because of social pressure but it's just the way it was, wasn't it? the men went out to hunt but they sure didn't come home and say to their women 'i hunt because YOU CAN'T' but they were just chill about it and not at all lourding their superior hunting skills over their female counterparts like men do nowadays. in fact being a cavewoman sounds quite wonderful, aside from giving birth without medical aid but it seems they got on alright

should i go on a paleolithic diet then?