just finished reading 'a tale for the time being' by ruth ozeki, which i intend to do a write-up on soon, once i've collected my thoughts... but the number of times i've come across string theory in my reading surprises me sometimes. it makes it feel like it's more than just a mere coincidence, which is nice but scary at the same time. at least i am slightly cheered up by the thought that there is a me who didn't have to go through all the bullshit that was last year. that maybe there is a me who is truly happy

also i have been slightly pre-occupied with the idea of articulateness, and how inept i am at it, and how i should practice becoming more articulate. i felt it more strongly after reading this book, because i find ruth ozeki to be a very good writer, especially in the way she describes often emotions that hold no concrete shape or form, that everyone experiences but is lost in words. these descriptions are often lengthy but at the same time are concise, as if every word is necessary, such that even if it is a little long it is not pointless/wasted. but i will save that review for another time.

while i was writing the last paragraph i was thinking about a part of the book, where ruth writes something along the lines of, 'there's nothing lonelier than talking to cyberspace when nobody out there really gives a shit', or something like that. i can see where she comes from, obviously. everytime i log into this blog i glance at the comments or the hits and realize that honestly nobody reads this. i used to be disturbed by this but over time i think i've just come to prefer it this way. at one point i remember i told myself ot remember that i write this blog for myself and nobody else, even if i do keep it public (i suppose it does feel nice to know people could read it if they wanted). i've come to feel like this blog is just a place i can sort of let my feelings leak out and alleviate some of the pressure, which is a feeling i like. i'm glad i've reached a place where i don't really care about this blog being popular or anything. i like that it's just a thing that i have, but a thing that is mine. (this book hit me more than i realise)

an update: gus is leaving for two months next thursday. he's going back to dallas for an internship. i feel like i recognize that shocked is what i am going to feel but it hasn't caught up yet, it's still somewhere in the distance running on spindly legs, but sometime over the next few days it's going to slam against me like a tidal wave and i'll be thinking, what the fuck. but at the moment it feels unreal so i try not to worry about it. i can't stand the idea of being thrown back into an LDR so soon after france. i understand it's only two months but also, here's where i don't bother to explain my worries because 1. i'm writing for myself so i understand it and 2. i'm writing for myself so i don't care about being judged. (again this is where this blog being unpopular is an advantage) i try to tell myself to be mature and deal with it like an adult, which is not to be worried and to be happy for him (which i am, honestly) and support him and not make HIM worry about ME being worried. but i read somewhere that you cannot apologize for feeling, that feelings are things you cannot stop. you can only apologize for ways you act upon these feelings, but not for having them. still, my feelings should be a reflection of whatever self i possess and the values that i hold. like a mirror, if you will, your feelings should tell you strongly what kind of person you are, what level of maturity you are at, what intentions you have. for all these purposes i can safely say i am very immature and selfish. i can feel like grasping and internalizing these maturity processes are things i cannot do very well, that they are slippery when i hold them, beings that are scared of me and me, deliberately scaring them off, because embracing them means uncertainty and change, something i am afraid of. i am jealous of people who seem born with this "adult-ness" (a characteristic that many adults do not have, by the way), like it is innate and nothing to do with age. i don't know if i mean wisdom, particularly, because i don't think it is anything very closely related to intelligence or IQ points or cleverness. rather i think i'm pinpointing something closer to the soul, or the heart, and what i can vaguely imagine to be a peace with everything that guides action. is this where i talk about God?

i say that a lot nowadays. "is this where i talk about God?" because God comes so closely intertwined with so many issues that i think many people struggle with daily. but i don't like to talk about God because to be honest the idea of doing things right with God fills me with dread, one, because it seems like an insurmountable task, and two, because it requires change which requires uncertainty which i'm not particularly fond of. also today i was just sitting int he car waiting for Gus and a truck drove by, with "JESUS WILL CARRY ALL YOUR LOAD" emblazoned across its cargo tank. it was a nice reminder.

just google searched 'why do people like mary kate and ashley'

my mind right now is just like mulch, like a melted down version of what it should be, which is how i've been feeling for days. i have a billion and one thoughts melting together into just this gigantic, undecipherable blob of nothingness. it's like the corners and arms and points of all my individual, distinct thoughts are sticking out here and there but in general it's nothing. i can't locate and hold down any distinct thought and drill into it until i can let go and it's no longer there. i can only sort of touch it and then it escapes, but lingers around close enough to drive me crazy.

i realize many times i sound like a depressed, unhappy little bitch. i think this is only because people only usually write about what makes them sad. that's when you feel like you have to release emotions. when you're happy you don't want to open up any part of yourself, because you don't want your happiness leaking out of your pores and leaving you empty and sad. but when you're sad it's like you want to rip your body into a million pieces so all the sadness can flee to the skies in the shortest time possible. all that writing can do is create a little gash. hardly enough but it's all one can do sometimes. if you wish to view someone going through a terrible time, read www.iwantrevange.blogspot.com. my entire heart goes out to this man, despite his spelling mistakes. i'm not afraid to post it because it's already become famous i'm sure. usually very tabloid things like these make me turn my nose up but this was a real-time blog, something that was still happening. anyway when i read it i was reminded of how some people are just the most cruel, cruel beings you will ever meet. i was thinking how you could never imagine how some people have it in them to be so horribly mean and selfish. and then i thought, how you usually hardly ever recognize it in yourself but it is there, and how for most of us we just haven't come across the opportunity to unleash such evil, and that when we do, how most of us will. it's a sad thought, but it's a realistic thought, and reality is sad.