today i was thinking or at least asking myself, why do i constantly have to struggle between grasping or internalizing a lot of 'pretentious bullshit' that floats around and being that person who labels things 'pretentious bullshit'? or at the very least i wish i could decide for myself, some kind of foundation upon which i truly justify everything i like or not like...

in the prose below it says 'the difference is between what we love and what we say we love' and i can't stop thinking about how true that is and why does it matter so much

is it necessary for you to be the same person with every person you meet? can you not have multiple dimensions and have them all be you? sometimes i can't tell what i really love and it makes me feel like i'm immature and stupid

what does it mean that i enjoy poetry and string orchestras and writing emotional blog posts like these to feel better? sometimes i see that some people don't give a shit about this and get by fine. i like to imagine that the years i've spent somewhat investing in the tools for articulating my emotions, even the extremely vague, cloud-like ones, have given me some sort of release... Gus is something like what i'm trying to describe, never worries about things like his identity or about questioning the normative standards for human interaction... he just is. but sometimes i wonder if he lies awake at night feeling something uncomfortable in his chest that he just can't figure out. i think even if it did happen it doesn't happen to him that much. so much so that i envy him i guess.

sometimes i feel like i cannot take a lot of things that strike me about him for the truth -- he is very good at hiding things. even after 5 years i feel that it is difficult to navigate him, but for some reason he always manages to tell me what i'm feeling before i even open my mouth

i think sometimes in life you will get a false sense of growth and maturity but in actual fact the circumstances have just aligned so as to usher a 'smooth' period of living for you... in actual fact you simply have not faced another event that is the real judge of your growth. the consequence is that one day you will realize u haven't grown at all and that u are still as shitty as u were before, but that one day is the one day where u can start to climb higher... speaking from personal experience

wondering if i have to be embarrassed about shitty insecure opinions like this .. that's fucked up tho why do i have to be anything

also i just read that street line painters (painters who paint your road lanes and signs on the road) get paid 60k a year in the UK... insane

i get excited thinking about going back to europe sometimes