i think i am slowly getting tired of this space... which is not to say i am tired of writing. this space just doesn't compel me to write much anymore. in any case i feel much more active on tumblr if anyone cares

lying in bed at 1.47am thinking certain things like

i want to started sleeping and waking up earlier so that work will not be so difficult when it rolls inevitably around

i also want to stay up late and read and watch shows and do whatever i want

tomorrow i want to exercise but i probably won't. i also want to go and buy certain things like coconut oil. i am cooking dinner at night for 8 people so i have to think of a recipe.

i quit my other job. exam results are out in a month and i have to maintain my grades because of my job condition.

i also want to lie down in a corner of a library and read a really, really good book. if the book is not really, really good i will just feel bored and irritated

today i toyed with the thought of giving $10 to every uncle/aunty who wants to sell me tissue paper... except when i don't have change, which irritates me whenever i want to tip the uncle at SPC filling my car's gas..

today i told Gus when i see anybody over 60 i immediately feel like they deserve special attention and love and nothing bad should happen to them ever.. embarrassed to admit that i empathize with the captain of the south korean ferry. i mean i've had my share of feeling so helpless and shocked at what happened tbh it feels so unreal. it must be one of the most fucking heartbreaking things/stories/events i've sort of 'passively' felt in the past few years, i mean how could it not be? they were so young

but i guess it's just... if you were the captain in that split moment i'm sure it isn't easy to say 'i'm going to dive into the pits of this ferry and give up my life to save all these kids' even if it is the right thing to do... what about the other thoughts.. 'i have a wife and children and they depend on me' things like that you know. maritime law seems a little demanding on that front, i actually never knew they were expected to do that, go down with their ship if it comes to it

but ok if they're investigating other things like negligence then ok i just feel uneasy about the other part of him abandoning ship

i mean i feel... u can blame it on human weakness but not human intention.. murder was not anybody's intention, and things happen, and u just don't know i guess. when this kind of misery overcomes you i guess u need someone to blame and u can't blame God can u. seems like a semi-blasphemous statement i just made but i also felt a little frustrated when i typed it

was talking to shawn while we sneaked a stick in the arts carpark int he other day, i said, i'd rather die than wait to die, and he said, don't say that you definitely don't mean it, in any case, you don't live for urself you live for all ur family, ur friends, so on... he also said, you feel upset because you see death as an end to life but it isn't.. it's something that's just part of life... essentially you are as much alive right now as you are dead.

also the day before the news about the ferry broke i was with sandra and nut and we were talking about death as well, imagining if a tsunami came what would you do and what way would you rather go - quick or slow.. everybody tends to say quick and i think i used to say that, but nowadays i feel i want to go slow because i just want that chance to say what i have to say to the people i need to say it to, settle my shit before i go

i read that most of the bodies recovered had broken fingers from trying to claw their way out of the flooded ferry and it was one of the most upsetting things i ever read i think

graduation

so apparently i've graduated, i'm no longer a student and will never be in my entire life unless i make the conscious decision to go back and become one... but it feels weird now, education is something that i will 'return' to and not 'go forward' with any longer. to the extent that i internalize that education is a privilege, i'm honestly extremely sad to see this institution fade out of my life... even though majority of the time i did not enjoy studying, i can't deny that i've learnt so, so, so many things that aren't mere facts, theories or arguments... things that translate into real life values and shape the way i view life, which is why education is so important

find it hard to be optimistic about moving into my next phase in life. it's scary and uncertain and i can't be sure that it's one of my life's 'ups' as of yet which makes me hesitant in a thousand and one ways. i think for awhile i'll still be trying to hold onto the emotions of uni life, especially of my last semester... i'll miss everyone so much, i can't believe how enjoyable school became, i wish i had this for all four years. yet like i said if four years of loneliness was to lead me to this one sem of great fun then i guess it was all worth it. for a long time i haven't felt this way about anyone besides Gus, the feeling of i don't want to lose you please can't we stay a little longer.. i mean i really like these people