Results in 9 hours. Sigh I think I should tell myself that I'm going to do really badly. So hopefully when my results come out they will be above my expectations haha... dear god, the thought process of a potential university failure. I haven't been nervous about it because I've been busy moving, packing, etc. But right now it's hitting me... I want to bury my face already and I haven't even seen them yet. Don't know how I'm going to fall asleep tonight.

You're making me angrier by the minute. Or my period is coming.

Tonight there is a very big match on, Manchester United vs Barcelona for the champions league final and it is a huge deal to everybody who is an avid soccer fan, esp if you're fans of either Man U or Barca. So I am a Man U fan, or was... perhaps I am not worthy of the label "fan" because I don't watch matches religiously like I used to last time. At one point I really loved everything to do with soccer! But I'm sure it was infatuation and it died out, and now I only watch big matches. Or try to. Gus has been with me this whole day and we've been doing everything and anything, including pigging out at old airport road hawker center. Remember I said I needed quality time with him? Today was good for that :) But, after we fell into a comfortable and much desired snooze for about an hour, the alarm went off for us to leave the house to go watch the match happening in 45 minutes, and I couldn't... didn't want to leave my bed. Haha. Lazy as usual, but it also negates many logistical problems that would happen if I went. I think Gus would like me to stay home even though he won't say it to my face. Guys just like to be around guys and do guy things without having to be hindered by a girl. Most of the time.

Even then I'm trying to find a way to stream the match online because I just like to feel like part of all this excitement haha. In any case I hope Man U wins! And then I hope Rooney replies Gus on twitter because Gus would cry and I'd like to see that.

This morning I gave my dog a bath. She scrambled and scratched and attempted to wriggle out of my grip but I was determined to make her smell better. At one point, she was sopping wet and managed to slip out of my grasp, and she totally ran for it. I sprinted after her and caught her hind leg as she bounded up the stairs. Against my will I had to carry her, all wet, pressing against my chest, back down to the hose to be cleaned. Nobody gets out of these things dry. Next time I am just going to wear my bikini and then hop in the pool after I'm done with her. When she does that progressive body shake to shake water off it makes me smile.

Gus has been over everyday for the past four days. But I'm always so busy or he's always so tired and ends up taking super long naps that we hardly spend any solid quality time together, unless we go swimming for like an hour. Feel like I need to just chill with him, sit and talk. Thankfully all the unpacking is winding down and he just finished his last day of work. So we'll have more time to spend together doing things we wanna do. Miss him a lot.

At the moment though I'm so damn tired. I still have to go grocery shopping, then I'm gonna come home and crash. Other than that my dad and I have been playing chinese chess for no good reason other than we're really lousy against the AI. This morning I asked my mom where my dad was and she said he went to work, and I felt my heart constrict and my beating get a little faster. I guess it's because he's been the glue holding everyone together this whole time and it makes me nervous to know he's not around to handle something.

The once empty house now looks like a home. My room is a huge mess, massive boxes opened with things spilling out. Haven't got my shelves so it's hard to put most of the things away. Otherwise, since moving in yesterday I've already gone swimming twice, took a nice bath twice, slept like a pig once, walked Meelo thrice, unpacked my things with limited success twice. Since my sister is gone, whatever trash I don't want I dump in her room, hehe. Yesterday the movers all worked so hard, I felt so bad because I know they don't earn much. They had a problem moving one of the cupboards into my aunty's room, and they had to lean out halfway over the banister to maneuver it!!! I was so scared I really couldn't even watch, I was so afraid one of them would fall. But everything's moved in now! All that's left is to unpack the tons of boxes sitting around randomly, which is actually the really hard part.

I really like it. I'm having fun so far and I haven't even been doing much. Yay

BUT, I'm breaking out from all the stress and work of moving house. On my face. Ugh it happens so rarely for me that I get very depressed when it does. At one point of my life, I think up until J2 I had never, ever, ever gotten a zit on my face and I was so damn relieved that my skin is naturally like that. But then recently it's happened more often than I'd like SO ANGRY WITH MY SKIN. Although I really hate popping zits I think it's really disgusting to do that so I don't, which I guess is good because then I don't leave scars. And my zit cream is hidden somewhere in all these massive boxes!!! Ugh is it very disgusting that I'm talking about this? I don't care. At least Gus doesn't care either, hehe <3

leaving

Last night in my current house. Tomorrow we're moving to the old house and I was never really sentimental about it, but I'm starting to be now. I'd like to believe that a house isn't a home, and that the people who create memories in a house create that home. And since everybody is moving together I'm quite sure we'll be able to make our new house a great home. But even then, I have a lot of memories from this house that are quite precious to me I suppose. We got Meelo when we first moved here, we've had lots of fun parties, Gus & I have some pretty awesome memories here too. So honestly, I'm quite sad to be leaving... sad to have to let go of something that has been a huge part of my life. Everything from learning the roads to drive to school and back, from Gus's house and so on, all the way down to the roof outside my window that you could sit on and just chill. I'm excited to move but there's definitely some sadness here.

Otherwise, everybody please pray for my grandpa :( He's very old and the other day his gout acted up so his foot got swollen and he couldn't walk. Now he's in a wheelchair. He has to sleep on the sofa downstairs because he can't climb the stairs so we brought mattresses downstairs, blankets, pillows, etc. He also fell down today and scraped his arm, so it's all bandaged up to stop the bleeding now. It really breaks my heart to see him in such a condition but he's strong and he doesn't complain. The most I can do is sit down with him, play a game of Othello, try to keep his mind active. But yeah. Hopefully in the new house he'll be happier because he'll be able to go swimming. The new house is mostly for my grandparents to enjoy, that was my dad's rationale, so I really hope they do. So yes please pray that he'll continue to be in good health!!!

Anyway last Sunday there was a really great message in church by this guy, I don't even remember his name anymore, but it was really good and I think maybe I will try to talk about it soon. I'll try. It's gonna be a hectic few days but really praying that everything goes smoothly :)

Sooooooo I may have watched almost the entire season two of Undercover Boss in two days. It's such a great show!!! I don't even know how many times I ended up tearing at the end of the episode. But honestly, it's a really great reality TV show for a change. It's refreshing, it's something new, and it gives back. Kind of. It's really, really awesome and I think everybody should go watch it! My favourite episodes are MGM Grand, UC Riverside & Hooters. GO WATCH. I'm watching the City of Cincinnati one now. I think it's really awesome, the whole concept of sending the big people to mingle with the little ones, and really get in touch with the ground and get a feel of the trouble that always brews bottom up, see what's affecting their businesses. And I love that they did one for a city, because if anything Singapore is run quite analogous to a company. Unfortunately I think this can't really pan out for Singapore just because everybody who is in charge of running this place would be recognized in a heartbeat. But I think you could set them on specific jobs that would really give them a sense of Singaporean problems (off the top of my head I'm thinking taxi drivers, hawker center owners, primary school teachers, cleaners). Then again, ministers will always expect that people are unhappy. Sometimes I watch the show and I feel that the CEOs are genuinely surprised that there's discontent on the ground, as if they have assumed for the longest time that everybody is happy working for them. But even though a country can be run like a company, it isn't one. It isn't merely about making profit, it's about doing that and finding a way to redistribute it, to minimize income gaps, to balance wages, to cultivate culture and environment, to groom children with education. There is a huge social aspect to it that a company doesn't really focus on as much, and so ministers always know to expect discontent. I think because of that they become a little desensitized to the real severity of everyday problems, they think it's something people just gotta deal with but that's not true.

Okay I'm done feeling excited about the show. It's really great!!!!! Good reality TV is hard to find, and this is one of them. Happy :)

While packing I found my old gameboy, my trusty Fire Red Pokemon cartridge still in it, and so I've been playing for hours and hours and the most depressing thing just happened. I was unprepared to face Articuno and he's gone, and I don't have him, and I didn't save it at any point near to meeting Articuno and I'm unwilling to retrace all those steps!!! Ugh seriously depressed I feel so frustrated. I can't do anything now except do my best to catch Zapdos and Moltres and I WON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES. Yes I know I am 20 this year shut up I have defeated the elite four once and I will do it again

Otherwise it's about 4 more days to the move, and I just can't wait for everything to be over! There's too much random crap sitting around all over the house waiting to be shifted, and I'm so sick of blowing my nose so much because of all the dust that has arisen from unearthing lots of shit from long, long time ago. Packing was such a hassle, I promise to do regular cleans from now on so as to never have to go through this again.

Last night I didn't sleep... stayed up until 5am, went downstairs, Gus came over at 5.10am and off we went to the airport to send my sister off to Cambodia for 10 days. She's going for the usual OCIP trip. I've been thinking about it, also thinking about what some people have said about it -- OCIP is useless for the children in third world countries. You build a library, you teach them English, bla bla... for two weeks? That is to be honest not going to benefit them in the least. The point of OCIP is more to benefit you than to benefit them. It's to expose spoilt little Singaporean teenagers to the devastating plight of their neighbors, to instill in them compassion for the less fortunate. It is definitely not to enhance their lives for good. That is a huge, huge irony I think and I can't decide if that's good or bad. I suppose it's good, at least someone benefits. But I keep thinking perhaps we should start doing things for the kids in more tangible ways, rather than a two week crash course in English by 14 year olds. You can bring food over, clothes over, toys, etc. You can bring some legit books that will help them. I don't understand why there always has to be a skit...? Or something??? Why can't it just be some Singaporean teenagers sitting around, talking to the kids and hanging out? And you'll still be impacted even if you didn't do all this pretentious shit, teach English or paint their library walls. (my eyes are literally rolling right now) Isn't it odd?! It's a "mission" trip, a trip to do charity work, but in essence it is one that is extremely selfish and self-serving. Doesn't mean it's bad, you're being selfish in a good way, to educate and inform yourself. But it makes it worse because we already are informed. We see images on TV, on the Internet, look at pictures and videos of starving children, etc etc. And we assume that what they *really* need are colourful walls. COME ON. Seriously? In any case I also don't think that two weeks is sufficient to ingrain in young people the need to be more considerate, more compassionate, more thoughtful of others who have less. Not at all. The first few days they came back they feel drenched in epiphanies of life and others, give it a week or so and they'll be back at the malls, hooked onto f21.com or some shit. And it's just the sad reality that we all have to accept.

If you want to do charity work you must commit to be there for 6 months, a year, two years. One day I want to do that, live somewhere else for a few months each time and help with food distribution, or teach people music for fun, help out in hospitals or help build homes. And there are organizations that do that, so I give props to them. Major, major props (Y)

ways in which nature hates me

Here is evidence of how many times I've been caught with no access to menstrual pills, bent double clutching my tummy. I'm one of those girls who has insanely painful menstrual cramps. And so I'm usually hit with it in a situation where I don't have any pills on me. It's been so many times that this happened:

In the afternoon I went to IKEA with my parents... feel like some people would look down on IKEA because practically every person in Singapore has furniture by them. But I really like them. I think it's great that they do things so cheap, have a great variety. I mean they do very generally aesthetically appealing pieces that really look great! And they're so cheap!!! Sigh thinking about people who might despise shopping from IKEA makes me think they must be damn atas. They're missing out. In any case, we buy most of our furniture from IKEA and have a few statement pieces from other, random furniture shops. Those are mostly big pieces for the living room, a sofa set, dining table, etc. Most of the bedrooms are COMPLETELY IKEA and I don't mind at all!

Anyway we walked here and there, opened doors and slid drawers out, lay on beds with our shoes on, sat at tables and tested chairs. Everything, we bought most of our furniture today, to be delivered next Tuesday. Then we move on Wednesday! I'm excited. I like moving house. Can't say for sure I'll miss this home... maybe. But I think the new house will be a lot better for everyone! My room's an utter mess now, I'm in the midst of packing... it's not going very well. I kind of randomly take things out then put them in a random pile, now the room has about 5 piles of random crap and I don't know what to do haha helpppp

At 4pm Gus picked me up and we headed to MJC to watch the SA-VJ boys soccer semi-final. Met Narmadha and Weena there, hung with them and it was fun. I miss them... the team I used to play with is not as close as I wish we were, a large part of it probably being my fault I admit. But it's always great to see them and everybody always still has a good time. It's nice to see all the familiar faces and revel in old dynamics. Girls finals is on Wednesday but I'll be moving, not sure if I can make it down. Gus says that SAJC is one of his greatest loves, haha, because he had such an amazing JC life. But for me I think, if I remove the soccer, it was probably one of the worst times of school for me. Probably one of the loneliest. I had some fun times, had some awesome friends... but I'll never really treasure SA. I don't really have school pride. It doesn't feel part of me, not like St Margs. I know generally people feel more for their secondary schools than their JCs, but most people also feel a kind of loyalty to their JCs. But I really don't... if I saw a girl in a St Margs uniform misbehaving (as I have a few times) I feel extremely disturbed, ashamed. But if I saw someone in an SA uniform misbehaving I feel like I would look at them how an outsider would. Be disapproving, probably bitch about them a little haha. That's how it is. It's weird. But JC... not my best years. Looks like uni's going down the same path, hoho

PHOTO TIME!!! of the cutest dog everrrrrrrr yes she is so cute whaddakewtypie awwwww. The other day we randomly brought her up to my room because sometimes she likes to do that. My dad scolds her for becoming braver everyday, she'll run up the stairs sometimes and sneak into the rooms

SO CUTE like a small boy ^^ that makes me a pedo. 

Observe the following progression of pictures. It's this thing Gus likes to do, when Meelo is just lying down on the floor he will sneak up behind her and try to trap her beneath him it's really funny but I'm quite sure Meelo isn't a fan of it haha. 

SUCCESS!!! (the above picture) happiness derived from success evident. She usually claws her way out quite quickly, this time she was more calm. Don't worry he's not putting his weight on her, she'd die I think hehe, he's leaning on his elbows and his knees. Anyway I thought of an inappropriate joke pertaining to these pictures but Gus might kill me 

If my parents ever saw that she came onto the bed they would be sooo mad omg. But so sweet right! :) 

Packing in process... not all the clothes are mine, and they've accumulated from years of hoarding. I found PJs from when I was 8, I don't know what purpose they serve hiding in my wardrobe

Things yet to be packed. Sigh.

Making packing more fun. But not really.

Listening to 'Maybe I'm Amazed' by Wings. I never knew the song until Crystal Bowersox covered it on last season of AI, then James Durbin this season. Gus asked me why wouldn't I know it. I said, the Beatles are my favourite band, but if I also listened to all their individual things from their careers post-Beatles, that would overwhelm me too much. There is too much, simply, and it complicates what the music of the Beatles holds for me. I never like to think that they simply split up and went off doing their own thing... I think of them as an entity, that is how I love them best. Even then, this song is brilliant... from the lyrics, to the piano, to the drums, the melody. Paul McCartney does these fantastic things with the piano, I get jealous, these little riffs in the middle of songs that bring a whole new element to them. If you listened to the original you'd hear it, the piano, how much it matters. I really like the James Durbin version as well just because he's such a good singer, but the arrangement was so garishly pop I feel like it has lost something.

Favourite Beatles songs (in order):
1. Hey Jude
2. Come Together
3. Here Comes The Sun
4. Nowhere Man
5. Girl
6. Norwegian Wood
7. Because
8. Something
9. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
10. Let It Be

It was incredibly hard to put together that list, in fact I think it might alter itself every once in awhile. There are tons of songs jostling for a spot on that list but I had to be brutal, and it hurt me to be so, even if they are just songs. That sounds stupid. But the top 3 are quite permanent.

I remember the first time I was exposed to the Beatles. Not even them, really... sitting in the lobby of a hotel in, I think it was Hokkaido, Japan, listening to a violinist play 'Let It Be', no singing or anything, just the violin. I only remember thinking that the melody was so beautiful I wanted to cry, like something was welling up inside, the same feeling I get when I see starving African children on TV. That's what I felt.

Finished reading Norwegian Wood in one day. I guess it was overhyped for me. To be completely honest I do not feel anything after reading it. I'm not bowled over, the story wasn't super fantastic for me. I didn't like Midori. I suppose I was sad because when Naoko killed herself, the fact that she never loved Toru was very depressing, but in a sense I guess that's all there was left for her to do, join Kizuki. But then again, I thought her character was such an enigma, I don't know. I felt like there was not enough about her that Toru could really love, love enough to go through all that trouble. Not sure I'm going to bother to watch the movie.

Not as good as I wanted it to be, sadly. I read somewhere that Murakami became extremely famous after Norwegian Wood, to his dismay. It's odd, isn't it! He didn't want to be famous because of his writing. Almost as if he didn't write to be read, which reminds me of how Roquentin in Nausea wrote, simply because he wanted to write, and not because he wanted to be read. Maybe Murakami will be comforted by the thought that I'm not contributing to burgeon his repulsive fame. I feel like he would.

I forgot to blog about my meetings with various people over the past week. It was a week peppered with more meet-ups than usual, for which I am glad. Despite reveling in solitude most of the time, there is some respite in having a laugh with old chums. Like Sartre says, "a man rarely feels like laughing alone." I am taking the quote out of context but it seemed appropriate.

I met up with Desiree and Shalene at Spize, 930pm onwards on a Friday night. I think we haven't met in months and months, but they are so carefree and laidback nothing needs to feel forced. I never feel like we lack any conversation or laughter. Half the time we reminisce about JC which is fun, we had quite a few laughs back then. The other half of the time we just talk about random things that come up, throw insults back and forth. Halfway through the night we opened my bottle of Belvedere and mixed some of it in with some really shitty, pulpy orange juice and gulped the stuff down. I hate the taste of alcohol but it undoubtedly loosens people up. Not that we needed any loosening up but it definitely churned out more laughs. Giggling, perhaps, sitting in chairs and laughing about stupid things, getting red in the face, sharing anecdotes. Feeling buzzed, we sat beside each other trying to describe how the alcohol was getting to us. Fuzzy. I say fuzzy. Of course I suppose a very accurate word would actually be "seh." Haha. That Belvedere was 50% and I hadn't realized it at the time I bought it. After they left I lay in bed and sent Gus a slew of messages that, upon reading them again in the morning, felt like a right fool. But Gus understood. And I stopped replying him because I fell asleep.

Then before that I met up with Tammy who just came back from her Aussie adventure. She told me all about her trip and I told her all about what's been happening recently (basically I told her nothing much), but we talked for a long time about other things, about society and about the role of the individual in relation to society. Whether we move in tandem or we choose to resist it... Tammy shares a lot of the same sentiments as me and so I like to talk to her just to reaffirm that my thoughts are not completely delusional. Sometimes we talk about things so seemingly dull, so mundane but we voice thoughts that are similar and I burst out laughing, because all of a sudden I think, this is so obvious, now two people have spotted it. Where is everyone else on this???

And lastly, last night I drove all the way to a condo in choa chu kang for Heitung's 20th birthday :) I spent most of the night cuddling the cutest puppy ever. He belongs to Yushan, and he's a really cute mixed breed who can be contained by leaving him on a table because he's too scared to leap off. One day I think he will learn, and that day will come all sorts of trouble. Other than that, again, we sat around talking about random things, eating satay and other barbeque delights. Talked about traveling, about twitter, about uni. For a long time Marley (the dog) lay down on my lap and took a nap, so cute I wanted to run off with him for good. Lots of laughs as usual, you usually get that in a big group. This is one group of my remaining friends from St. Margs that I still somewhat regularly meet up with. It's always a fun time, it makes me miss the simpler days from back then. Happy birthday Heitung! :)

So evidently this week I have met more than my usual share of the world outside my shell. I am happy because it came in a big dose, and I feel filled, if that makes sense. Sometimes you need interactions with the outside, once in awhile. You can choose to live like a hermit but you mustn't be completely isolated. Solitude is not isolation. I think it's important to draw that distinction. Thus, this was my once in awhile, and I am thankful for it.

Tomorrow I'm going down to Alliance Francaisé in the morning before I meet Gus in the afternoon. Just sayin'. Tomorrow I will also update on whether I woke up and had sufficient effort to carry this out.

Jeux D'enfants *SPOILER ALERT*

This film is directed by Yann Samuell, starring Guillaume Canet and Marion Cotillard. French love films kind of always have that surreal yet poignant quality about them. It's like they all have a little bit of Amélie in them. This film... sigh. I don't know. I wanted to love it very badly but, in the end I'm not so sure. 

books in line to be read this holiday

so far:

juliet, naked by nick hornby (finished)
nausea by sartre (finishing finished)
norwegian wood by murakami
lotr1 by tolkien
the brief wondrous life of oscar wao by junot diaz
good omens by neil gaiman
skippy dies by paul murray
do androids dream of electric sheep by philip dick

Some i've been meaning to read for a long time, others I simply found recommended a lot and want to try.

Movies:

Chungking Express
Jeux D'enfants
Je Vais Bien, Ne T'en Fais Pas

Also going to sign up for an Alliance Francaise membership and get more DVDs from there, plus watch free films every Tuesday. Yay!

Do you know how easy it is to get dragged into things that do not matter?! Clothes and drinks and food and furniture and size of beds and size of rooms and club memberships and country club memberships and make up and ENOUGH. Everywhere I turn in this godforsaken society I see people boasting of something or another that they have, a new bag, those long legs, this bottle of expensive champagne and this brand new car. Ugh and I am also guilty. I feel disgusted with myself like it is justified to strip me of all my belongings and tell me "learn to live" 

When you have things so good you can't help but want more. And this society is limitless. Its provisions are never ending as long as our massive foreign reserves are there to bail the economy out, this prosperous, voracious economy! Growing and growing and growing, and is that all that matters? Why do we make the rich even richer? Surely we should put some kind of limit, some kind of cap as to how rich a person can be. Is that not for his benefit? 

Everytime Apple sells an iPhone it makes over $300 worth of profit. $300?! Surely that is too much! We cannot be so obsessed with these material things, these temporal things because what will become of them when we cross that line, enter into death? All these things will remain on the other side of that wall and in death we go as we came, with nothing. Absolutely nothing. The study of economics is to study what is driving the greed and thirst of everybody. Money and money and money. What drives a whole lot of evil.

I am such a hypocrite. I shop too much and I indulge too frivolously. Yet I look at others and think, no. I want that. Why can't I have that. Why don't I deserve that. I deserve that more than they do. But who says so? I do not. I do not want to covet anything, anymore, forever, for eternity. I know that is impossible, but it is exhausting to keep wrenching myself out from that state of mind, from that fixation on needing more. I write all this, in a few days I might just do something that I am criticizing in this post -- but I'm human and I have weaknesses. I will have those hypocritical moments but what I am feeling now, this vague shape that is trying to fill my body up to my fingertips, this rejection, this repulsion of all the things society tells me will make me happy: I want to remember this feeling. 

In Nausea, Sartre talks about the irony of existence, how he exists because he thinks, how he would stop existing if he stopped thinking, yet he mustn't think that he should not think, because that is a thought, how thought processes are eternal. He says clearly, "I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire". We are such living ironies, so ironic it is sad. We throw ourselves into the very things we wish to run from. Perhaps humanity, simply, is ironic and we cannot escape. That human will and that thing you feel when you first open your eyes in the morning, its very unchangeable nature is to be at conflict with everything society says. Ironic since we are the ones who create society. 

I have not found a solution.

Great people talk about ideas
Good people talk about things
Small people talk about other people 

Remember that.

Plans for today/this week

Going to the reading place at siglap and pick out some really proper things to read. last night at borders i could not find what i was looking for and bought a Jasper Fforde novel on sight. I quite regret it because in this three month holiday i feel like i do not want to read something as "flighty", if you will, as Jasper Fforde. He is a brilliant writer whether for young or for old but his books are more entertaining than impacting, and I suppose I want to be impacted a bit. Not very sure what I want yet, I will figure it out there. Their selection is no doubt, not as extensive as that of Kino or Borders but to travel all the way to town to pay extravagant prices seems foolish.

Wondering if that shop in Serene Centre has the films I am looking for. If not I will stream them online. I have the afternoon to myself (okay, it's already 3pm though), Gus is only coming for dinner at night.

I also have to get started packing my room for the shift. Quite dreading it... if there's anything that I hate it's having to throw things out. I'm not a hoarder, not really. But sometimes I do keep things in the train of thought that "ah you never know when you might need this!" and end up with really tacky pieces of clothing that still fit or no longer useful articles of stationery. I feel like if I am resolute and ignore these impulses I will have a significantly smaller wardrobe and a much cleaner table. The only things I do not throw are books. I have most of the books I've read since I was a small girl, including all my Enid Blytons (esp The Faraway Tree) and "young adult" fiction. I have a book by Isaac Asimov I'm not sure why I read when I was about 12, but it turned out to be alright. Anyway, the point is. I'm going to have to be real brutal.

Anybody have tips or something

does this make you hungry

What holidays mean: endless lolling about doing nothing. Pure joy. I have already been quite open about the fact that friends at my disposal for hanging out are very little, so most of my pictures are with Gus. Perhaps without him I would be quite lonely and desperate for friends, so I must be thankful that I have him. Then again, I think if I was not with Gus I probably would have more friends. But I don't see myself fancying that arrangement significantly more than what I have at the moment. Friends are important, yes, fine. But friends also come and go. Along that strand I have chosen to keep close to me the one friend I know is not likely to leave me when the going gets tough, or when the winds of change threaten to pull us apart. The same way that normal friends eventually lose grip of each other I have higher hopes that my friendship (not relationship) with Gus can weather through it.

I would rather spend time growing this friendship with Gus and sow some investment, have some kind of insurance that somebody is there for me, as opposed to spending time with others who are likely to leave me once things become inconvenient, become disadvantageous/non-beneficial. It is cynical to think most people are like that (and I do have friends that are not like this at all -- you know who you are, hopefully) but I think it is realistic, and the sooner people realize that the longer they can spend time with ones that truly matter.

My French lecturer once explained to us the difference between "des amis", "mon ami" and "des copains". Basically, "ami" and "copain" all refer to some kind of companionship. But there is a clear distinction, and he said it in this way:

"People you do not tell your secrets to but you hang out with, they are your 'copains'. People you do tell your secrets to are your 'amis' and you do not have many of them. Maybe two or three. Your best friends. And if you say 'mon ami', that means that person is yours ('mon' means mine) and that nobody else can have him/her." 

That is quite a succinct way to put things. I think about how many copains I have and there are a number who I meet here and there. Then I think about how many amis I have and I can pinpoint specifically three, people I have called in the middle of the night to cry to (like I literally have so you should know who you are). And I think about the fact that I am allowed to say 'mon ami' in its correct usage and I am glad. Our relationship will be two years old next month. I think about how long my parents have been married, and my grandparents, and I know two years is almost nothing. But it seems a milestone to me and I think... I think I'm proud of us.

Elections are over which means I suppose my blog will stop being boring. But again I must remind myself that I write everything here for myself, and as soporific as those posts were there were thoughts contained in them that are important for me to remember. More than that I do not want to fall into the allure of being someone who boasts knowing much about a certain topic to seem intelligent, informed, etc etc. There is much about politics that I do not know, therefore I study it to try and know more. It is important to emphasize the subjectivity of an opinion so as not to seem imposing. If there is anything that irritates me it is someone who tries to impose their opinion on me.

I spent today rolling around in bed with Gus. That sounds like we've been having sex all day, but no, we have not. What I actually mean is most of our activities were done in a comfortable, supine position. Him marking his students' scripts, watching Glee and Modern Family on the computer, playing Tilt To Live with considerable passion. As piggish as it sounds I will not deny that I derive a substantial amount of pleasure from always feeling something soft beneath me. Of course there is nothing unpleasant about having your better half beside you. I've said this many times but I think it's worth repeating -- these things are such simplistic, mundane and repetitive activities that Gus and I go through all the damn time. But there is nothing wrong with it. I end up feeling happy, fulfilled and content. Quality time is what it is. Just Gus and me. And time. That's simply the dynamic of our relationship I suppose, the familiarity of it allows us to make do with the bare minimum.

The book I'm reading is Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby. Honestly I am reading it out of desperation than want -- I have run out of books to read at the moment. Not looking forward to paying for books at the cashier of either Kino or Borders. Have ordered more books from bookdepository but those will take another two weeks. Juliet, Naked is a pale shadow of Hornby's considerably better works. I will finish it out of respect for Hornby.

I am going to make a list. After I decide what the list will be about. My ideas at the moment are vague and fuzzy.

So after a hectic day of church, lunch, shopping, new house stuff, mother's day!!!, etc etc, I started thinking about the Dean's List. It's something that I forgot I told myself at the beginning of freshman year to work towards to. Evidently I did not because along the way I was convinced I did not need these grades, I did not need to do well. That was my first mistake. NUS students, remember this: your first semester CAP is the most important thing. Mess it up and you'll spend the next 2-3 years trying to pull it up. So I went to look again at what makes a student eligible to be mentioned on the prestigious Dean's List and it was this:

Dean's List

The Dean's List is an award given to the top 5% of each cohort, with meritorious academic achievement, at the end of each semester (excluding the special term).

There is therefore no specific cut-off as only the top 5%, of eligible students, will be selected based on the Semester Average Point (SAP).  Students must have a CAP that is above the current pass with merit cut-off.  Those in their fourth year of study must have a CAP of at least 4.00.

The current Dean's List had about 277 students on it across all cohorts, which means FASS holds about 5000+ students (thanks Bert for the calculations haha). Which is fcking a lot. And to be the top 277 students... well that, to me, seems quite impossible. And yet I feel like I really want to attain this, really want to have something to emerge from uni and be proud of, something more than your average university student life. Is it very Singaporean of me? Craving after these academic achievements, seeking fulfillment in them. Perhaps. But it is very appealing! & I know that even if I don't end up on the Dean's List in any of my semesters after 4 years of study, in aspiring to be on it I will probably pull my grades up by quite a bit. And so that is my new aspiration for next semester. To get onto the Dean's List.

Happy that WP won Aljunied. Good to have opposition party in parliament just to maintain some sort of (increasingly) fair balance of power. I think people shouldn't harbour any high hopes that amazing things are going to happen. No. The PAP is still in power, still holding onto the majority vote, and just because there are now six voices to cause greater debate does not necessarily affect what the ultimate outcome of any passing bill or amendment will be. However, people can be happy that the PAP is (hopefully) going to bring itself down a little bit, look and analyze the cracks it has caused, attempt to rectify that or risk having a couple more GRCs go the way of Aljunied.

But I am sad. Because tonight we have lost Chiam See Tong, Singapore's longest serving MP. A powerful symbol of the fight for true democracy, I think we must salute and respect all his efforts in fighting for the Singapore that he loves. I read this tweet -- "If only Singapore loved you half as much as you loved her" -- and I think it is quite true. People don't really understand the magnitude of his legacy, not appreciated as much as it should be. On the other hand, he really needs a break. He is getting old, getting weak. Even if he spends the rest of his time in quiet retirement he will still be the most passionate opposition warrior, fighting even into old age, into sickness and, I think if he can help it, into death. True respect for Mr Chiam. It is a shame that Singapore has lost you as an MP.

We also lost George Yeo, one of Singapore's better ministers. As foreign affairs minister I think he has, in his time, run quite a smooth-sailing period of international relations. He is a good minister, and a good man, I think. There were other high profile ministers more deserving of getting the boot. George Yeo I think was definitely not one of them, and I will miss him a lot. Many people are asking him to campaign for president!!! & if he is eligible I think he should run. He reminds me a lot of Ong Teng Chiong who wasn't a total puppet like Nathan is. George Yeo for prez guys!!!

I am not at all sad that we didn't gain Nicole Seah. In my opinion she's an overly aggressive, impulsive, untrained and inexperienced politician. She needs to learn to rope it in a little bit, met it out in a more digestible way. Everybody's entitled to their own opinion anyway. Nicole Seah lovers, let's agree to disagree eh? Of course I am not happy that TPL is in parliament. But I would rather have had GCT and 3 other fairly credible MPs in parliament than Nicole Seah and 4 questionable ones. It stands to reason right? Honestly how can you let 4 random people riding on the coattails of Nicole Seah into parliament? TPL is also a free-rider but 1 > 4 of them.

Omg. Eyes so painful... time to sleep. It was a great night all in all, Singaporeans. Every single person who voted, you should be proud of having had a say in the future. Let's hope this continues on.

we must be thankful

Not much point still talking about elections now. Polling day is tomorrow, I think most people have already decided. So I decided to talk about not what is occurring at the moment, elections, but the impact that the elections will have on Singaporeans in the future.

I think the most important thing that will come out from this, whether or not we get a few more opposition members in parliament, is that Singaporeans will start to question what it is to be Singaporean. For those who have been fighting for non-PAP parties to get some seats, they have ignited a fire to want to have a say in the development of this country. For those who have been PAP supporters all the way, the protests from the opposing camp will make them think about what is really best for this country.

And in a way, I think, there will be a greater understanding and growth of the currently non-existent "Singaporean identity". The way I like to see it is that it has always been there, a dormant creature just resting, and the elections have awakened it somewhat. People like to know that they have a say in their country, it gives them a sense of entitlement and belonging and that's what democracy is ultimately supposed to do. Whether or not ideal democracy has been practiced is regardless. Whether you are voting PAP or not, you feel as if you are making a stand for what you think is good for the country. People will start to feel more attached, more inclined to fight.

Of course, if you take a look in any truly democratic country you will find that not everybody agrees on who should be ruling, what policies should be implemented, what guidelines they should go by. Republicans will remain at odds with the Liberals. The left and the right will never meet fully. But if there's one thing I suppose you can gather from democratic countries is a patriotism quite undeniable. Another place you will find extreme patriotism is in authoritarian countries where conditions are poor. Revolutions spring up because people have had enough of being forced to do things they do not want to do and getting nothing out of it. They revolt because they want to fight for their right to their land, to their home, to their country.

Singapore, unfortunately, hangs somewhere in the balance -- a benign dictatorship. Neither a full democracy nor a brutal totalitarian state, the patriotism and the sense of belonging goes missing somewhere. People think, "I don't have a say because the PAP will just ignore me anyway. But I don't need to have a say either, my life is quite alright." And so the attachment disappears. Nobody feels loyal nor indebted to Singapore, at least not to the degree that is favorable for everyone. The combining effect of a top-down approach and the basic luxuries of a prosperous economy has numbed the general population, especially the younger generation, into a sense of autonomy from the land. Like Singapore is a hotel.

So thankfully, I think the elections will awake a sleeping giant. People are starting to feel that things are at stake -- whether it be the horror of living under PAP rule for the next 5 years or the threat of allowing inexperienced opposition members into parliament. And I think this threat will create a "rally around the flag" effect. People will come together, camping on both sides, but overall come together as concerned Singaporeans to discuss the future. As a Singaporean I've always hoped one day to see Singapore turn into a country vibrant and alive with people who love and stand by their country, not always desperate to get out. I suppose the PAP will one day have to concede to this -- even MM Lee has prophesied that such a day will come when the electorate will not remain as docile as before.

The election process itself cannot be called truly democratic. That is clear for most rational people to see. But the bigger picture here is that the fight for democracy (be it challenging it or defending it) is going to develop a population of Singaporeans who are starting to feel, starting to cherish who they are as Singaporeans, Singapore's future and what she really means to them.

In spite of whatever results emerge tomorrow night, I think that will be a big step for us. A crucial one. And for that, I am grateful.

Deciding if I'm more irritable these days or more annoying people are sprouting up...

Exams are over!!! Am so relieved. It's 3.56am and I'm wide awake with no guilty feelings. It feels awesome. Have been reading HP6 because I want to, watched Modern Family and Glee... I'm super free it feels great. I have no plans for tomorrow but I also know that there's nothing stopping me from making plans. THREE MONTH HOLIDAYYYY I've been waiting for you

I can't even begin to describe how heavy on my mind a certain issue weighs. But it is so difficult to articulate it well without becoming extra lengthy and slightly soporific. It frustrates me to no end. I keep talking to Gus about it because it's intriguing yet it makes me want to pull my hair out and shout into the air. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to convey what I'm trying to say well enough to be put up here. At the moment things are just too messy.

First rally even though I have a paper at 5pm tomorrow. Already running late, crawling along the roads looking for parking, walking all the way to the rally site, shoes getting soaked. Gus got interviewed by Reuters!!! "It won't be shown on TV here don't worry" the woman said. I think they were quite unfortunate, lugging around a huge video camera with tripod and all, footsteps getting slower as the mud sucked everyone's shoes in. All in all I don't remember much of what they (WP) said because the echo and the distance from the stage (masses of bodies in between) made their speech hard to decipher. Also because at one point LTK spoke in Chinese and I interpreted about 2% of it. But! The experience was quite an interesting one, seeing the kind of people that showed up regardless of the weather conditions. A funny man made an electronic banner! It flashed "VOTE WP" and then a hammer. Really cool!

I mean... despite whatever division the elections are causing right now, it's always nice to see some solidarity among such a big number of Singaporeans. You hardly see that! I was very excited with all the commotion. Police everywhere, massive jams, etc. You can feel the buzz in the air and that's something you don't get very often. Gus got bitten by lots of ants and our shoes got super soaked with mud but it was all alright! It was a good night.

Am pleased with nails.

EXAMS END TOMORROW EVERYONE!!! JIO ME JIO ME JIO ME

Entertaining the thought of going out to do surveys to come to a conclusion exactly what kind of electorate Singapore has.

1) Childish, immature, "act cool"
2) Naive and gullible
3) Practical and pragmatic
4) Passionate but reasonable

From the way things are going I think the results will fall into 1 and 2, honestly. I will base this upon several questions:

- legitimacy and validity of reasons for supporting non-PAP parties
- legitimacy and validity of reasons for supporting PAP parties
- vertical variance in support between age groups
- horizontal variance in support between income groups
- variance in support between education level
- level of exposure to differing opinions/different media

By calculating the amount of variance between the various demographics I think you will be able to tell how being in different social strata can strongly influence the way you think. I cannot be sure at the moment, there are surprisingly quite a few people who have challenged my preconceived notions of what certain demographics are likely to be thinking. Although, from the looks of it I will say I think that my previous notion of Singaporeans getting "caught up in the hype", voting for non-PAP parties merely because everybody else is doing so and being anti-PAP is what's hip right now, without seriously considering why, will be true.

Anybody know a good way of carrying out this experiment? It will need some work but after tomorrow I will be so free, I don't mind. I will need a lot of people to survey, that's for sure. Getting people from our age group is fairly easy, but those from older age groups is tough. Anybody wanna help me... hehe

Gonna take the words of J. Lo's song to help me choose which countries I should aspire to visit in the near future:

BRAZIL, MOROCCO
LONDON TO IBIZA!
STRAIGHT TO L.A., NEW YORK
VEGAS TO AFRICA YEAH

Not bad eh

European exam was not bad I think. Hopefully I won't do too badly! TWO MORE DAYS!!! Ugh 7pm on Thursday cannot come fast enough... I was so excited after my paper today I went to get my nails done. Trust me, I am hanging my head in shame. But I couldn't help it and I am so pleased with my nails, I feel less stressed and ready to tackle a full day of studying tomorrow! THERAPY

Locking myself in library tomorrow to do work on public policy. Ugh my most dreaded module ends the latest, so typical of life to throw these damn sian things at you. I did get back my essay and do relatively well (by my standards) though so I take some comfort in that to push me along this agonizingly long path.

Just two more days. I should stop whining. Thursday, 7pm I will breathe a huge sigh of relief, drive straight home and take a 20 hour nap.

GUYS THESE R SO FUNNY 

I love all the Chiam See Tong ones!!!

&&& something that I wanted to say already. You know Lee Kuan Yew is pissing everybody off nowadays and shit like that, and people are so angry with him because he is anti-democracy, anti-opposition, bla bla bla. All I wanted to say was, I still respect him. For real. Even in the midst of all this threat, he is calm and steady, and FUCKING FEARLESS. He says whatever the hell he wants to say, and he honestly doesn't give a shit what people think. Who else can be so aggressively blunt, saying that Aljunied will "live and repent" for the next 5 years if they vote WP, but our beloved MM? Yet he says it and DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE THINKS. In fact I'm quite sure he said "I stand corrected" to take some pressure off his son. He knew what he was talking about! & he sticks to his guns man.

He's crazy. And awesome. As a person I mean. Chill ok?

Also, I miss London and Paris so much.

Casual walk at the Louvre

BEST. GELATO. EVER. 

after checking out Tate in London

ABBEY ROAD!!! 

I wrote that. I think he will appreciate it. 

Random scribbling that has nothing to do with The Beatles, but awesome nonetheless. Dumbledore's Army! Haha

Tired after shopping along Oxford Street

Was so proud of the chanel when we bought it :') I was so scared I would dirty it or something

Loveliest bookstore located near the Notre Dame Cathedral! Quite famous actually, but I'd never heard of it until we stumbled upon it in Paris. STUMBLED, yes, what a find

Le chateau de Versailles, of Marie Antoinette fame. We actually didn't go see her chambers because Versailles is monstrously huge, it was all the way on the other side and we were rushing for time. Besides being monstrously huge, it was also amazing and beautiful! It was massive but what a lovely expanse of land. The garden is perfect. 

Sigh I miss it all so much :( I really love London and Paris. Add Tokyo to the list and they are my top three favourite cities. Above New York even... although we never really got to explore NYC a lot. I don't remember much about it anyway. I definitely remember more about Europe. 

Spent the day studying for European exam which is at 1pm tomorrow. I hate that they fit 3 essays into a 2 hour slot. It's harder to divide your time and feel at ease with it. Praying that questions come out easier than I expect. More straightforward, hopefully. I have emerged from the depths of mugging more informed and more knowledgeable but not necessarily enough to do well, I don't know.

I regret this semester of slacking away because I assumed I'd definitely go to Bristol. I'm going to spend the rest of my uni life pulling up my CAP if I stay.

3 more days until freedom! I can smell it. I can smell the days of waking up whenever I want, reading whatever I want, watching whatever I want without that disgusting, clingy feeling of guilt. Cannot wait for Australia which is in June, seems so far away... but so excited. Three whole months! I'm so jealous of those people who are done. This feeling of so close yet so far... ugh. Next sem I am going to choose modules that let me end the earliest!!! Also I think I've maxed out most level 2 PS mods... don't know what to take already.

Although I want to pat myself on the back for simply surviving. 4 PS mods this semester? I think I was high when I chose them.

Things to look forward to:
1. the moment at 7pm on Thursday when it will all be over
2. waking up on Friday
3. moving house (it got postponed :( )
4. polling day results (gonna go down to one of the stadiums!!! so fun)
5. Australia

3 MORE DAYS!!! Better make the best of it. Going to paint my nails a new colour to encourage me, does that make sense??? Hehe

Been doing research on Sweden for my European pol paper on Tuesday... can't decide if I want to migrate there or not. It's basically one of the best countries to live in -- low unemployment, low crime rate, high literacy rates, ranked the best country to be a mother in, high life expectancy, high ranking on HDI, blah blah blah. Sounds pretty awesome right?

Their taxes are bloody insane ok? You have an income tax of 30%, but if you earn more than 320, 000 kronos which is about 64000 sgd annually you pay an additional 20 - 25% of high-income tax which is almost 60%!!! Plus you have a VAT of 25% on lots of things bought by private citizens. SERIOUSLY that tax burden is insane. But apparently the Swedes are damn chill about it because they get a lot of welfare benefits, social service, government handouts, etc... but still! It's crazy. Seriously Nordic countries sound freaking awesome to live in but all of them have insanely high tax rates... think they're starting to wean off the welfare state, especially in the midst of inflation and financial crises happening every other day...

Gus bought an iPhone 4 in white! It's really nice... I want one too. Haha. He's been playing with it obsessively over the last two days. Obsessing mainly with how his battery is gonna die, also with downloading different apps and whatnot. I'm glad for him because his bb was the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen, so now he can stop suffering.

ALSO MY BOOKS FROM BOOKDEPOSITORY CAME!!! YAY they came in cute little packages protected with bubble wrap and stuff, so cute

Ugh ok I'm tired of studying gonna sleep bye