this is the most unproductive recess week i've had in my four years of university

been doing yoga ~fairly~ regularly
after yoga i feel like i have a strong body that i'm starting to be more thankful for
can't wait for the day i can touch my toes with my knees locked
i don't even know what that feels like other than pain

always thinking about a lot of things but when i blog i forget everything
o rite
life is changing
great

literally i can't imagine what life will be like 1 year from now. i feel so afraid and so apprehensive about the future and if i could sum it up in one word, it is: helpless

but i guess i should be excited about things to come

i told gus once university ends and work starts i don't even understand what there is to look forward to
feel like the next thing that will excite me a lot is when i get pregnant maybe which is years away
in between then it just feels like i'm saving money for that moment, weird
gotta start forcing myself to feel happy with the present
feel happy with the people around me
feel happy with the things i can do with my brain and my body

grad trip plans altered drastically because of work
feel pretty sian about it but have adapted and come up with a different plan
my #1 priority for grad trip is to snowboard as much as i can
have been looking up year-round ski resorts and found that they are all located in europe
might make a trip back there just for snowboarding
can feel that my excitement to snowboard outweighs my apprehension at flight + cost + whatever
also want to get my own snowboard because i can't help but think that it might be my last proper snowboarding trip and i don't want to do it with some shitty ass rented board that has zero flexibility
also if i have my own board maybe in the future i will be reminded to use it and take trips and have fun instead of being weighed down and worried by work and life in general

something i actually really like doing is driving around with music i love at the moment playing really, really loud especially songs with super beats and bass

songs that perform exceptionally well in this situation are songs that make me feel like snoop dogg the most

god i really have nothing to talk about nowadays bye

feel like blogging more today
(procrastination?)
i don't know

when i read my past blog posts i feel like i've written better things then
then i start to wonder is it because i was sad and lonely
i suppose to some extent it's true that when you feel happy and content
you don't necessarily feel that urge to sort of
explicitly articulate the very depths of what you're feeling
because you don't want to deconstruct happiness
you don't need to sort of rationalize your joy to make sense of it

you just feel it

gus is at a movie with my sister and my dad
i didn't go because i have a lot of work to do
yet here i am blogging
lol

i wonder who still reads this blog??? if any

i have a lot of work to do

so does the fact that i have nothing to blog about mean i'm happy?

wrt a previous post i wrote about having to consistently watch yourself and be vigilant ina rresting bad thoughts, and how tiring it was... i don't think i do that anymore, but i don't know if it's because i've stopped having bad thoughts, or because i've just let my guard down? there are certain traumatizing things that i still think about everyday which i wish would stop, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much anymore. but i notice that i've also stopped thinking certain things that i used to remind myself of all the time, self-affirming thoughts. is this because i've internalized these thoughts? or have i retreated to a state of forgetting that these are things i should do?

i hope i don't sound conceited when i say this
but i've come to appreciate myself for who i am a lot more now
i mean that i can look in a mirror and have more good thoughts than bad
or i can see myself in a photo that in the past i would've hated, and be ok with it now
i think
the picture in the post below this -- i would've never posted it before
but now i'm ok with it. i actually think i look nice
i think it's ok to think that

probably it's sad that it took 22 years to reach this state of semi-acceptance

i just thought to myself 'i like myself more now but i wonder if other people do?'
but these are the thoughts that you have to kill
i felt a moment of fleeting liberation when i subsequently thought 'who cares? only you should care'

hi i'm sitting in gus's room doing my presentation for european foreign policy due on tuesday morning at 9am and it's just getting harder and harder to keep reading and focus and abstract out all these crazy ideas... wondering what is the point sometimes, although i did promise myself, in my last sem, let's see something that is perhaps something i can proudly say 'yeah i did my best' ha ha weird i can't say that about much else

anyways things have been hectic but for some reason i can still play flappy bird and shotzombie for 3 hours straight??? is my head screwed on right??? still, got a compliment from work that i've been doing well for that, so that's good. otherwise i've just been having lots of fun in school which is a reality that i would never have imagined even a year ago, i think. went out for drinks on friday with people from school and that was really, really fun. i'm glad we did that.

this morning we went out to eat fei fei wanton mee and it was so good tbh i'm thinking about having it for dinner

something else is that i feel like i can't even go out and have fun consistently anymore, in the way that is 'cool' or 'hip' i.e. at hte club or at the bar or at wherever. after one night out i get tired at 2am and want to go home, and then spend the next 2-3 days recovering. i'm only 22 though so why is this happening. sometimes the idea of doing what i did over the past 3 years wrt clubbing especially seems so draining nowadays, like i'd much prefer to stay at home and play cards or something. drinking is still alright i think, it's just to loosen inhibitions and to get to know people in a less awkward way. but clubbing seems weird when i think about it now, or the way i've always been doing it, sitting around drinking but not being able to talk because of the loud music... talking is so important tbh i think people don't realize that. real talking one to one stuff

nathan weizhen hanson and i went out for dinner after environmental politics last tuesday, and sitting in a hawker centre, talking about religion and God... it felt really good and i really enjoyed myself. i think what i enjoy a lot about these people is that there's definitely the moments of tummy-clutching laughter and nonsense but there's also definitely the feeling that no matter what i talk about, someone is likely to identify with me. the fact that we are all at this juncture in our lives together i feel indicates that we've forged something of a common past

i guess i feel thankful and grateful (almost typed greatful) and i should get back to work