i had a good day. i must study more than i am at the moment. caleb talked to me the other day about how to make studying more enjoyable and actually interest myself in what i'm obliged to read... it all goes back to not giving a shit what anyone else wants/thinks of you and doing things for yourself because fuck everyone else that's why

i feel like we've become unexplored islands again
unchartered territories across which we're inching our way slowly
and i really mean inching
it's good. i like the inching
this time we give each other more respect before tearing at the seams
no more tearing
now we will pick the thread apart with care so nobody bleeds

i need to eat more, sleep less, study more, care less, does that make any sense?

we've thought about this how maybe God would see things
it's comforting, sort of
silver lining, excelsior, all that stuff
could never see that this was God's plan
don't know if it really is, but if it is, i'm glad for it
and that makes it all the easier to bear

all these things 

late nights talking, our hands brushing 

the grey landscape of your eyes 

the dulled beating of my heart 

three years of total devotion 

the rewards falling into my lap? 

i have a hard time picking truth from lies/uncertainties 

sometimes they start out as truth and morph into lies 

then you can't blame anybody 

and we always need someone to blame 

i can already feel it 

i started out walking tall 

and now my back is hunched 

in slow desperation for you 

get off me please
but don't let go of my hand

always want me
only me

drowsy meds: you feel it in your limbs before you feel it in your eyes

interesting

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

Spirited Away (2001)
Hayao Miyazaki
Japan

upset i took so long to watch this film. i love it so much and i don't even know why. it's a fantasy story so there's all the elements that just don't make sense, but on the other hand there was something so compelling and endearing about it all. i'm not sure i've ever condoned love stories in fantasy movies very much, but for some reason i became a pedophile and was okay with a past-life love story between two ten year olds??? that's the kind of movie it is, you go with whatever and you feel so much for what that whatever is. and it's so brilliantly imaginative, a bathhouse for spirits, her parents turned into pigs... animation wise i mean everything is really visually quite amazing for just a typical 2d anime framework

and chihiro as a character... i know this is a children's movie, but chihiro must be one of my favourite characters of all time now.

Miyazaki did not want to make the hero a "pretty girl." At the beginning, he was frustrated at how she looked "dull" and thought, "She isn't cute. Isn't there something we can do?" As the film neared the end, however, he was relieved to feel "she will be a charming woman." - Hayao Miyazaki

I think this is exactly what I love about her, down to the clothes she's wearing, how she was a grumpy kid at the beginning, to her strength and maturity when she has to leave the bathhouse and not look back. i read a review that said the film had a 'dream-like logic', with which i completely agree. things do not always make sense to you but in the greater scheme of things they seem fitting and appropriate, which i find is quite an impossible thing to achieve given the enormity of choices he had at his disposal i.e. anything fantastical at all.

5/5 i loved this movie, not to mention the eargasm that is the soundtrack. asian films always surprise me   

1. it's strange since when i was in the last days of France i wanted to come home so, so badly, and now i miss everything about europe. last night i heard some people speaking french and i literally yelled at them, "vous êtes francais?!" because what i miss is speaking french, and hearing french, and being greeted with 'bonjour' instead of 'hi'. but what i wish right now, is not to go back to europe, but to go to Japan. is that strange? i have this image in my head where i'm alone walking the streets of tokyo, in the glaring lights of shinjuku or being bathed in sakura blossoms.. something lame like that. i do not see it as running away from my problems. instead i just see it as something that will help me cope better with my problems. when is recess week again?

2. i should probably get my shit together for school starting monday. i haven't studied in 3 weeks and i literally did not go to school for one entire week due to reasons of laziness, disinterest and general lethargy... and i want to do honours year like this wtf

3. i think at the end of the day i just have to be nice, do the bigger thing, approach everything with a big heart, forgiveness, self-control, compassion and kindness. even if it hurts me, i think i must do everything i can not to let this hurt translate into something awful. so i must always smile, always do good, always be generous, even if i don't feel like it, and one day i think, hopefully, it won't be all for nothing

u look ok all the time
i look like shit all the time

last night i dropped my phone into the toilet bowl
after that my fingers couldn't make anything on the screen move
then angie told me to leave it buried in uncooked rice overnight
and it worked
until now i am amazed

honest to God
the word 'career' or 'job opportunities' is such a turn off
i have only one goal in life right now, that is

not to start work

i miss europe

haven't found anything i am good at
except sleeping
i am so good at that

have a six hour shift at work tomorrow
have to memorise all these japanese words
ikura hamachi hamabi ika negi-toro tataki amaebi uni unagi anagi maguro
quite scared tbh