"Final Notations"
Adrienne Rich
it will not be simple, it will not be long
it will take little time, it will take all your thought
it will take all your heart, it will take all your breath
it will be short, it will not be simple
it will touch through your ribs, it will take all your heart
it will not be long, it will occupy your thought
as a city is occupied, as a bed is occupied
it will take all your flesh, it will not be simple
You are coming into us who cannot withstand you
you are coming into us who never wanted to withstand you
you are taking parts of us into places never planned
you are going far away with pieces of our lives
it will be short, it will take all your breath
it will not be simple, it will become your will
--
adrienne rich died yesterday. i like 'feminist' poets, whatever that means
31.3.12
"What Kind of Times Are These"
Adrienne Rich
There's a place between two stands of trees where the grass grows uphill
and the old revolutionary road breaks off into shadows
near a meeting-house abandoned by the persecuted
who disappeared into those shadows.
I've walked there picking mushrooms at the edge of dread, but don't be fooled
this isn't a Russian poem, this is not somewhere else but here,
our country moving closer to its own truth and dread,
its own ways of making people disappear.
I won't tell you where the place is, the dark mesh of the woods
meeting the unmarked strip of light—
ghost-ridden crossroads, leafmold paradise:
I know already who wants to buy it, sell it, make it disappear.
And I won't tell you where it is, so why do I tell you
anything? Because you still listen, because in times like these
to have you listen at all, it's necessary
to talk about trees.
Adrienne Rich
There's a place between two stands of trees where the grass grows uphill
and the old revolutionary road breaks off into shadows
near a meeting-house abandoned by the persecuted
who disappeared into those shadows.
I've walked there picking mushrooms at the edge of dread, but don't be fooled
this isn't a Russian poem, this is not somewhere else but here,
our country moving closer to its own truth and dread,
its own ways of making people disappear.
I won't tell you where the place is, the dark mesh of the woods
meeting the unmarked strip of light—
ghost-ridden crossroads, leafmold paradise:
I know already who wants to buy it, sell it, make it disappear.
And I won't tell you where it is, so why do I tell you
anything? Because you still listen, because in times like these
to have you listen at all, it's necessary
to talk about trees.
In a way I think maybe life is looking up. You go through these lull periods and then suddenly things seem to get better. I don't want to speak too soon but I'm really hoping that good things come from all this.
Last night Des and I sat at UTown's starbucks for six hours from 11pm - 5am and I completed so much work I was amazed. Feel like replicating this tonight at home but it's 12am and I'm already yawning... Can't sleep until I accomplish something though. Otherwise, I have to go shop for an outfit for my internship interview on Monday. I feel like they (1) give interviews to everyone or (2) nobody else applied. Told my mum "I don't have anything to wear" because I wanted her to bring me shopping, but in all honesty, I have no formal clothes in my wardrobe at all. Not even a proper white blouse, those stiff and starchy kinds. So I have to go buy some clothes soon...
Des and I went to eat Macs breakfast after studying and spent the whole time talking about religion. I liked it, I felt like it was a conversation I will remember. Although I would like to have these conversations with everyone I meet, I know it only happens naturally with some people rather than others. Des joked and said I left her with "weightier issues" on her mind. Today I told Gus, these xxx people spend their lives doing this and that, they don't go to school, they're isolated in a bubble of their trade, they don't think about certain things that always, always get me depressed because they don't know much about it. I think ignorance has two sides to it. One, it is always bad to be ignorant about important issues, it shows you are self-absorbed and inconsiderate of the world beyond yourself, but two, not being ignorant, it almost always inevitably (for me at least) leads me to becoming sad, depressed, helpless, because a lot of these issues have no ways of resolving themselves anytime soon. For me at least I don't have a proper, healthy structure to channel whatever thoughts I have about them. I let them fester in my mind, think about them for days, let them pool into a puddle of despair in the pits of my stomach. I hate that feeling.
Last night Des and I sat at UTown's starbucks for six hours from 11pm - 5am and I completed so much work I was amazed. Feel like replicating this tonight at home but it's 12am and I'm already yawning... Can't sleep until I accomplish something though. Otherwise, I have to go shop for an outfit for my internship interview on Monday. I feel like they (1) give interviews to everyone or (2) nobody else applied. Told my mum "I don't have anything to wear" because I wanted her to bring me shopping, but in all honesty, I have no formal clothes in my wardrobe at all. Not even a proper white blouse, those stiff and starchy kinds. So I have to go buy some clothes soon...
Des and I went to eat Macs breakfast after studying and spent the whole time talking about religion. I liked it, I felt like it was a conversation I will remember. Although I would like to have these conversations with everyone I meet, I know it only happens naturally with some people rather than others. Des joked and said I left her with "weightier issues" on her mind. Today I told Gus, these xxx people spend their lives doing this and that, they don't go to school, they're isolated in a bubble of their trade, they don't think about certain things that always, always get me depressed because they don't know much about it. I think ignorance has two sides to it. One, it is always bad to be ignorant about important issues, it shows you are self-absorbed and inconsiderate of the world beyond yourself, but two, not being ignorant, it almost always inevitably (for me at least) leads me to becoming sad, depressed, helpless, because a lot of these issues have no ways of resolving themselves anytime soon. For me at least I don't have a proper, healthy structure to channel whatever thoughts I have about them. I let them fester in my mind, think about them for days, let them pool into a puddle of despair in the pits of my stomach. I hate that feeling.
27.3.12
Today:
Had four hours of lecture
Shanmugam was just another PAP man, I feel like if you put their lowest ranking MP there he would've said the same thing, maybe, maybe not
Studied in one of the study rooms at business while waiting for Gus, and three PRC guys came in and asked if they could share the room and I said ok, sure, and my productivity sky rocketed because those guys are so hardworking
They were so nice though, it's not a library or whatever but they whispered because I was studying and I was there first
We went to eat dinner at Queensway, curry chicken rice and it was $10 for both of us, then we bought muah chee for $2, I like cheap and good dinners, we almost went to IKEA, thank god we didn't
Came home around 8pm and slept until 12am, and now I am feeling guilty about two things:
a) not getting much work done
b) my bags, because I just saw the blog of someone who got their nth branded bag and I immediately thought, ugh what a waste of money, then thought, oh wait I'm one of them too, fuck
So now I'm going to
a) study. HARD. until 4am or so
b) I can't do anything about the bags but I won't buy anymore. I hope.
Today the President of the Political Science Society or something reviewed his already completed essay (the one I haven't even started on) in front of me in lecture and I read the whole thing over his shoulder and was impressed. But I knew he was smart.
Had four hours of lecture
Shanmugam was just another PAP man, I feel like if you put their lowest ranking MP there he would've said the same thing, maybe, maybe not
Studied in one of the study rooms at business while waiting for Gus, and three PRC guys came in and asked if they could share the room and I said ok, sure, and my productivity sky rocketed because those guys are so hardworking
They were so nice though, it's not a library or whatever but they whispered because I was studying and I was there first
We went to eat dinner at Queensway, curry chicken rice and it was $10 for both of us, then we bought muah chee for $2, I like cheap and good dinners, we almost went to IKEA, thank god we didn't
Came home around 8pm and slept until 12am, and now I am feeling guilty about two things:
a) not getting much work done
b) my bags, because I just saw the blog of someone who got their nth branded bag and I immediately thought, ugh what a waste of money, then thought, oh wait I'm one of them too, fuck
So now I'm going to
a) study. HARD. until 4am or so
b) I can't do anything about the bags but I won't buy anymore. I hope.
Today the President of the Political Science Society or something reviewed his already completed essay (the one I haven't even started on) in front of me in lecture and I read the whole thing over his shoulder and was impressed. But I knew he was smart.
Gus was trying to discipline them
just one of the few things in NUS that really crack me up, this was in the library, and i want to point out that this was a white exchange student, before people jump to presumptuous conclusions that it must be a PRC or something
and we went swimming the other day, decided to bust out my fujifilm 210. there is a super super super cute picture of Gus that I took but he has forbidden me from showing it to the world unfortunately... shy ah
22.3.12
Today, feeling like even my best will yield sub par results, so what is the point of trying? Feel like I haven't said this phrase, "Omg I did it!" in a long, long, long time.
Had a great lunch with Bert at Holland V. I think we had a pretty frank discussion, feel like good conversations talk about things that aren't superficial. Told her about how I get really upset about sexism, and we talked about what the biblical interpretation of certain verses regarding women should be. I don't know, I just feel like I left the conversation with some substantial value to take away.
Otherwise, Hunger Games tickets booked for tomorrow! Amidst all the essay writing I think it'll be a refreshing break. Can't wait.
Had a great lunch with Bert at Holland V. I think we had a pretty frank discussion, feel like good conversations talk about things that aren't superficial. Told her about how I get really upset about sexism, and we talked about what the biblical interpretation of certain verses regarding women should be. I don't know, I just feel like I left the conversation with some substantial value to take away.
Otherwise, Hunger Games tickets booked for tomorrow! Amidst all the essay writing I think it'll be a refreshing break. Can't wait.
21.3.12
I don't like to think I'm a feminist. It sounds dirty, or tainted, like I'm a killjoy, a lesbian tomboy who hates men, enjoys shouting random things and being really aggressive. I don't think I am a feminist, but I do have strong opinions on a woman's role in society. I hate the fact that we live in a patriarchy and that men get the final say. I hate that so many women in influential positions give in to the male demand for sex, sex and more sex. I hate that you can hardly find boys who genuinely see women beyond their boobs and their asses, their abilities to cook and clean, how good of a fuck they are.
I hate that I look in the mirror and consciously think, I am not the sexy woman that I must be to be accepted by society. I hate that my self esteem has become dictated by the whims and fancies of men, especially when so many of them in positions of power are despicable low lifes.
I don't know what I want? I can't imagine a world where there is no pressure on women to be sexual, or to be domesticated. In the past while women weren't exactly sexualized they were essentially like servants, people with no rights. Now some women have rights but we have become sexualized, and sexual objectification has carved out a mould for women, outside of which we must certainly be ugly, dull and unfuckable. I constantly antagonize over this issue. I wonder if I spoke out more about it, if people would hate me.
I think everybody has a set of moral values/principles upon which they operate. I never thought that one of mine would be that of female empowerment, but over the past few months I've come to realize that it really is. If Gus were to turn out to be that kind of guy who trivializes and marginalizes the utility of a woman to the home, or the kind of guy who constantly demeans women with sincerity, I think I couldn't be with him. Some women can tolerate bigoted husbands. I once heard my friend tell me that her mum told her, "As a woman, just be quiet. You have to learn to tolerate. That is how you make a marriage work." and I couldn't believe it. How can some women live like that? I don't think I could.
I like this quote:
"I, myself, have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiment that differentiates me from a doormat or a prostitute."
-- Rebecca West
I hate that I look in the mirror and consciously think, I am not the sexy woman that I must be to be accepted by society. I hate that my self esteem has become dictated by the whims and fancies of men, especially when so many of them in positions of power are despicable low lifes.
I don't know what I want? I can't imagine a world where there is no pressure on women to be sexual, or to be domesticated. In the past while women weren't exactly sexualized they were essentially like servants, people with no rights. Now some women have rights but we have become sexualized, and sexual objectification has carved out a mould for women, outside of which we must certainly be ugly, dull and unfuckable. I constantly antagonize over this issue. I wonder if I spoke out more about it, if people would hate me.
I think everybody has a set of moral values/principles upon which they operate. I never thought that one of mine would be that of female empowerment, but over the past few months I've come to realize that it really is. If Gus were to turn out to be that kind of guy who trivializes and marginalizes the utility of a woman to the home, or the kind of guy who constantly demeans women with sincerity, I think I couldn't be with him. Some women can tolerate bigoted husbands. I once heard my friend tell me that her mum told her, "As a woman, just be quiet. You have to learn to tolerate. That is how you make a marriage work." and I couldn't believe it. How can some women live like that? I don't think I could.
I like this quote:
"I, myself, have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiment that differentiates me from a doormat or a prostitute."
-- Rebecca West
20.3.12
"Bluebird" by Charles Bukowski
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?
Had class from 2-4pm, then a consult at 4.30pm, then I did my essay until 9.45pm, no joke. I was amazed that time flew by so fast. On one hand I'm really proud of myself, on the other I look at my essay and it's still like shit, even though I was legitimately trying the whole time and I hardly slacked. This is the extent of my capabilities, working hard for five hours and gaining almost no traction. It's difficult.
Gus had a worser day than I did. Poor boy. He was having chest pains too. Haha when he picked me he said, "I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I'm hungry. I need to shit. I need to pee." Idiot haha.
Gus had a worser day than I did. Poor boy. He was having chest pains too. Haha when he picked me he said, "I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I'm hungry. I need to shit. I need to pee." Idiot haha.
I live for good hair days like this.
I can feel myself getting more narcissistic, but I think it's okay, it helps with my self confidence a little bit, kind of, not really. Bye.
18.3.12
17.3.12
doing my essay while watching gus play soccer. a moment where old and young men come together to play the beautiful game amidst hokkien cursing, swearing, the need to protect masculinity... the saddest man on the pitch is the referee. no matter what he does, somebody will yell at him and call him stupid. i always feel bad for the ref, especially if he is old. if you are just meeting a boy and you want to see his true colours, put him on a soccer field with a dirty opponent and a lousy referee.
a mother is using the hood of her son's hoodie to wipe his hair. while he wears the hoodie. part of me sees it as quite innovative, but i think on the whole it's pretty gross
a mother is using the hood of her son's hoodie to wipe his hair. while he wears the hoodie. part of me sees it as quite innovative, but i think on the whole it's pretty gross
16.3.12
“Scheherazade”
Richard Siken
Richard Siken
Tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake
How it was late, and no one could sleep, the horses running
until they forgot they are horses.
It’s not like a tree where the roots have to end somewhere,
it’s more like a song on a policeman’s radio,
how we rolled up the carpet so we would dance, and the days
were bright red, and every time we kissed there was another apple
Look at the light through the windowpane. That means it’s noon, that means
We’re inconsolable.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
How it was late, and no one could sleep, the horses running
until they forgot they are horses.
It’s not like a tree where the roots have to end somewhere,
it’s more like a song on a policeman’s radio,
how we rolled up the carpet so we would dance, and the days
were bright red, and every time we kissed there was another apple
Look at the light through the windowpane. That means it’s noon, that means
We’re inconsolable.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
15.3.12
getting raped by an essay. i had school today. had to sit through the discomfort of another contentious debate. it wasn't as heated as the last, that is for sure, but it still made me uncomfortable. when you put a bunch of people in a situation where there is an opportunity to prove that they know something better than another, it gets tense. and you start to see the bad sides of people, is what i'm saying, it's not pleasant and i try to lock those memories out.
these days i am reminded of the fact that last semester i tried, hard, and came out with a grade that seemed not bad to me, but was actually super average. then i look at how much effort i put into my school work these days and i hang my head in shame. even super average is a far stretch now.
if intelligence is nature and not nurture i might as well give up now
but i won't. i am going to attempt to make this essay my bitch. last semester around this time i had a feverish desire to bang out good essays and this semester my essays are disintegrating in front of my eyes.
i have set some short-mid term goals for myself. see, goals like 'get a 5.0 CAP' is stupid, because there is no proper justification for wanting it. 'i want people to know i'm smart'. that is not good enough, because there are so many ways you can work around it: 'even if i don't get 5.0 people will still know i'm smart because i talk a lot in class and i impose my opinion on everyone', or whatever. but, if you set extremely tangible, clear-cut goals with proper life-sustaining justifications, or things that will make you truly happy for a long time, then you're more likely to work hard, right? so my goals are:
1. attain at least second upper honours because it will look good when i am looking for a job
2. shoot for masters' programmes [oxbridge, lse, ucl, maybe some ivies] (because going to a reputable school will make me happy)
3. it will make my parents happy to do well
so you see? hahahaha feel like i'm bullshitting. if you've ever watched the dialogue on karl pilkington's 'bullshit man', he would fly in right now and call me out on it. but ok let's review this post in four years or so haha
these days i am reminded of the fact that last semester i tried, hard, and came out with a grade that seemed not bad to me, but was actually super average. then i look at how much effort i put into my school work these days and i hang my head in shame. even super average is a far stretch now.
if intelligence is nature and not nurture i might as well give up now
but i won't. i am going to attempt to make this essay my bitch. last semester around this time i had a feverish desire to bang out good essays and this semester my essays are disintegrating in front of my eyes.
i have set some short-mid term goals for myself. see, goals like 'get a 5.0 CAP' is stupid, because there is no proper justification for wanting it. 'i want people to know i'm smart'. that is not good enough, because there are so many ways you can work around it: 'even if i don't get 5.0 people will still know i'm smart because i talk a lot in class and i impose my opinion on everyone', or whatever. but, if you set extremely tangible, clear-cut goals with proper life-sustaining justifications, or things that will make you truly happy for a long time, then you're more likely to work hard, right? so my goals are:
1. attain at least second upper honours because it will look good when i am looking for a job
2. shoot for masters' programmes [oxbridge, lse, ucl, maybe some ivies] (because going to a reputable school will make me happy)
3. it will make my parents happy to do well
so you see? hahahaha feel like i'm bullshitting. if you've ever watched the dialogue on karl pilkington's 'bullshit man', he would fly in right now and call me out on it. but ok let's review this post in four years or so haha
13.3.12
today while studying i met an old man who was a child during the japanese occupation. he said that because of the war, he was deprived of necessary nutrients in his formative years, and so his eyes suffered a lot. he has an incurable dysfunction in his eye. one day while he was lecturing a class of 200 students in hong kong, the words on the transparency began to dissolve like ink blots. right then, he said, his retina began to fray. he said it was the scariest moment of his life, that he screamed and shouted in front of 200 students and no one knew what to do.
he has a kind face, and he approached Gus and i to talk while we were discussing a question. said that while he's not fully blind, he can only make out fuzzy shapes in black and white, that he can't stand being alone in his room, that he comes out to town at night to sit in crowded places to listen to the hustle and feel the atmosphere. he used to be a doctor, travelled to africa to work on research, studied at harvard for a year, etc. he sounds like an achieved man if not for the fact that he had hobbled in, bent double with the help of the manager and couldn't focus his eyes on you while he spoke. low self-esteem, he said, is the one side effect of blindness that he couldn't get over. having to depend on everyone and everything, even to go to the toilet. a lot of 'why me's but he has to deal with it. and so he's writing a book, with an old-school, bulky SONY recorder in his pocket, he talks and he writes his book about his journey with blindness.
'are you a religious man', Gus asked. no, he said, but he's not irreligious. said that with many religions, especially christianity, there are such fundamental flaws, scientific inaccuracies, logical impossibilities, that as a man of science he simply could not accept. how did eve come from a rib? it has no genes, no DNA. how did adam, cain and eve populate the earth? how did virgin mary give birth? but, he said, he does believe in a higher being, something out there. what is good, he said, is when people connect directly with whichever god they believe in -- allah, prophet mohammad, jesus, buddha, whoever. strip it of all its frills (also known as religion) and reduce it to one single relationship. you and this god. deeper understanding and meaning.
and i thought, that is exactly what i want my relationship with God to be. just me and Him. sometimes i think, i don't even need church. i don't need extra people to tell me what the bible says, or a group of people to discuss one verse for 10 hours. i don't need all this extra baggage of the christian community because first i just need God. the thing is when you are striving to even pin down that fundamental thing that tethers you to God, you don't need to strive even harder to meet the needs of a church, as an institution, as well. serve this and that, go for this class and that class, etc. church can encourage you but i find that more often than not, if you haven't been a long time christian, or you're not a solid one, church discourages you. it makes you feel inferior. but being a christian is not about meeting standards, you see? it is, or it should be, about being accepted even though you are not up to par. that God loves you anyway. of course church is not a pointless institution. i just think, personally, at this point in my life, i view church as a burden more than a stepping stone. i wonder if it's wrong to think this way. church is obviously a creation of God's, he wants his people to fellowship. but then again i think, why would God be angry at me for trying to pursue my relationship with Him? the answer is He wouldn't. i think in the end i will come back to church, proper. but at the moment it cannot serve my spiritual needs the way it is meant to.
i think that is what this man was trying to tell us, there is no need for all the fanfare and hullabaloo. when it comes down to it there is only God and only you. when you are in heaven you will not be judged by how many TV screens you put in your church or how many bible studies you managed to hold in a day. God evaluates your relationship with Him, not man. whatever it is, i'm so glad we met this man. i felt bad when we had to leave because the place was close to empty and no one else was there to talk to him. he's lonely, clearly, yet i think in all his troubles he has found a purpose, a way to carry on having hope. i think blindness is one of the most devastating ways in which one internalizes that his future seems bleak. i like that this man thinks, though, he evaluates and he rationalises. he said he searches for peace, but he hasn't found it, and in all honesty i don't think he will, which makes me extremely sad. anyway, even in all his turmoil, he's going back to harvard next month to study more medicine. he may not have peace but i think he definitely finds some comfort in academia, in discovering and in learning. i'm really glad i met him.
also, if someone could answer this question for me:
why is swearing unacceptable spiritually?
he has a kind face, and he approached Gus and i to talk while we were discussing a question. said that while he's not fully blind, he can only make out fuzzy shapes in black and white, that he can't stand being alone in his room, that he comes out to town at night to sit in crowded places to listen to the hustle and feel the atmosphere. he used to be a doctor, travelled to africa to work on research, studied at harvard for a year, etc. he sounds like an achieved man if not for the fact that he had hobbled in, bent double with the help of the manager and couldn't focus his eyes on you while he spoke. low self-esteem, he said, is the one side effect of blindness that he couldn't get over. having to depend on everyone and everything, even to go to the toilet. a lot of 'why me's but he has to deal with it. and so he's writing a book, with an old-school, bulky SONY recorder in his pocket, he talks and he writes his book about his journey with blindness.
'are you a religious man', Gus asked. no, he said, but he's not irreligious. said that with many religions, especially christianity, there are such fundamental flaws, scientific inaccuracies, logical impossibilities, that as a man of science he simply could not accept. how did eve come from a rib? it has no genes, no DNA. how did adam, cain and eve populate the earth? how did virgin mary give birth? but, he said, he does believe in a higher being, something out there. what is good, he said, is when people connect directly with whichever god they believe in -- allah, prophet mohammad, jesus, buddha, whoever. strip it of all its frills (also known as religion) and reduce it to one single relationship. you and this god. deeper understanding and meaning.
and i thought, that is exactly what i want my relationship with God to be. just me and Him. sometimes i think, i don't even need church. i don't need extra people to tell me what the bible says, or a group of people to discuss one verse for 10 hours. i don't need all this extra baggage of the christian community because first i just need God. the thing is when you are striving to even pin down that fundamental thing that tethers you to God, you don't need to strive even harder to meet the needs of a church, as an institution, as well. serve this and that, go for this class and that class, etc. church can encourage you but i find that more often than not, if you haven't been a long time christian, or you're not a solid one, church discourages you. it makes you feel inferior. but being a christian is not about meeting standards, you see? it is, or it should be, about being accepted even though you are not up to par. that God loves you anyway. of course church is not a pointless institution. i just think, personally, at this point in my life, i view church as a burden more than a stepping stone. i wonder if it's wrong to think this way. church is obviously a creation of God's, he wants his people to fellowship. but then again i think, why would God be angry at me for trying to pursue my relationship with Him? the answer is He wouldn't. i think in the end i will come back to church, proper. but at the moment it cannot serve my spiritual needs the way it is meant to.
i think that is what this man was trying to tell us, there is no need for all the fanfare and hullabaloo. when it comes down to it there is only God and only you. when you are in heaven you will not be judged by how many TV screens you put in your church or how many bible studies you managed to hold in a day. God evaluates your relationship with Him, not man. whatever it is, i'm so glad we met this man. i felt bad when we had to leave because the place was close to empty and no one else was there to talk to him. he's lonely, clearly, yet i think in all his troubles he has found a purpose, a way to carry on having hope. i think blindness is one of the most devastating ways in which one internalizes that his future seems bleak. i like that this man thinks, though, he evaluates and he rationalises. he said he searches for peace, but he hasn't found it, and in all honesty i don't think he will, which makes me extremely sad. anyway, even in all his turmoil, he's going back to harvard next month to study more medicine. he may not have peace but i think he definitely finds some comfort in academia, in discovering and in learning. i'm really glad i met him.
also, if someone could answer this question for me:
why is swearing unacceptable spiritually?
12.3.12
i wrote this on my tumblr:
'i wonder how vs models feel knowing they are the source of anorexia worldwide
probably just relieved that they're skinny
i hate it when they say 'you just have to love yourself for who you are' because obviously they fucking love themselves. i wish one of them got fat and ugly just so they could think about being more realistic in their marketing'
and then i read it, and then i wrote this:
'i think i'm quite a bitter person actually. i cloak my unhappiness in fake content or false superiority complexes. i wonder if deep down i am actually tremendously unhappy with the world. sometimes i can't access that place if it exists. sometimes i feel like i really have no problems, but i wonder if that is a problem'
i feel like i hate the fortunate and love the unfortunate and i feel like i place myself somewhere in the middle. sometimes i think i have too much and sometimes i think i'm entitled to more. i'm bitter about not having enough and outraged about having more than others. on one hand i think i am much more compassionate than other people but on the other hand i think i am also much more selfish than these same people. has that led to an equilibrium in which i don't see anything as truly problematic or truly harmful? i balance my excesses with my frugality, like parallel streets that both reach one destination. is this good or bad? confused
'i wonder how vs models feel knowing they are the source of anorexia worldwide
probably just relieved that they're skinny
i hate it when they say 'you just have to love yourself for who you are' because obviously they fucking love themselves. i wish one of them got fat and ugly just so they could think about being more realistic in their marketing'
and then i read it, and then i wrote this:
'i think i'm quite a bitter person actually. i cloak my unhappiness in fake content or false superiority complexes. i wonder if deep down i am actually tremendously unhappy with the world. sometimes i can't access that place if it exists. sometimes i feel like i really have no problems, but i wonder if that is a problem'
i feel like i hate the fortunate and love the unfortunate and i feel like i place myself somewhere in the middle. sometimes i think i have too much and sometimes i think i'm entitled to more. i'm bitter about not having enough and outraged about having more than others. on one hand i think i am much more compassionate than other people but on the other hand i think i am also much more selfish than these same people. has that led to an equilibrium in which i don't see anything as truly problematic or truly harmful? i balance my excesses with my frugality, like parallel streets that both reach one destination. is this good or bad? confused
finally started on my sfp essay. took a break, since then, been doing everything to avoid continuing it. god i am a disaster...
new phone = new apps to play with right haha
this is my favourite snack!!! some sort of chicken chips, anyway you can only buy them from mama shops
these parents are seriously fail. they bought a beer tower while at dinner with their three kids, and later on their kids coughed and inhaled all their cigarette smoke. wow.
is this artistic
the bunnies!!! so cute
this is peter. he's pretty selfish, he planted himself inside the food bowl so the other one had no way of accessing the pellets. greedy much
this baby was at the chiro clinic!!! SO CUTE I DIED
and this is literally my exact, permanent position while doing research for my essay. i haven't moved anything except my arm to type things. lazy lazy lazy. i think it's already a miracle i'm sitting up and doing it
10.3.12
four hours of class today, i was tired towards the end, people asking rhetorical questions, bringing up stupid points, dragging the tutorial on for way too long. BUT, i just replaced my old iPhone so i was obssessed with my new one the entire time, mostly, even though i've had it before.
this is what my old iPhone 3GS was like by the way:
finished 9gagging way early today, so i'm pretty free now... there is a cricket outside my window and its vocal projections are apt in describing how i feel towards the Internet at this moment
this is what my old iPhone 3GS was like by the way:
i literally dropped it from my hand while walking, that's how close to the ground it was, and the entire screen smashed. i had to tape it down to hold the glass shards. it was functional, but towards the end the entire hardware started to become screwy, like the silencer wouldn't hold, the home button was unresponsive, etc. so it would've been quite pointless to have wasted like $100~ to get it repaired at a dodgy shop in Far East that might not do a great job. The same thing happened to my mom's phone (though the cracks weren't as bad) and she went to Far East to repair it, and later on the phone couldn't read the SIM card. so be careful where you get your phone repaired!
finished 9gagging way early today, so i'm pretty free now... there is a cricket outside my window and its vocal projections are apt in describing how i feel towards the Internet at this moment
9.3.12
please watch
I know I've talked about immigrants before, and how shitty I think Singaporeans treat them when we could be showing them compassion. The way some Singaporeans behave towards foreign workers, I can't even begin to express how disgraced and ashamed I am of them. This issue has come up again with the controversy over maids getting a weekly day off. It's ridiculous, some of the things people can come up with.
There are two problems that exist that are making things difficult for foreign workers, majority of whom, in all honesty, just want to earn some money for their families AND not be treated like shit. These two problems are:
1. Social stigma
I don't even need to talk about this. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. For fuck's sake, you can't even let them hang out with their friends and make some noise for a single day. The video above is extremely touching. I'm so, so proud of the Singaporeans who made this video. Even though it seems it's for a school thing... nevertheless, I'm so glad someone decided to challenge this stigma.
2. Employers
Not all employers are completely ridiculous. But some are really insane. For example, the woman who makes her maid stand by the table and watch them eat, or who yells at her in public like she's a dog. Or the contractor who gets angry with his worker for getting injured (due to faulty machines not kept up to safety standards due to cost cutting), because then he has to pay for his treatment. There HAS to be some sort of regulation on treatment of foreign workers, accompanied with better legislation towards foreign workers' pay, conditions of employment, etc. I cannot get into detail regarding their pay because I'm not well-versed in the rationale behind it, but regulation and setting in place a punitive structure towards employers who are abusive or negligent towards the health and welfare of their employees (including many low-wage Singaporean workers) needs to be better!
I am actually extremely inadequate in knowledge on domestic public policy, so I'm not entirely sure if the feedback mechanisms to government are reliable. BUT, you can e-mail PM Lee, you can e-mail any fucking person in government. Tell them these are problems, these are people. As it is, we are losing maids to Hong Kong, where they get much better benefits. These are problems the PAP just might take interest in, because all they want is for Singapore to embrace foreign talent. Other than that, they have to be more sensitive to the ground following last year's election, they want to seem more in touch with the people. And you know, with a majority of the seats in parliament, whatever PAP wants, PAP gets.
KONY 2012, we can't help much to be honest. It raises awareness and that's all very good, but that campaign is for Americans to push for action, it is their government they are trying to make act. (For the record, I think practicality is pretty low on kony 2012) But this is something that we can or may be able to help... It's a problem in our own backyard. I still feel like I'm grabbing at straws here... Probably.
5.3.12
today i wondered is it possible to have an extreme belief in a certain cause, or to be total in your conviction to stand for something, and not be considered a prude or a killjoy or a spoilsport. because certain things have become too lax in this world. there are certain issues that have been reduced to jokes, anecdotes, trivial nonsense even though they operate under the surface, every single day, subtle enough not to make a great disturbance, yet poisonous enough to do its work slowly and steadily.
what i mean is,
i read somewhere that
if everybody likes you/you are popular, then you are doing something wrong
if you stand up for something that you know is right, inevitably you are not going to be the most well-liked person. the fact that you have to stand up for it already implies you are going against considerable opposition.
what i mean is,
i want people not to like me
for a good reason
like Jesus
or Martin Luther King Jr
like that
a baptism of hatred
that's when you know
you have arrived
--
otherwise, six hours of school ahead of me and my bag decided to rip at the base... no wonder it was on sale when i bought it! it is shit quality
what i mean is,
i read somewhere that
if everybody likes you/you are popular, then you are doing something wrong
if you stand up for something that you know is right, inevitably you are not going to be the most well-liked person. the fact that you have to stand up for it already implies you are going against considerable opposition.
what i mean is,
i want people not to like me
for a good reason
like Jesus
or Martin Luther King Jr
like that
a baptism of hatred
that's when you know
you have arrived
--
otherwise, six hours of school ahead of me and my bag decided to rip at the base... no wonder it was on sale when i bought it! it is shit quality
4.3.12
Deep in the breast of the Average Man,
The passion of ages are swirled,
And the loves and the hates of the Average Man,
Are as old as the heart of the world ---
For the thought of the race as we live and die,
Is in keeping the Man and the Average high.
-- John M. Mecklin in The Tyranny of the Average Man
The passion of ages are swirled,
And the loves and the hates of the Average Man,
Are as old as the heart of the world ---
For the thought of the race as we live and die,
Is in keeping the Man and the Average high.
-- John M. Mecklin in The Tyranny of the Average Man
3.3.12
fun things:
bowling
meelo
peter, who is gus's and annie's new pet rabbit. he is a netherlands dwarf and is super super times infinity cute. i couldn't get a good picture this time, but next time i will, he's got a white collar around his neck amidst his chocolate fur, and white paws as well. it's like he's wearing shoes, that's what gus said. he is 80% definitely a male lol, he's still young so you can't tell just yet. SO CUTE, but i don't think he and meelo will meet or meelo might kill him
1.3.12
things to do:
american politics essay
international security essay
singapore foreign policy essay
middle east politics essay
i'm so fucked honestly. i'm still gonna hit the gym in the morning then work my ass off the whole day tomorrow. sounds like a plan. every night i go to sleep anticipating the morning because i know i'll get to eat KFC breakfast and that makes me happier than a lot of things these days. recently i've been thinking of switching to a vegetarian diet which is proving close to impossible, but i keep thinking i should do it. but i have to do it slowly. so these are the things i am going to do:
cutting out all meats except fish and chicken, but not fried & not too much
more greens (more salads)
more fruits
snacks: nuts, fruits, veggies instead of chips and whatnot
i will still eat eggs and dairy products
so like... KFC's porridge meal includes chicken stock and chicken pieces, but i won't eat the chicken pieces. other than that it's basically porridge with super MSG but idc about that. then for lunch i am going to eat an egg sandwich meal, which is delicious & i really love it. for dinner... i don't know. it's a step! then you have to combine it with exercise of course. carbs like bread and rice naturally i can't cut out, but if i exercise consistently enough carbs won't be a problem i think. it's difficult to find food like that in singapore but... have to try i guess. i've read a lot about the benefits of going vegetarian and supposedly it really helps with your energy levels which is one thing i really need. also there are 'faux meats', i dunno how that tastes but it sounds comforting haha
american politics essay
international security essay
singapore foreign policy essay
middle east politics essay
i'm so fucked honestly. i'm still gonna hit the gym in the morning then work my ass off the whole day tomorrow. sounds like a plan. every night i go to sleep anticipating the morning because i know i'll get to eat KFC breakfast and that makes me happier than a lot of things these days. recently i've been thinking of switching to a vegetarian diet which is proving close to impossible, but i keep thinking i should do it. but i have to do it slowly. so these are the things i am going to do:
cutting out all meats except fish and chicken, but not fried & not too much
more greens (more salads)
more fruits
snacks: nuts, fruits, veggies instead of chips and whatnot
i will still eat eggs and dairy products
so like... KFC's porridge meal includes chicken stock and chicken pieces, but i won't eat the chicken pieces. other than that it's basically porridge with super MSG but idc about that. then for lunch i am going to eat an egg sandwich meal, which is delicious & i really love it. for dinner... i don't know. it's a step! then you have to combine it with exercise of course. carbs like bread and rice naturally i can't cut out, but if i exercise consistently enough carbs won't be a problem i think. it's difficult to find food like that in singapore but... have to try i guess. i've read a lot about the benefits of going vegetarian and supposedly it really helps with your energy levels which is one thing i really need. also there are 'faux meats', i dunno how that tastes but it sounds comforting haha
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