today was a long day. I reached school at 11pm, printed 63 pages of notes and plowed through 30+ of them. more informed and knowledgeable now but still irrevocably fucked for tomorrow's midterm. have been struggling the past two days with two of the most painful ulcers I have ever gotten. they aren't even big but the pain they inflict is beyond anything I've ever experienced in my mouth [inappropriate joke here -.- get your minds out of the gutter]. I want to just man up and rub some salt on it but I'm honestly so scared. I might just gargle some salt water. or I can stop being a pussy and just rub some salt on it. I hate myself

also my bb is pissing me off so badly I want to hurl it into the depths of IT hell for failure to be utility-maximizing. the 'e' button has become touchscreen meaning I don't even have to press the button, just tapping it and e will appear. or rather, 'eeeeeEeeeEEeee' at the slightest touch. so often I'll just be sitting doing nothing and suddenly realize I've been dialing 2222222222222222222222222 DAMN YOU BB

Gus went for NUS soccer training today. I am happy for him I think he played well and will definitely make the team once he matriculates. he told me a funny story today about how a kid in his class wanted to get into choir so badly he asked Gus if he could practice at the back of the class during his lesson LOL

so I realized something. I have never experienced a real loss in my life before. friends have come and gone, people who drifted in and out. I have lost friends but I have never lost anyone that led me to being completely devastated. my paternal grandparents are alive and well. my maternal grandfather is dead but we were not close at all so I didn't even cry during the funeral. I think almost every member of the closer extended family is still alive and kicking. even my dog is almost 50 dog years and still doing well. I don't know loss.

and because of that I think I am so completely afraid of it. I am scared of losing anyone. everything that happens around the world just reminds me that 1. I am so, so blessed and 2. all of this could be taken away at any moment. so I really dread the moment when I encounter my first real loss, because I have never experienced it before I think I will be in a horrid state, even if I have been expecting it for awhile. it makes me anxious to think that, makes me want to sneak into my grandparents room and listen to them breathe. or follow my dad on his way to work to make sure he reaches there safely. or call Gus a million times on his way home to make sure he's alright.

I don't know how kids who have lost parents early in their life cope with these things. I admire them so, so much. I think there is a strength there that just comes and builds naturally that I will never acquire.

but yeah. I thank God that I'm fortunate this way. I think I should be happy with that and not ask for more.

recently I have been sleeping early. the effects on the energy throughout the next day is wondrous. I've never known such stamina in my life. I fell asleep re-reading The Little Prince. now I am going to try reading it in French.

it is such a lovely book

So the Eagles played a 3.5 hour set. 3.5 HOURS. THAT IS BLOODY LONG. I couldn't believe it when it was nearing 11pm (set started at 8pm) because WOW, talk about getting your money's worth (I AM LOOKING AT YOU MAROON FIVE) !!! Money super well spent, they really make every cent worth it. So damn pleased with how the night turned out. All my favourite songs made it onto the stage, and the night rounded off with Desperado, my most favourite.

No pictures. Brain still a bit fuzzy from the lights and the music. Talking about it now won't do it much justice, especially towards the end. One thing I will say is that I'm glad there were quite a few caucasians in the crowd. Because they really do liven the mood and soak up the atmosphere, something most Singaporeans never tend to do, although there is absolutely nothing wrong with standing up and dancing a little, waving your hands and screaming. So I'm glad there was that because it helped me to enjoy the concert even more than I already was.

When I get pictures I will revisit this. But so far, best concert I've ever been to. One of the best nights yet.

EAGLES. LIVE. TONIGHT. 

bursting out of my skin in excitement

I'm trying to summon strength. Any strength. And patience and appreciation and compassion. I'm tired of myself but I'm pretty much trapped. What do I do

Tomorrow I want to lock myself at bishan library and read my readings on public policy, as well as foreign policy and revise my French. Tomorrow will be awesome. Eagles at night, I'm super psyched, I think it will be a much needed boost and break from the monotony of life. It'll be good. Can't wait.

Libya is like Egypt x 1000. Mubarak looks like an angel beside Gaddafi. It's seriously some Hitler/Deng Xiao Ping shit going on right now. Up to 200 dead today, a 1 year old killed by a stray bullet, that's madness. Hiring foreign mercenaries??? God it's like going back to the 14th century or something. Primitive and barbaric. Internet down (standard), international phone calls down (but people have worked around it), denying access to foreign journalists. Listened to a very touching call that managed to connect with BBC. It was a doctor in Benghazi who was holed up somewhere trying to treat the stream of casualties resulting from the army attacks on the protestors. He was giving information, saying many of them had been shot in the chest, abdomen and several in the head. The reporter asked him if he was afraid for his safety, and he said "Yes I am definitely, but I am here to help because if not the people are not able to get to the hospitals." Unsung heroes of a revolution. The masses move as one unit but the individuals it is made up of are so brave, so courageous I can't even begin to imagine.

But another thing I was thinking a lot about today is: who can you trust? Is there really no such thing as objective reporting? Can we really trust reports coming out from CNN, BBC, etc? Foreign journalists aren't allowed in, right? Do they really have reliable sources? Not just about Libya, but about anything. I wish someone would tell me one good, independent and scrupulous news source that I can trust. I don't know what to trust! The press is always swayed by governmental pressures, power of ownership, interest in sensationalizing everything... many adults I speak to tell me that the news is bullshit, especially news on TV because the arrangements of their footage have subliminal messages, so I don't watch that for the most part. What about print? NY Times? IHT? The Economist? Didn't LKY sue their asses for slander? Honestly I'm not very sure. Is an independent news source even possible? My dad told me yesterday he read somewhere that Steve Jobs has 6 weeks to live. WTF?! Is that for real?! CAN I REALLY BELIEVE THAT

I'm going to think about all the factors and conditions that will be optimum for creating this elusive news source. If I don't find this treasure I will make it myself.

Some nights you know you're going to have a ball of fun even before you meet everyone else. Some nights I just know things are going to be awesome and my sides will split from laughing, and I think when you have such assurance of the quality of a meet-up it makes it all the better when it does come true. 

basically Debbie can tie every kind of braid/plait/tail in the world 

look at this picture! everyone looks like an alien, it is awesome 

--

Today was really good. In the morning I went to SAJC to watch Gus's soccer match but the girls match was happening before that, so I got to watch a bit of both. Both were alumni matches so I also managed to talk to some old friends which is always great. I like to watch Gus play because he is an interesting player i.e. easily angry/scolds people WHICH IS ALWAYS FUN, but also because he's actually really, really, really good. I always think he will be shining less because he's more unfit now, but he really doesn't. It's really about what you do the moment your feet connect with the ball. 2 or 3 well-played passes in the whole game is better than 10 scattered balls with no intention. That's what Gus does, basically. He's a playmaker so it's always very fun to watch him. I also know he appreciates it when I sit there for 90 minutes and watch him, he tells me he likes it when I watch and support him 

After that he came over to my house and we lay in bed. We talked and fell asleep then woke up randomly and talked again. Then repeat. It was fun. He was tired so he shut his eyes and I sang a song, I think I probably prevented him from sleeping more than lulling him to sleep, haha. Then we parted ways because I had to go send my brother off at the airport, and he had a friend's birthday dinner. 

I don't like sending people off. In general I don't really cry, but the feeling I get is clingy and obsessive. That leaving can never be a good thing. Missing someone will never be easy. Saying goodbye is painful. But he had to go, so my brother left. I gave him a hug and I hope he lands safely soon. Then my parents, my sister and I went to Waffletown at Balmoral! GOSH does anyone remember Waffletown, I love it so much. Ate chicken nuggets and a plain waffle with chocolate ice-cream. My sister's friend came along, and when we sent her home, she brought her dogs out to play. THEY ARE SO CUTE, two of them are both Havanese and imported from CUBA: 

Can't really see but it's DAMN CUTE 

I'm tired & on the phone with Gus. Gonna sleep soon, goodnight!

You're exhausting sometimes.

another Gus-is-the-best-boyfriend post

We celebrated Valentine's today instead of yesterday because I had tuition and it was my sister's birthday. I don't necessarily agree with the idea that V-day is bullshit because everyday should be V-day. No, I think sometimes people get lost in the humdrum and the mundane but compulsory activities of everyday life - work, school, travel, etc. You can love a person even though you don't always show it. It's unrealistic to expect everyday to be about love and each other, assuming you lead a relatively normal life. So Valentine's I think, is a good day to just remind your other half that you love them, even if you don't always manage to show it.

Mine was awesome. Last night we got into a fight over something I'm obviously not going to reveal. I fell asleep while the problem remained unresolved. Sometimes I think it's funny, I study public policy-making, ways and approaches to suiting appropriate solutions to particular problems, but I can't resolve any of my own problems even though I have acquired this wealth of knowledge. So today I dragged myself through the mundane activities of school, while we exchanged polite conversation on bbm. He told me dinner at night.

At about 8pm he picked me up from my house, but the first thing he said was: I'm sorry for last night. Which touched me deeply, because I'm not even sure it really was his fault. On hindsight it was probably a lot of my fault, but he said sorry anyway, which I know was hard for him. He brought me to this restaurant by the beach out on Changi Coast Walk. Our table was beside a railing which separated us from the rocks and the lapping waves. A single candle in between us, shrouding us in low light. Popular love songs playing in the background.

He pulled out a bag and I opened it. There was a square box, so I opened that, and then a circular box, and I opened that, and sitting there was this beautiful thing:

A watch from Marc by Marc Jacobs. It is so pretty! I love it so much. Thin black strap, small simple face.  I must also assert that Gus paid for it with the money he has earned from his relief teaching, which honestly, honestly I can't even begin to comprehend. It's 8 days worth of work for him, money I know he worked hard for. Is he the best or what, seriously? (and yes my nails are white, OPI has white polish ok stop asking me if it's liquid paper -.-)

We talked the night away under the stars, airplanes flying low overhead on the way to landing, the sound of the cascade of waves breaking onto the rocks. It was a pretty perfect night, I'd say. And again, like I said, served to remind me that Gus loves me very very much and that I'm more than lucky to have found him. 

Had a great Valentine's after all. No need for a big show of flowers and declarations. Simple dinners and simple useful presents showing effort and real thought. 

Hope everyone out there had a great Valentine's too! xx

Now I will call myself a champion of sorts. Yesterday I survived a midterm I will probably do shit for. Today I churned out a 6-page essay on the garbage can model and the multiple streams framework in 4 hours. Finished my presentation for Singapore politics. Had the first French tutorial where everyone was having fun together. Met new people. Received my new bag in the mail. Had a family dinner at Pete's Place. Spent valentine's giving tuition and taking an exam. Am still awake though I only got 4 hours of sleep last night.

I feel like I'm constantly torn - things get better while they get worse. I don't know how better to explain myself. At this moment I want to let go of everything and just relax. There are times when it is okay to do just that.

It is raining outside.

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Sitting at serene centre macs. Gus is beside me but we're seprated by a pane of glass. It was too cold inside so I came out. He's having tuition soon, and I'm here to do some readings while waiting for him. This morning I had tuition and it was a chore as usual: "what do you think this should be? What is this answer? What is another word?" closer to stabbing myself with every lesson. Yet the point of it came to fruition today, crisp notes in a brown envelope. For this, people everywhere slog their guts out doing things they hate. We must treasure these last few days of schooling. Soon they will be gone and we're left reminiscing about things we loved but no longer have.

Tonight Whang is heading off to join Fudan university's branch of Mao's red army. Hehe. No facebook in China, how will we keep in touch? Maybe I will force her to write all of us here with an old-fashioned letter in perfect Chinese, complete with right-to-left reading. I will miss her.

Last night we had a farewell dinner for her at PS Cafe. It was fun and funny and enjoyable and light-hearted and jovial and familiar. I laughed till my sides hurt and my cheeks ached from smiling. Tonight we'll have dinner again before she leaves.

MUBARAK LEFT CAIRO
RESIGNS FROM PRESIDENCY
THOUSANDS ERUPT IN CELEBRATION IN TAHRIR SQUARE

OMAR SULEIMAN TO HELP USHER IN DEMOCRATIC TRANSITION?
PREMATURE CELEBRATIONS AS EGYPT FACES A ROCKY ROAD AHEAD

OBAMA SAD. SCARED OF MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD.
NETANYAHU ALSO SCARED. ISRAEL-EGYPT PEACE THREATENED.

WHAT NOW

Haha today Gus and I were filling out my tourist visa form to Burma, and one blank said: "purpose of visit" and we laughed about filling in "protestor", "democracy" and "freedom fighter". LOL. Better laugh about it so if Myanmar authorities find my blog they know I'm joking. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Days with no school are so unproductive. Feel like I wasted a day of my life. I probably did. Sigh. Yet I love them. I really love sleeping, I'm such a sloth :( btw do you know how sloths walk? It's effing funny. I knew they were deemed lazy, but I always thought it was because of their look and body shape. But no. It's from how they freakin' move which, if you've never seen it, will be the most freaking hilarious thing ever. It's how I look when I get up in the morning and drag myself to the toilet. YOUTUBE IT. PLEASE.

Another soporific post for my hypothetical readers. Sorry I constantly disappoint. What's new though? Tomorrow I have a quiz on European politics and Monday there's a midterm for foreign policy. Poised for mediocrity, once again. I am in a real conundrum.

I am nowhere where I thought I would be. Puzzled as to how come some people get everything for doing nothing. It is unfair and is one of the reasons sometimes I am very angry with God. I try to remind myself God has a plan and purpose for everyone, and that we will be fulfilled when it has come to fruition, but sometimes I honestly cannot tolerate how good things are distributed. I hope God sheds some light on this in my dreams tonight. Before I explode out of my skin in anger and frustration.

GREAT NEWS

GUS & I ARE GOING TO BURMAAAAAAAAAA ^^
So excited. I'm following his family, and they're all going back to do mission-type things and it'll be really fun and meaningful, I think. I want to see Shwedagon quite badly, but we're also going up to visit some village... Gus says everyone walks around in sarongs all day and I want to also, it looks comfy. ANYWAY! I really love holidays with Gus so I'm glad this time I can go with his family, since he came with mine the previous time. My parents have given consent, saying they think it will 'be good for me', it feels like everyone thinks I am incapable of understanding the situation of third world countries -.- I CAN but I also think it will be good, I'm excited :)

Can't put across in words how the past few days have been. Drifting in and out of mundane activities. I feel hollow when I stop and do nothing, otherwise the flurry of pointless routines distracts me. Sometimes I think about lost friends, people to whom I don't mean anything anymore. I would be lying if I said I was sad - for some of them I really don't care anymore. I think it's unrealistic to cling to the hope that you will treasure everyone you've met for a long, long time. The way people come and go really only reminds you you've got yourself and that's it. If someone stays for some time, count it a blessing, not a right.

Yesterday I let Gus read the piece I wrote on Egypt's situation. I did it for fun because I wanted to start practicing and honing whatever skills I possess or don't possess. Still too embarrassed to let anyone I know read it, except for Gus. It is floating somewhere on the Internet if anyone manages to stumble upon it, but when I improve, then maybe someone else besides Gus can read it. He gave me constructive feedback and told me what he thought of the article, which was very useful to me. I revised the article and will let him read it again tomorrow. I understand that part of being a good journalist requires that leap of faith in yourself and putting your work out there for all to see, but I'm a far way off from that. Faith in myself = negligible

Otherwise, because of our cash inflow, Gus and I went shopping after church. I bought a pair of shoes from Zara at the discounted price of $60 (down from $139, pretty good deal I thought) and he bought a shirt from Topman. Because I have a greater disposable income I'm really itching to shop, but I must control myself and save whatever I have.

Right now people's eyes are glued to TV screens watching Liverpool vs Chelsea. This uproar over Torres leaving really only ever shows you one thing: nobody likes to lose. Not meant as an offense to Liverpool fans, but Torres left because the club basically wasn't allowing him to shine. And so he left. Not very sure why everyone is surprised, because at the rate Liverpool was performing, wasn't it a little bit inevitable? Perhaps not for the old guard like Gerrard, but Torres... sad to be in the public eye or be the object of admiration of so many. To whom should your loyalties lie: millions of fans, or yourself? Fans are bitching about him like crazy, but there is reason behind his move (although no reason behind his remarks on it -.- stupid really) that isn't illogical for someone like him.

I think recently I've been searching for affirmation in the wrong places. I've been looking for it in rankings, in grades... trying to justify things by searching for approval from all the wrong people. It's horrible. I have to remind myself, there's only a few people's approval I really need to care about: God, my parents and myself. That's really it. I need to stop worrying what other people think about my decisions, what their opinions are. Stop fretting when I see their slightly upturned noses or questioning looks.

If we only have one life why do we waste it trying to live it the way other people want us to

Spent the day with Gus. First at my aunty's place for CNY (more gambling. We won a fair bit) then to Element @ Amara Hotel for dinner with his family. Dinner was insaaaaaaaaaaaneeeeeee. Everyone got a lobster, but half his family doesn't eat lobster, so between two of us we had FIVE lobsters. Plus tempura, peking duck, stir fried scallops, ee fu noodles, crab, crayfish, sashimi and sushi!!! Ice cream + little chocolate cakes, honeydew and an ever delightful chocolate fountain = S.T.U.F.F.E.D

Then he sent me home and we watched two episodes of American Idol and funny videos on youtube. Talked for about another hour plus or so, just cracking up at funny things. We had original plans to go to Zouk bcs mstrkrft s tnght but I'm kinda glad we decided not to. Don't think I would've fancied being stuck between that mass of human sweat, inebriated AGAIN... There's something I hate and love about drinking. That initial buzz is pretty rad but when you start to become aware of that clingy discomfort in your skin it's fcking annoying

First day of CNY gets more boring each year... the part I like the most is gambling. This year I haven't binged on any CNY treats. I am not a fan of pineapple tarts which constitutes a large bulk of CNY treats, and I haven't been eating my favourite bak gwa so... not too worried about putting on weight. Honestly, is there a better time? Complete strangers come into your house and give you money. You get new clothes. Tons of good food to eat plus you get to hang out with all your cousins.

At night we went to Jamie's house to have a steamboat dinner, then sent her back to Manchester. At the airport when she left she didn't cry, and I thought, that's a good thing. Goodbyes get easier as you keep going through them. One day you will be numb. That doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Also I've come to realize how abhorrently pretentious, disgustingly fake and desperate some people are. How some people can take the most mundane and banal of situations and blow it up into something so metaphorically significant, so drastically important it's SO. STUPID. This is my conclusion: philosophy is stupid and dumb. Why do we try to hang onto what we think life is? Why do we try to come up with theories and reasonings as to why we live the way we live? Why not JUST LIVE? Let be what is. Think about more important things!!! Present relationships, interactions. Society and community. Climb out of that gaping gulf of sadness and OPEN YOUR EYES. The world is much bigger than the fish tank in which you wallow

Started reading the first 100 or so pages of Hard Truths. the main 'hard truth' that LKY tries to sell is really the point about Singapore's vulnerability, which in all honesty, isn't that hard. It is not a matter of youths not knowing that the formative years of Singapore were a difficult and trying period. We get all that from textbooks. We know, we know. Hock Lee bus riots, Maria Hertogh riots. Separation from Malaysia. Dependency on them for water, on Indonesia for sand. No natural resources except humans.