Gus. somewhere to sit. functioning voices.
that's all I need.

I met him at 1145pm and we had a long talk until 210am. 'long talk' sounds bad, but it was anything but. we talked about everything under the moon going incognito, from philosophy to religion to university to human character analysis to anecdotes from our childhoods to disgruntlement then happiness to the origins of God to the lastingness of facial features through generations to sleepiness to goodnight and goodnight and goodnight

my favourite kind of times with Gus. sitting and talking. that's all humans really need... someone to sit with. and to talk to. to listen, and to respond. interaction is simple: you give and you take. if you're lucky, you give and take, but you end up with a whole load of happiness filling up inside you, like a loading bar on a webpage. some nights I go home with 70% but most nights it's 100%

what's wrong, he says
and i say quietly, every night
i go to sleep and dream of
waking up to a life where i am a better
version of myself but
every morning I wake up
to the same inadequacies
same insecurities
same flaws
and I'm sick of it

isn't that your fault, he says
and i say quietly, i dream of
helping people and putting
myself aside, of shedding this
graying coat of skin and doing right
by people

i dream of people showing up
to my funeral because i
have helped them in some way
and they are compelled to
mourn my death
not because i like that kind of
attention (it wouldn't matter because
i am dead) but because i
think i would like to know that i have
lived a life well by seeing that
i have somehow put my finger somewhere
on the fabric of another's life
and hopefully
created a ripple

i think you can have that, he says

finished two books in the past two days. 'how to live safely in a science fictional universe' by charles yu and 'of mice and men' by john steinbeck.

I liked both of them very much, although the ending of HTLSIASFU was a bit of a disappointment... in a sense I knew what was going to happen. it was quite inevitable but I kept wishing the protagonist changed something. disappointing in that sense. anyway it's basically about a super advanced science fictional universe where time travel has been made possible, although it's impossible to change the course of history. the protagonist is a time machine repair man who has lived a decade in the 'present-indefinite' gear, which is to say that time has stopped moving for him. one day he sees his future self and kills him, effectively trapping himself in a time loop. amidst all this he wants to look for his father who has left him and his mother and drifted off somewhere in the space-time continuum in the search for happiness. sounds complicated, but is a really nice story. the father-son relationship comes to a very touching moment near the end that I loved, but the exploration of the meaning of time to human memory and thinking was what really intrigued me. my favourite paragraph:

"Time isn't an orderly stream. Time isn't a placid lake recording each of our ripples. Time is viscous. Time is a massive flow. It is a self-healing substance, which is to say, almost everything will be lost. We're too slight, too inconsequential, despite all of our thrashing and swimming and waving our arms about. Time is an ocean of inertia, drowning out the small vibrations, absorbing the slosh and churn, the foam and wash, and we're up here, flapping and slapping... and sure, there's a little splashing on the surface, but that doesn't even register in the depths, in the powerful undercurrents miles below us, taking us wherever they are taking us." 


Good read, I liked it a lot. it was on TIME's best books of 2010 list. the other book was 'of mice and men' by john steinbeck, of 'the grapes of wrath' fame. that book is so damn long I don't even want to try. anyway, 'of mice and men' is a penguin classic, so you can get it for like $8 or something in those green or orange covers. that book is sad as hell. when you add crazy people in the mix, you always get a sad book. I've known of it a long time, never read it until now. it's a straight out narrative book, so you really don't get any real character reflection laid out for you. it's plot all the way, which is not so bad because the characters are simplistic, and they say what they want to say. it's essentially about two lost and displaced migrant ranch workers and their place in the then-world of the 20th century's Great Depression. I mean there's not much to it: it has a sad ending. a meaty, though mostly predictable plot, but the twist at the end is heart-wrenching.

the last book I bought at borders is 'the golden compass', which is the first book of the 'his dark materials' trilogy by philip pullman. haha it's 'young adult' but I've heard it's really good (x one million better than the movie) so I'm all up for reading it... the one I originally wanted to buy was 'skippy dies' by paul murray, but borders ran out, so I have to go to kino and look for it. I really wanted to read that one. I was so disappointed they didn't have it.

anyway yes so if anyone's wondering what books to read, I think the two I just read are quite recommendable! just my two cents worth

I have been thinking about it and this: Gus keeps me grounded. I appreciate that.

Sometimes he reminds me of things i've resolved to stick by or things that are better for me. He helps me through times when my feet are still to separate from solid earth. He pulls me back down and tells me to look straight not up, or I might bang into something. He tells me to sit nicely and to chew with my mouth closed. Regulates my shopping. Forces me to drink water when I feel sick and sits for hours at the doctor's with me, waiting for my turn. He speaks honestly with me about my problems and how to fix them. Tells me when I'm
being a floozy or a bitch. When I get tipsy he brings me home, tucks me in and doesn't leave until I'm fast asleep. When I didn't do well for SATs I wallowed in self-pity and said "I'm so fucking stupid" but he didn't blink an eye and said, "no, you're so fucking lazy." which I realize now is the more accurate of the two observations. He forces me to study when I want to laze around in bed and scolds me when I sleep too long.

He keeps me grounded.
If I didn't have him goodness knows what monster I'd be right now.

1/1/11: in the afternoon I went for lunch with my family at this cafe called Toby's in parkway parade. it was a quiet little cafe nestled in a corner of the mall. shared a spaghetti bolognaise with my sister because I like to eat plain, simple food. I think it frustrates Gus to an extent, because sometimes we go to somewhere with a very elaborate menu spread and I choose carbonara.

after lunch we went to sistic and bought our Eagles tickets!!!!! SO HAPPY I've been bugging my mum to buy them for a long time now. we've got fairly good seats! so excited seriously. I don't really do concerts a lot, I only go if I think a band is REALLY worth it... Eagles is definitely going to be worth it. I think it's kind of a must for them to do their classic songs: love will keep us alive, tequila sunrise, desperado, heartache tonight... and of course, hotel california. I really hope they do hole in the world, take it easy and lyin' eyes + life in the fast lane!!! some of my favouritesss SO EXCITED Don Henly & Joe Walsh OMG

then we went to borders and I bought some books. now I'm reading 'how to live safely in a science fictional universe' by charles yu, and this is how reading really makes me feel comforted sometimes. the book talks about the issue of time that I posted yesterday... of course more eloquently and more articulate. but I will leave that for when I'm done with the book.

after that Gus came over and we lay in bed watching scott pilgrim vs the world. it's both a liability and an asset that michael cera can only ever play one kind of character, although scott pilgrim was slightly different for him. that's because even though it never changes, that kind of awkward/shy boy humor never gets old. I liked it a lot I thought it was really funny! everybody go watch it (online)

a good first january

I had lots of thoughts while driving home in the car. I sat in the driver's seat in a daze, foot slightly pushing the accelerator and my right hand resting on the wheel. the streetlights went by quickly, it felt like being in the eye of a storm. a little bit scary; you stop, but the world doesn't give a shit. when everyone said "one" in unison and it became midnight, I didn't feel anything spectacular. I wanted another drink and I wanted a kiss from Gus. at that moment I think I was happy. I reached home alone and now I feel sad

one of my thoughts was, why do people always think of life as a journey? or as a linear/longitudinal thing? why is it not kind of like the big bang? expanding outwards? or, why is it not the opposite? growing inwards and curling into itself and disappearing with the culmination of death? I feel like that's what life is like. when you are born you are the most important thing in the world. you are bigger than life and you are interested in everything. you are oblivious to what claws lie beyond the shelter of your mother's arms and the warmth of your father's embrace... as you get older you start to become smaller. you realize how you are quite insignificant as you start to meet more people who do things better, who achieve greater successes. you learn about how the milky way is only one of thousands of galaxies. you get lost in the numerous doctrines presented to you on a silver platter, about deities and gods who wield powers and magic beyond human imagination. this goes on until one day you die, and your insignificance culminates in that: you become nothing

not a positive way to start the new year? perhaps not. another thing: why do we use years to define things... if you take away the years, all you have is days following days following days. I think the years have given everyone the false impression of renewal. if anyone really wanted renewal, there's no point in waiting until the new year, is there? if we lived without knowing the time would we live better? no expectations of things to complete by certain ages, no rushing about trying to meet deadlines... maybe

lastly, the idea of being depressed has always kind of amused me. I've always thought, there's nothing to be depressed about especially not in Singapore! but while driving home it finally dawned on me: how terrifying the idea is that a person can feel trapped while standing in a huge field. or that a person can wake up and start to feel nervous/anxious to face the world. or that a person can want to shut his/her eyes and never open them again. I think the worst thing to have to feel is to feel helpless.

I am eliminating year-time: today is not the new year. it is merely the day after December 31st. it is January 1st and that has no inherent meaning whatsoever