Last night the rain was torrential and Meelo was downstairs. She started barking and barking because she's scared of rain, and I was about to cry because I didn't want her to be scared. So at around 4am I went downstairs to let her in, brought her up to my room and she slept in my bed!!! I know it sounds so whatever, but she's never done that before. My parents don't allow it because they think there'll be germs and she's dirty and I don't even know what other illogical things they come up with... but yeah I just did it and it was awesome x 1000000 just because the rain was so heavy and I was kinda scared to, but Meelo allayed my fears just by being there :) And also she didn't take up much space. She took awhile to settle down but that's normal I suppose. But when I woke up this morning and I saw her lying beside me sleeping peacefully I was like !!!! THIS IS AWESOME !!!! but I'm so sad I can't make it a permanent thing, so.. :(

In a strange twist of events, recently I've been immersed in the company of people at school in a way I've not been used to for a long, long time now. On one hand, I'm extremely grateful. I always think about how lonely I am, and now I have this group of people who want to eat lunch with me, and talk with me, and so on and so forth. Which is amazing, and if they ever read this they will probably stop eating lunch with me, but.

On the other hand, it's so unfamiliar that I find it hard to adjust. I sit there and listen more than speak, interspersing with phrases I find funny in my head or anecdotes that are irrelevant. I don't meet them very often but still, I miss silence and loneliness aloneness, and the feeling of, I'm alone, but I'm okay. I think I have to ease into it... I realised it's much better to have friends in classes you take just because it stimulates conversation that can help you, and of course PS majors all have common interests in a way, so it's good conversation that doesn't revolve around bitching and gossiping or that sort of thing.

Sometimes I think my world is okay, just my family, Gus and me. But I know it's not.

I dread ______. Having to sit and half watch and half listen. I can't stop the anger starting to boil inside me, I can't stop the desire to punch you in the fucking face. Trust me, I want to reach that place of peace and forgiveness and zen and some other Gandhi crap but to be honest I'm far, far away from that. And so I dread it, because I know if it comes down to it I really want to be the better person, the bigger one, and maybe extend my hand for a shake... but I know I'll just slap you instead

midterms are over and i feel like i'm on a 3 month break, when in fact, lectures have been going on as usual, as tutorials have been also. ugh i want my holiday already... yes, again, shut up

gus has exams until 4pm tomorrow grarrghhasodifna;woeimfzfse;oira;wer i will miss him so much haha

wasted the day away doing anything but studying... last night i drew a pretty map of southeast asia and managed to convince myself that that was studying. on the other hand i do remember precisely the shapes, sizes and locations of every southeast asian nation, plus their capitals. on the other other hand, there are only 11.

after gus left today i had even less motivation to study.. least of all french. it is so hard to get into it because its pure memorization. what is female what is male where does this pronoun go, before or after this and that article, bla bla bla... i love it but the tests really kill me

going to entertain the idea that sleeping little is perfectly alright as long as i down a can of ice coffee in the morning on an empty stomach. i think it works!!! gus and i have found a new studying haven. i drink coffee there with three packs of sugar and creamer. i still love milo, but milo is not going to help me pass my midterms at all. 


i will save milo for days where i don't have to have bloodshot eyes trying to desperately keep open and a mind so fatigued all it wants is to receive images of a blank wall... i dream of languorous days like in Bintan, which i haven't blogged about, but it was really great, and i had tons of fun. for some reason my computer has reformatted to underline, in red, almost every single word indicating it has a grammatical or spelling error. i spent five minutes looking at "languorous". i don't think i've suddenly lost the capacity to spell or construct sentences though... or have i

before the lids of my eyes force themselves shut i must remember a beautiful stanza from a poem we had to do in french today,

je marcherai les yeux fixés sur mes pensées
sans rien voir au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,
seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées
triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit

difficult to translate so i will leave it, but it is from the poem 'dés l'aube' by victor hugo, and it is about the sadness he feels from the death of his daughter. so. i like it a lot.

okay so i just found an exchange programme that blew sep right out of the water. it's the semester at sea programme. the thing is, i heard of it way back in year 1. but i kept thinking, lame, they're gonna take a ship to india or some crap like that. BUT NO. wow wow wow it's hard to believe how much stuff you get to do!

the spring 2012 voyage sounds AMAZING, i'm really, really considering it. look at the places you get to go!

bahamas, cuba, brazil, ghana, south africa, mauritius, india, vietnam, china, japan, hawaii, USA.

THE BEST PART? right in between all that, right after mauritius? SINGAPORE. you freaking get to visit home right when homesickness might be killing you and you could really use a dose of familiarity. and you freaking travel everywhere on a SHIP, on a fucking ship ok? you have lessons on the damn ship, with teachers from MIT and columbia and whatever the hell.

honestly i can't even imagine thinking about going on SEP anymore if it wasn't for the cost. it's a little steep.. ok it's very steep. but if you can afford it/can get financial aid i think it's definitely worth it!!! it sounds so amazing. plus you have to do field expeditions, coursework, social learning and community service... sigh *dreamy eyes* it really sounds perfect. plus it's rolling applications so i don't have to rush and get all flustered like thousands of NUS students no doubt are as of tomorrow. so happy i decided to look into this programme further :) i feel quite relieved now for some reason

"Everything Is Going To Be All Right"
Derek Mahon

How should I not be glad to contemplate
the clouds clearing beyond the dormer window
and a high tide reflected on the ceiling?
There will be dying, there will be dying,
but there is no need to go into that.
The poems flow from the hand unbidden
and the hidden source is the watchful heart.
The sun rises in spite of everything
and the far cities are beautiful and bright.
I lie here in a riot of sunlight
watching the day break and the clouds flying.
Everything is going to be all right.