tonight i think is some relative downtime opposed to the next three days that follow. what i enjoy at work is that i get to share responsibility for so many things happening with the event. i almost feel like anything that falls apart will partly be blamed on me. which is exactly why i also hate it. i'm so afraid everything is going to go wrong because of something that i did. something cropped up today, a problem, i analyzed the situation and disassociated any of my actions with any of the faulty parts out of fear

my internship ends in 19 days -- idk how i feel about that

when i lie down my chest constricts and i feel my muscles pulling my shoulders towards each other

social media makes me more cynical about people on there, they expose their thoughts but only one dimension of it but often it is the dimension that makes me feel icky and tired of such constant interaction with other people's brain farts. twitter makes me think lots of people are annoying and facebook makes me think a lot of people are really ignorant and/or are pricks. instagram is ok but increasingly reaching the same levels of sliminess/possessing a vexing quality. i see the appeal in shutting off all these things but i also innately feel i cannot maintain such a plan, what would i do with all that free time. i am too reliant

tracing the roots of this increase in blogging

my favourite poem

"A Brief for the Defense"
Jack Gilbert

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that's what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only 
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront 
is three shuttered cafes and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.

oh and if i had the brain
i'd be cold as a stone
and rich as the fool
that turned all those good hearts away

well i met an old man
dying on a train
no more destination, no more pain
he said, 'one thing before i graduate,
never let your fear decide your fate'

things i like lately 

haven't blogged in awhile, but i just wanted to say that the Wool series by Hugh Howey is fantastic! it started as a series of short stories (they get longer with each sequel) on a dystopian world in which a small colony has survived a catastrophic event, and they now live in an underground silo where social, political controls are maintained by an insiduous man who uses technology to wield his power. the outside world is taboo and anyone caught for treason is banished outside where they die from suits made by the rulers of the silo specifically engineered to asphyxiate the wearer.

i only remember reading a few books that were as heart-palpitating as this:

special topics in calamity physics by marissa pessl
the eyre affair by jasper fforde
to kill a mockingbird by harper lee

it makes me happy to stumble across such a gem. unfortunately i think you will only find it on kindle! i think physical copies are scarce (the author is self-published), may not be sold in singapore. i wonder if i'm getting sick of political themes (constantly reading dystopian novels). sometimes i think i would like to read something about romance, or loss, something more rooted in the real world as it stands today but i'm afraid i think

have a distinct feeling like my blog became 'gross'/not worth reading (to others) after i revealed that i like k-pop and mindless korean things. the funny thing is though i am aware of it, i also don't really care. i like that feeling.

this week i've been sick on and off, only went to work legitimately for two days and spent the rest in bed. don't know how many times Gus had to take me to the doctor and wait for me, but i feel like parts of my body don't belong to me anymore, i wish i could get new parts, send my body into a repair shop and get it fixed. but certain parts of my body that ache do not qualify for transplants, unfortunately

i have been reading a science fiction novel called 'ready player one'. i really like it. it is about earth in the near distant future in which exists a gigantic multiplayer simulation system/videogame called the OASIS that has become wildly popular. kind of like the sims but better. shopping malls, entertainment grounds, even public schools have been transferred to exist in OASIS, while simultaneously their real life counterparts fall into dilapidated chunks of concrete because nobody can bear living in the real world, the one plagued with high unemployment, recession, falling education standards, rising fuel prices, etc. the OASIS on the other hand, being basically a virtual platform that users can 'touch' while wearing a visor and haptic gloves, can create anything the people want: their own mansions, cars, planets. avatars can be customised according to the user's wishes. The storyline follows that the creator of OASIS, a man with massive fortune, has died, and indicated in his will that within OASIS he has hidden an 'egg', and that the first user to find the egg will be entitled to all of his riches and fortune. the protagonist is an overweight 18 year old who becomes the first person in the world after 5 years to find the copper key, the first clue to where the egg lies hidden. can't wait to finish the rest of it! tq kindle

would like my life to become more interesting, i suppose it will when i reach France, if that pans through, but in the meantime how do people simultaneously work & maintain an interesting social life, enlighten me, i don't get it

some people have to shut the fuck up and stop whining about their imaginary depression