sometimes i feel a compelling need to be alone, not to feel lonely, but to just be alone, by myself. i wonder why because when i actually am alone i don't do anything special, but i think it is that when you are alone that you become more in tune to what you want, rather than constantly feeling a swirl of impositions when you are around other people. that is not to say that i hate hanging out with people, obviously not, but i just feel i could use more time alone i suppose. i just think i have developed a growing aversion towards small talk, and talking to people i don't really know. i can count with one hand the people i would willingly have a conversation with. i think maybe people tend to disappoint me, which is nothing to do with the persons themselves but rather what i've come to expect from people at this stage of my life.

i think i have decided, possibly -- france will be good for me. i think about cooking food that i want or sitting on long train rides or walking everywhere alone. it makes me feel happy, kind of.

you know that sinking feeling you feel when you get back a test paper, when you see that number or that grade. i will never get used to it.

sitting in my brother's room trying to figure out what i feel towards girls who really think they're really hot, manifested through excessively narcissistic photos on fb/blogs that nobody requested, or addictions to competitive events in the 'looks' arena e.g. pageants and so on. because i thought about what someone said, that the most beautiful girl is the one who doesn't know that she's beautiful. but if you constantly publicize your looks then you definitely know you're 'hot' or whatever, right? does that mean you are not beautiful. but if you constantly publicize it does that mean you are seeking attention i.e. comments, likes, etc? and if that is the case does that mean you are insecure and too reliant on your looks? and so if i don't constantly publicize my looks does that mean that i'm a secure person or that i'm ugly so i don't post anything lest people think i'm ugly

trying to figure out my self-esteem level through relativity. because today i spent the whole day with my hair in a bun which i think shows off my face a lot but felt ok with it. this has to be good, i think people with low self-esteem perhaps are more inclined towards using their hair as a shield/distraction

cannot decide how i feel towards france in september. i think i will mature as a person to nth degree but how much pain/sadness will i have to incur because of that 

sometimes lyrics are so lame and obvious like 'it's hard to dance with a devil on your back'
well no shit, like physically and metaphorically this is an obvious statement
but then you think, i cannot insult it because it's 'florence & the machine' and i think she is supposed to represent alternative deep music or something, which makes me think, is there something i'm not 'weaning' from it all

which reminds me of another line from the same movie, that under 'rock concerts' you would find bands with a name like 'paint job' but i thought about it and i don't think they would be rock bands but that falls under the category of bands like 'fleet foxes' or 'bowerbirds'. i think some band names are acceptable if you are a band but not ok if you are a one man band, like if 'gotye' was a full band i would like the hypothetical 'them' less. someone should patent the band name 'the ___' there are just too many

i know some 'indie' band names because sometimes i go and see www.youmeandcharlie.com which is a website set up by dianna agron from glee. i'm not sure why i go there, i think for awhile i thought it was kinda cool but over time i started to think that dianna agron is rly fake and actually i don't like her anymore, i don't really take to people who pedal their 'artistic/special side' but she took it further, she pedaled it into other people's lives, which i don't really care for. i think what your special thing is you can keep it to yourself, that's how it remains special

when i see a person's face i imagine scenarios where we encounter each other and it's not necessarily romantic, it's just these situations where the person will surprise me or shock me or add some kind of value to my life through the encounter. and then i realize then i don't want to encounter them because then my preferred scenario will almost definitely not come true and i'd rather that not happen

when Gus says goodbye i can't wait to see him again. not that i go crazy not being with him. what i mean is while i can bear with the anticipation, i always look forward to it. i don't like it when i'm not with him because then i have to wait till i can see him again. but not liking it doesn't mean that i'm dying to be with him. i manage on my own and i can do my own things and have fun, but at the end of the day, i'd rather be with him. if someone told me what i just wrote i'd think they're fucking crazy bitches but i think if i feel this way after 2.5 years maybe then what i am saying is legit and licensed and not at all embarrassing

you know what else i realised, is that i don't think elderly citizens who work as cleaners have any sort of comprehension of how much they're being taken advantage of i.e. low pay, working hours, welfare benefits, etc. they don't know about minimum wage or market rate or whatever. they just know they have a job and they do it and they get money. and so when you debate in parliament, discuss in the coffeeshops, talk about it in class, they don't have any say. heck, they don't even know that people are concerned about this thing that affects them so much. and so it's got to be just the greatest ever feeling when one day their boss tells them their pay has been increased by $250, out of nowhere, this great piece of news. i think if one ever goes into politics it has to be this incentive, the desire to bring this sort of joy to people. it's not always easy but that has to be your purpose, isn't it? of course it's not that simple but i think that is of course the ideal situation, why do we not have more people who join government to make a change

i watched a movie and this line made me laugh out loud:

'just two of us guys, and a dog, making candles.'
'what a cliché.'

yeah i'm in that phase again where i just want to watch movies in bed all the time and not care about studying, but that's obviously just retarded. so i settled on a compromise, that if everyday, the rest of this week, i can complete at least five hours of productive study then i can take the night off and watch a movie. is that stupid? NO it's not. movies are an easier leisurely activity to fit into a school schedule than reading, because in two hours you get a whole story instead of over two days. it's convenient. but when the holidays come... i will do whatever the fuck i want haha

someone mentioned something on my formspring that i guess i didn't really think about when i wrote the last post. i was in a right fit of frustration and annoyance, as i usually am when i type such wordy posts, that i didn't really stop to reflect. he/she said, why you kp singaporeans? everybody in the world is kp also what. and i spent a long time trying to argue back, but i realised it was true, no matter which way i tried to frame it. there will always be people who get angry at stupid things, cannot show compassion, extremely hypocritical, etc. simultaneously, there will always be people who do stupid things, say stupid things and display insanely low levels of EQ or social awareness. from all over the world.

i don't think i specifically said that singaporeans alone deal with this issue in the last post... but that is probably the message that was sent & to be frank, i was isolating singaporeans as the main perpetrators of the offense. and so i must add that it is not just singaporeans who deal with this problem. i don't deny that it is a problem -- it is. it is one that affects the individuals and spreads upwards to society. but it isn't a problem that singaporeans alone struggle with. i'm sure every country will have incidences like these, especially countries that deal heavily with immigration. likewise i am also aware that my complaints are futile, and that since the beginning of time people have fought wars and battles based on the 'you, me & the other' theory. it's just ranting and just frustration, i guess.

i doubt i've directly offended anyone, but i think maybe some people might feel annoyed at what i said? i know it sounds self-righteous but to be honest it's how i feel so... i'm not gonna detract it. but thank you to the anon on formspring, you have inspired this post and helped me realize how blinded i can be when i'm emotional haha

i write a social commentary

I think Singaporeans are some of the most hypocritical, judgmental people I know. Including myself, yes, I see these characteristics reflected both ways. We have some of the most snide, cutting and insulting comments in limitless supply, always ready to dish it out among friends and among strangers online. The people we love insulting? Immigrants. I've talked about immigrants before because I think Singaporeans are ridiculously selfish, brutal and downright mean when it comes to foreigners. We always blame PRCs and whatnot for their habits, their behaviour and so on, even though sometimes these little things can be seen in Singaporeans as well?

For example, Singaporeans became so angry when this PRC scholar complained about 'gangster uncles' giving kao pei faces when he accidentally bumps into them. He said, Singapore has 'more dogs than humans.' So Singaporeans became really upset, saying, how can he generalize a whole population as dogs because of a few uncles? They say we've given him 'food, work, shelter' and this is what we get.

I seem to recall an incident in which so many Singaporeans stereotyped 1.6 billion Chinese as 'monsters' because 18 out of 1.6 billion did something wrong. They failed to help a girl who was injured on the road. Singaporeans had so fucking much to say about that. So many insults. I quote directly from the comments, "If Singaporeans are dogs they are worst. At least we don't leave a two year old child to die." And you know what? It's true, those 18 people were wrong in what they did. But you know what else is true? The tonnes of Singaporeans who have to kao pei and stare at people when they literally accidentally bump into them. We can complain about them but they can't complain about us?

What else? That thing about the aunties chasing a PRC woman out the MRT for flashing her armpit hair. I'm not even going to begin discussing how embarrassed I am that so many people thought it was real. The bigger issue at hand was not the shameful naivety, it was the response to the issue. So many people 'applauded' the aunties for chasing her out, they lauded her as 'brave' and for doing the 'right thing'. Since when was physically abusing and discriminating against someone who has literally done nothing wrong except be a PRC the 'right thing' to do? GRANTED, it was fictional, and what a distasteful piece of satire it was, but the point is how has our society regressed to such a level that they condone and endorse such behaviour? There were several people who pointed out that the aunties were in the wrong, which provided slight relief, but on the whole the amount of people who were on the aunties's side is just shameful. Adding on to that, the behaviour of SO MANY SINGAPOREANS that would've been worse than just exhibiting your body hair. The aunty who peels prawns on the bus, the couple in secondary school uniform who recline across three seats, etc, etc, etc. I'm sure YouTube has these anecdotes in endless supply.

Before Singaporeans turn to criticize others I think we really need to take a good hard look at ourselves first. And of all people you want to criticize you criticize your fellow Chinese? (I'm not discounting the other races in Sg it's just that most of the people I saw commenting were Chinese) I'm sorry I just think this is so fucking stupid, that as Chinese we are looked down upon by several other ethnicities, and then we add to it by looking down on our fellow Chinese??? We really need to grow up, honestly. Call ourselves a global city-state, and what someone posted, I quote, "our culture is 1st world". Hmm. Not even close.