THE WHOLE THING IS THE HARD PART
Heather Christle

you have to live where   the house lands on you
what else can you do    your bones are all broken
and somebody loves you   who is it     tell me who
loves you    not as much as I do    I mean     I even
built you a house    and found you         why won’t
you live in it

How do I be cryptic about this? Every word that spills out of my mouth is screaming blatant, harsh truth. Angry syllables and raging clauses. How could you ever put the funny and joyous back into your throat? It's like you've swallowed a miracle lozenge of numbing power. Instead of coating your red tonsils with a lemony cure, you've burnt the hurt out of you with acid. 

On the other hand my pills for the night are becoming weaker. The stars are alive for longer and so is being in stasis. Blank eyes, open mouth, perpetually choked throat. Throw me a rope please. I'll put it around my neck and you can pull me out of this pit. 

It's difficult to lean on yourself. 

If you haven't done it in a long time your muscles have atrophied 

Your legs will be wobbly 

The unfortunate thing is before you let yourself get stronger 

You'll have decided, 

See? It can't be done.

how come everybody says 'you're stronger than you think' but they never consider that you might almost definitely be weaker than you think as well?

i had it in my hands but i wanted to hold onto it so badly
i crushed it
it fell to pieces around my feet
i've been trying to pick it up ever since but it's been cutting me
little stabs
i've been bleeding

an accurate description of this feeling according to me:

like i have no intestines
like every step i take, i could put my foot 3m into the ground
deflated

if you are famous you never run out of affection

everyday that i wait is another day i shrink

is it so bad if the world ended? i used to have all these things to look forward to. these hopes built a mountain beneath our feet that i believed would carry us up and above the reach of destruction, la fin du monde, 21st december. now i've toppled back to the ground. the mountain is gone. i used to be deathly afraid that it wasn't just some over-sensationalized myth, that on the 21st everything i've wanted in life would be subsumed by a gigantic tsunami. but now i've graduated to ambivalence. i don't want to die but i don't want to feel this either. everything feels like an abrupt ending

went snowboarding today
it was amazing
il neige
mais il n'avait pas froid

je suis tombée beaucoup de fois
mais comme une fille qui j'ai rencontré a dit: 'je tombe. c'est pas grave.'
c'est un peu poetic je pense

je suis penser s'il a raison d'oublier mes livres anglais
parce que je suis en france... probablement c'est une bonne idée si je pratique mon français par lis des livres français...
mais je sais aussi que quand je retourne à Singapour, je n'aurai pas de temps pour lis tous des livres anglais

how how how

can't post anymore pictures
'used up your free 1GB photo upload limit'
i can upload them to flickr and html them here but that is so.. troublesome
i avoid troublesome things as much as i can

ironically this makes other things more troublesome and i end up in even more trouble than before

been thinking if i enjoy living on my own
yes and no
but i think yes. i would want to get my own place if i could in the near future
i would have to live overseas for that but it would be pretty great i think
but i would miss my parents so much. i don't like missing them
i don't like missing Gus

two nights ago i went over to janine's apartment near the gare
5 girls live there
they cooked dinner for me and it was asian and it was great
so thankful
they made their couch a bed for me to sleepover and it was fun
i want to go back soon

been working on my french because i realised i don't have much time left
also because i have french exams coming up soon

snowboarding this weekend
i want to be really good but there just isn't enough time
if i enjoy it enough maybe i will go back to singapore later
just to have some time on the mountains

whatever it is: 9 days until Gus is here
i'm so excited my heart flutters just thinking about it
and the phrase 'can't wait' quadruples in significance
feel like my whole body is a neon sign flashing 'can't wait'

i can't

slippery sloping


never underestimate what you can do
when you don't believe in yourself

i understand my worst enemy is myself
but still i stand here, hands tied
bruised and battered
but ready for the punches, yet again

their ripples are touching you, aren't they?
or at least, they're coming soon
get up, dry off, leave this place

no. but don't leave me.
is it selfish to ask you to embrace them?

i sat on a boat in the river that wasn't flowing
because i wanted to find you
and the water seemed to understand because it was capable of
drowning things, concealing them under its feet. a good place to hide.
i looked into its murky depths and finally, there you were,
holding your breath on the riverbed, your eyes shining

you were so beautiful
but we both knew that i would drown trying to get to you
before i could touch you i would be
more than the fair share of water a human should be

if you cried watching this from below
i wouldn't be able to tell

i decide not to try and go home
i am not sure you're worth all that