so I realized something. I have never experienced a real loss in my life before. friends have come and gone, people who drifted in and out. I have lost friends but I have never lost anyone that led me to being completely devastated. my paternal grandparents are alive and well. my maternal grandfather is dead but we were not close at all so I didn't even cry during the funeral. I think almost every member of the closer extended family is still alive and kicking. even my dog is almost 50 dog years and still doing well. I don't know loss.

and because of that I think I am so completely afraid of it. I am scared of losing anyone. everything that happens around the world just reminds me that 1. I am so, so blessed and 2. all of this could be taken away at any moment. so I really dread the moment when I encounter my first real loss, because I have never experienced it before I think I will be in a horrid state, even if I have been expecting it for awhile. it makes me anxious to think that, makes me want to sneak into my grandparents room and listen to them breathe. or follow my dad on his way to work to make sure he reaches there safely. or call Gus a million times on his way home to make sure he's alright.

I don't know how kids who have lost parents early in their life cope with these things. I admire them so, so much. I think there is a strength there that just comes and builds naturally that I will never acquire.

but yeah. I thank God that I'm fortunate this way. I think I should be happy with that and not ask for more.