lately i have been struggling very much with something that i am ashamed to come out with. mainly because i had a certain mindset a few months ago, and now my mindset is not quite the same anymore, and i feel like a hypocrite. funny, how things changed. before i was so determined, so certain about what i believed was the right thing to do. and now i see so many loopholes, so many traps in the plan. it is exactly what i studied today, heuristic processing and poor estimation -- sometimes when we are determined in our beliefs we neglect very important, consequentially changing information.
today i decide to just come right out with it, maybe because i have taken a couple of big swigs from a bottle of Moet an hour ago, but mostly because i keep this blog for myself more than for anyone else who reads it. i used to always care what people thought if they ever read my blog but i realised recently that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. i'll say it right now to anybody who is reading, but i say it mostly as a reminder to myself not to make snap judgements and decisions on things like these, not to base it on an ideal or image, but to be logical, reasoned and mature in my thinking.
basically i've been deciding whether or not to really go to bristol. prior to this i've always championed going overseas, saying it's a good experience, saying there'll never be another time like it, bla bla bla. and i think i did believe it at the time. i'd always argue with gus for such a long time about staying vs going. but now i see where he was coming from. it was a culmination of events really, different things different people said, other major things that happened in my life. and suddenly i didn't like the idea of leaving that much. i realized i kept defending reasons to stay in singapore versus leaving for the uk. things that i had totally shot down before suddenly weren't so ridiculous. so over the past few weeks i've been pondering and speaking to several different people, including friends who are in the uk, gus, my parents, etc. i still haven't decided, but i'm on my way, although to be honest something my dad said hit home for me. i always trust my dad because he is very wise (do not argue with me) and he only wants the best for me. but he said, the fact that i'm not completely sure, that i'm half-hearted, probably means i'm not ready. he said if people leave with half-hearted intentions they normally end up having a horrible time, but if you go with a goal and with the knowledge that you want this, then it will be a blast.
i imagine myself in bristol, 3 months and dying to come home. it is unknown if i will have friends or not... if i managed to shrink my social circle this much in singapore, it probably will not magically expand there. i imagine i will miss my family very much. that i may not be with gus anymore due to the pressure. that the gloomy weather will do nothing to make me feel happier. that people will be so racist i might snap. but then i think about how i can visit paris, rome, vienna, berlin! i think about how it must feel to have a dorm room and people walking in and out freely. i think about how it's an opportunity to make new friends and meet new people. i'm very torn and it is eating me alive. i really can't decide, but i must decide at least by june.
i think this is borne out of the fact that i've always imagined going overseas as an ideal. something that would make me special or unique, different from everybody else. i thought it would set me apart, basically. i've always seen it as an image but never comprehended it as a reality. i never used to think about the downsides of going overseas. worse still, i never actually thought about if i was ready for it. it sounds stupid, i sound childish and immature. tonnes of people go overseas at my age, even younger. but i guess i'm just not. i'm not prepared to just drop everything here and leave. i've come to accept that and i don't think i should be coerced into thinking so by society, that i need to get out of here to learn to be independent or be special. i'm not sure when i learnt this. maybe in school, probably, when i see people my age who are, in all honesty, completely brilliant. and they are just like me. average singaporeans who have come out of your average singaporean education system. and i have no doubt in my mind they will go on to be very successful. so sure, i have some grudges with NUS as a school. there are a few things i cannot stand. but overall it is not that bad a place for education. it's funny, i always tell my friend who has problems in the UK, i said, 'things will be better as long as you want them to be. you can't be so negative and cynical all the time.' yet that's exactly the way i am with NUS. so yes i am a hypocrite sometimes.
all this being said, i still haven't decided. but i just wanted to let it out, come out with it that i was wrong to say those things without thinking through it as thoroughly as i should have. i know it is a great opportunity to get to study overseas and many people don't get this chance. but i don't think that is a valid enough reason for me to justify going. there really has to be a desire and a passion to go. i think maybe once, it was there, but not anymore. or if it is, it has faded considerably. and that is reason enough to consider. if you don't leave with proper intention and with your heart and head in the right place, you are just wasting your parents' money. so.
that is all.
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