Watched an episode of Community where Jeff becomes upset because all his life, he has abstained from anything unhealthy, exercised, lived "well", only to be told at a medical check-up that he might want to look into some cholesterol medication. "What's the point?" he says. "We're all going to die anyway. I want my donuts back."

When I read about the guy who died after finishing the Standard Chartered marathon, that's all I could think about. What's the point? I recall the guy who died in some other marathon, the guy who died in army, the girl in Cambridge who got hit by a bus, the lone Singaporean man lost at sea (probably dead), the 13 Chinese sailors murdered on a cargo ship. The guy who died in the StanChart marathon is my friend's boyfriend, a friend I haven't spoken to in years, and yet suddenly it becomes so real. How can this be real.

Mortality is not an issue. It is the arbitrary nature of it that disconcerts me. Gus left awhile ago and he forgot to let me know that he had reached home, and when I realized I started to panic, and I could feel my heart beat faster, and I knew I was being paranoid but I couldn't help it. I called him and couldn't relax until I heard his voice, because all I was thinking was, if something had happened and I could've stopped it, could've asked him to leave earlier or later, or sent him home myself, or not have asked him to come over, any one of those things, then I would live forever in a state of perpetual agony.

Sometimes I look at my grandfather and he's old, and it takes him 3 tries to get up from the sofa, and 3 people supporting him to walk across a room. I look at how his skin tears so easily when it rubs against something, how it bruises and turns purple at the slightest touch. I tell myself, prepare yourself. He's going to go one day. But I cannot stop rejecting that thought. Some people are prepared for these things, when their grandparents go, they say "it was bound to happen sooner or later" and are at peace with it, but I don't see myself being at peace with anything like that.

I think, on some level, I'd rather I die than see someone else I love pass away.