so i don't know but i probably just drank four shots worth of something called 'get31' and 'caraçao' don't fucking ask me i don't fucking know what the french drink, they're 20~% instead so together they're like 40%??? i don't know can you stack alcohol percentages??? i just want a fucking chartreuse to knock me out for good, because i don't know what the fuck this drink is and it tastes like listerine but i do know what THIS is which is fucking torture and its pain and its brand new, everyday, new stabs, new wounds and i spend all day, the entire day trying to stop the bleeding and close up the gashes but every fucking day i wake up and nothing's changed a single bit. sometimes i put a bandage over it and i ignore it and it sort of works. i touch other people's skin instead, it's all soft and smooth and undamaged, and  then i remove the bandages and there's all this blood screaming 'fuck you you understand'              and i feel like i deserve it i feel like i just haven' tbeen a good person in a long, long time           i haven't been a good friend or a good daughter or a good student or a good anything and so i fucking deserve this         but on the other hand i don't understand i know lots of people like me who don't have to go through any fucking thing so why me?

i thought after four days stumbling home from the bar in paris i'd given up on alcohol because i'd end up shitfaced but still sad, i thought i realised, no, alcohol is not the answer but the point is sometimes i just cannot sit here and think about things and allow myself to feel all these things that don't need to be felt             i've felt enough pain and cried enough tears thank you very much                   have you?

and so sometimes i just can't anymore. i can feel the fatigue just in my entire body like my heart just sent a million signals to all my nerves and all my muscles and said, look guys, she's fucked up, get your shit together and act like it, and one morning every fucking thing just died on me just like that i felt it in every part of my body, everything i was avoiding, all this pain that was threatening to torment me just came at once and seized me and there was no way out               and for so long, half a month exactly, i managed to keep that pain away. i managed to deceive it, drink alcohol and talk to people, pretend like i'm interested in their lives, listen to what they say because it's better than what i have to say, talk to people in french about total bullshit because thinking in french is infinitely better than thinking about this, and the buzz you get from alcohol makes you walk crooked but doesn't make you think which is worth all the dehydration you feel in the morning.           why do you think people drown their sorrows at bars?                  speaking of which i love bars. they're like the arms that will hold me when no one else will. only bars have that special thing i need to keep me from wanting to jump off a bridge: alcohol. which is my point. i thought i realised alcohol wasn't the answer but that's only because i replaced alcohol with people, for a bit, or with the routine of forcing myself to meet new people and distract myself by having to maintain some semblance of a decent EQ level in the presence of others, and it worked, for half a month, i did not cry. and then it was gone and i replaced it with snowboarding, and i boarded until my entire body yelled for me to stop. until i fell so many times my knees are all purple and blue. until i had to sit halfway down slope and will myself to go on before somebody whacked me from behind with their skis. and then it was over.

and now i'm here. six days to go. there are people i know who can help me. family. friends. but they're all so far away. they're six days away, maybe eight. how will i live with myself for this week? the answer is alcohol because honest to god that is all i know              that is the only way i can survive this week                   is that fucked up? i don't really care. and you know what i have fucking EXAMS in two days. how ridiculous is my situation? has anyone ever been in this situation? IT'S SO FUCKING CRAZY AND UNIQUE AND SPECIAL AND FUCKED UP it's only reserved for super fucked up people, so if you haven't been in my shoes

congratulations
you're probably a good person not worth nature fucking around with

i know God is out there and i know He loves me
but i also know sometimes He has to teach us lessons and i guess
i have to learn something but
it's so hard to learn it without alcohol
it's so hard to act like simple prayer will get me through this
it's so hard to believe that God is going to help me because i feel so, so helpless

do you? do you? do you?

or are you happy

i don't care. i have to study now