So what I really hate is the future. I saw a quote which was, "I'm really scared of the future and at the same time I don't care" which I think it s a way of saying, the future is really scary so I'm not going to try to handle it because if I do I might fail, and not trying is better than failing. But in a way you can't not try because there are so many things that are worse than not trying. 

I've been trying to figure out what I really want to do and I think one thing I know is that I really like writing. I don't think I am very good but it is what I like. Even when I write essays which sometimes I really grow to loathe, I enjoy putting sentences together and verbalizing them and seeing how they sound. I like to re-read old essays and feel surprised at how the words have come together and feeling even more surprised that I was the one who did that. Sometimes I feel like I am so inadequate yet other times I feel like this is what I really want to do and this is what I know I can be good at and I think that is more than enough sometimes, to just know that there is something that makes you feel good and that you feel good about and to chase that until it becomes something that is just part of your identity so much so that whatever you do regarding it is something that adds meaning and value to your life 

I think I have decided some things that I will pursue, even things that may or may not be good in the short run, but are good in getting me to where I want to be. There are things I think I want to do and that I'd be good at. On the other hand these are things you just think and are things that you cannot be 100% sure of. Yet if you take the leap to find out it's like there's no turning back. People who know at 15 or 16 what it is that they love are very lucky. They spend those precious youth years developing and honing their talent. They build up portfolios that are impressive because you can just tell that it's something someone really loves, and you are all the more impressed by it because of that. 

In a way I suppose there is really no one you can trust except yourself and you have to trust yourself to figure out what you really want and not rely on other people to tell you, because people will always feed you bullshit whether it be because they are obliged or they have nothing to say or they have ill intentions. But at the end of the day you have to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself and know that that pulsing in your heart and that urging in your chest is what you should follow and is what you should chase. Things that make you feel like your life has a purpose, like you can do something good and contribute something substantial. I talked to a friend today about how she met these guys who were super successful and rich but had second wives and second families and lived these double lives that was just disgusting to hear honestly. I mean what else can drive home the point that money and society's perception of 'success' doesn't bring happiness? If you can't decide on your own values and live your life by them and know that you are being true to yourself by sticking to your convictions then really what are you except katy perry's plastic bag in the fucking wind