Haven't felt the urge to blog at all recently, or to write down anything important to me, really. It isn't even that I'm busy with school, I just don't even remember or feel the urge. In the past I would always feel like writing. Nowadays I just don't care. I wonder why that is? I only decided to write things down now because I read someone else's blog that reminded about how cathartic writing can be sometimes.

It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.

On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.

I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.

Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.

I don't even know how to blog anymore.