feels odd i haven't been writing a lot at all but will commence a job tomorrow that involves a lot of writing, albeit about things that i'm hardly an expert in but i feel like i want to do my best, honestly, for myself, just to see what i am capable of. i can never feel like this in school, sometimes i feel like school is so impossibly hard, and it's so impossible to achieve anything in school that i can be proud of. even though looking back i recognize that is a bad attitude to have, i'm glad that this job makes me feel confident, and excited, and capable... i don't really remember the last time i've felt this way. if it goes well hopefully some of this good feeling translates to the new school semester

gus starts work as well. for 6 months. after which he goes back to school and i start work for good. feel like this is an important milestone. today, actually. the moment we both go to work the wheels won't stop turning until forever. feeling uneasy about the way we've sort of sidled up to the Monday without really acknowledging what it all means. am unsure if we've been avoiding it or it just doesn't seem like a big deal. i hope it's the latter. am going to call gus soon  to talk about this i think.

tomorrow is new years eve and then it will be new years day and it will be 2014. what i've resolved without writing down but has become ever more concrete in my mind because of the idea of 'work' and a 'job', like ok this is the time to get my shit together

- drink more water
- exercise more
- sleep earlier, wake up earlier, also sleep less
- moisturize haha
- talk less shit about people
- work harder in everything
- make time for myself
- make time for the people who matter
- cook more
- less procrastination

i met rachel the other day and we ate ramen and talked about many things. i don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, but when a certain topic weighs heavily on your mind, it keeps coming randomly in conversations without any prompting from you? seems strange to me, it always happens. anyway, tammy told me the other day about this book called 'quiet' by susan cain, which explores the power of introverts in a world where extroversion is the ideal. i picked it up today and in the first few pages i felt so strongly what she was writing about, how much i feel the pressure to be happy all the time, to be able to speak up and hold a memorable conversation, to use body language to convey a sense of power and dominance, when in all honesty what i want to do is lie in bed and read a book, scroll through humour blogs on tumblr, drink ice milo with just 2 or 3 people and talk about non-awkward things... yet everyday i try to convince myself that i am this crazy, happy, outgoing sort of person who is capable of making a million friends and being liked by everyone. it made me feel really sad and really fake. i haven't come to the end of the book, but i have a pessimistic outlook on this. i know the pressures of the world will continue to force me down this energy-draining path.

but anyway, i met rachel, and i like it when we meet and talk about books, we always somehow happen to pick up and read the same books. it happened with:

a tale for the time being
taipei
mr penumbra's 24 hour bookstore

given that we meet very rarely because she's in the UK most of the time and i'm here, i feel warm and happy inside knowing that we have the same tastes and have things to talk about that don't drain me. i also sort of feel glad that we don't run in the same social circles, in the sense that the people who irk me and i always feel like bitching about it wouldn't know her and she wouldn't know them. so i don't bitch and the gossip is limited and it just paves the way to better conversation i think, that's what i like

(what i was saying about the things u think about randomly appearing: tammy told me about the book, it came up in conversation with rachel, came up again today during dinner at jamie's)

i think it's time to sleep