lately i have felt an exhaustion in my body like no other time in my life
have googled 'chronic fatigue syndrome' on webmd like other paranoid freaks
am afraid that this is what i have because it is essentially untreatable

have been thinking a lot lately about how much your body can betray you
it is everything that is you on earth, that sustains your own perceived sense of living
and how others perceive you as living
the litmus test of a life on earth is a body part moving at the will of an autonomous mind
the only thing you can control
but the only thing you also can't

if you think about it your body is your biggest responsibility
you have just this one thing to take care of tbh
i keep thinking how shitty my physical body is might be related to my emotional health
hormones and whatnot
still i have a fear that there are cancer cells in my stomach
or a tumor pressing on a nerve in my brain
it's weird but i feel like these arbitrary catastrophes happen all the time,
it might as well be me

was watching a movie in bed with gus, and he fell asleep, and i saw him fall asleep halfway through the movie and i paused it, and he opened his sleepy eyes and insisted on continuing because he wanted to watch it. pressed play and he was asleep in 10 seconds. looked at him snuggled up under the covers and felt reminded that we, us, we have something special that exists right now that has broken down the barriers of two strangers to the point where i feel myself breathe a sigh of relief, physically relax when i am with him. i think it's sad that i cannot say for sure where we will be in a few years. but i suppose this uncertainty only compels me to appreciate even more whatever special thing we have together now.

recently i have been thinking about a few things, like exercising, taking dance classes, cooking... the other night i cooked lasagna and potato salad for dinner because i did not do anything for gus on his birthday (circumstances). at the moment i felt disappointed that i put too much mayo in the salad, annoyed that the top layer of cheese browned too much and the sides were too crispy. but when i think about it now i think i should give myself more credit and cut myself more slack. for someone who has cooked a grand total of less than 8 times in my entire life i think i did a decent job. as long as nobody went to the hospital i think i have things to be proud of. process > destination

another thing i have been thinking lately is that to progress as a person is a tiring thing. you have to constantly be thinking about thought processes or actions that you can take to better your life or make it worse. actions are far more controllable than thoughts, but the moment you rein your thoughts in, i think you begin to make significant differences. the difficulty is that thoughts come at hte speed of light, and you're usually caught off guard. thus, you have to be vigilant in protecting yourself from certain thoughts. i feel like you literally have to be constantly observing your mind from as objective a perspective as you can get, and arresting bad thoughts the moment they arrive. some thoughts you can't catch in time and you can actually notice the marks they've left behind in their wake.

what i mean is it's scary to let your thoughts run wild. imagination is a good thing but not when it dives into the realms of what hurts us most. i feel interested in how our parents have shaped our mental health, but also feel a little scared at what i'll find. i can't stand the idea of putting my parents at fault for anything ever.

apparently actions done consistently for 7 days become a habit. you can't hit a perfect 7 days with thoughts, it's such a long process. constant reminders, constant checking yourself. it's not easy, but i also feel like i have never been faced with such a task before. i've never felt the need to check my thoughts, use pure willpower to push through emotional pain. it's a funny feeling -- using your mind to conquer the doubts & fears produced by the same brain. just goes to show how everything is in your mind really.