I guess I should blog now before everything gets so overwhelming there's not enough time for anything... although I somehow always manage to find time to take three hour naps?

This semester of school, my last semester, has somehow become the worst semester there is. The workload is so unprecedentedly heavy, presentations all the time, essays, response papers, critiques... I can hardly keep up. On top of all that doing weekly readings is really no joke. The only thing keeping me sane are the people in school who are there to go through this shit with me I guess. Thank God for them, or else I'd be so tempted to do an LOA and come back next semester with Gus.

Speaking of which Gus has been working late most days and I've decided that I don't like, neither am I ready for working life. It seems like observations I've made here and there of how seemingly insignificant things change permanently once you start working have put me off for good. My relationship with Gus is one thing, which is not only that the amount of time he spends in the office equates to less time with me, but that he gets so tired that our time together feels even less. I feel like because he's so tired from work, he has no energy to put into being happy and excited to see me, which is completely understandable, and if I were in his place, I would be the same as well. It just pains me to know that this is what life is supposed to be -- an endless cycle of making money that you have no time or energy to properly enjoy. Neither is life about just spending money, of course, but if you don't even have the luxury to do it -- what is the point then? In fact, I can't even imagine living that kind of life. I feel like what would make me happy is a life that does not yet exist.

Which brings me to another point, which is that I feel my relationship with money is changing as well. It's something I've never really considered. I always thought that I had a decent grasp of the role I wanted money to play in my life. Something that was essential but not domineering. I never wanted money to be the pure motivation for anything, at least nothing that asks for a considerable amount of myself. But since Gus started working and while doing my part time internship, I can't help but wonder how much power money is eventually going to have on me when I find out I can/can't find a job, knowing how much housing and cars cost, feeling frustrated that I can't be happy with 9-5 jobs sitting in an office. In a sense, I find it difficult to search for motivation other than money in our society, where basically -- everything is about money. Even if I were to do something I loved, we still need to meet  basic needs. Gus told me that he doesn't like working late and being so tired (who does?) but it's something he knows he has to do to provide for his family. And I think that's such a regular and typical paradox you hear from men and women, who sacrifice their families in order to protect them.

I don't know but dipping our toes into the working world is making me question so many things in my life, how these things are going to change. Call me cynical but at the moment the future seems kind of bleak. I'm trying to change my view but I think the problem is that everybody who is already out there already feeds us this impression. Sometimes it seems impossible to think any other way.

Still, it's important to remember and enjoy the things in life that aren't subsumed into some grey, colorless horizon. And many things to give thanks for. Because Gus is so busy at work, the time we do get together becomes so much more precious. It feels as if the tiny things, being demanding about specific things or lazy things becomes so insignificant because you need the good times to start now before you don't get the chance anymore. Also, because I can't spend that much time with Gus anymore, I suppose I've spent a lot of time on my own or with friends, just learning to be. Even though school feels so unmanageable, I laugh till my stomach hurts at least once in every single class, I make new friends every week... makes me really upset that this took four years to come about. Meeting up with old friends for coffee, dinner.

That's another thing I want to remember, which is to make time for the people that matter. Recently I've felt so disengaged from my family. I don't like to talk to my parents about what's going on in my life. I don't even tell them when I have interviews to go for. I don't know why. I feel like an annoyed teenager at meals, like I should have felt this 8 years ago but I'm feeling it now. I suppose I'm glad it comes now since I'm older and more capable of knowing how to handle these emotions, and also to know that they're not worth acting on because family is important, especially my parents. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I think it will. But I tell myself that in the meantime I still have to make time for them and if I don't, I'll regret it.

Otherwise, I guess one thing that really failed to get off the ground is exercising!!! I don't know what my problem is but I just can't seem to get my ass off the bed. The only thing I've done this month is play tennis. Some days I feel good about my body, other days I don't. To some extent I think I'm having more days where I feel like I need to exercise because I'm deathly unfit, versus feeling like I need to exercise because I'm fat or need to slim down or something. So I feel more like playing tennis than running on the treadmill or doing squats that target my ass. I think that's healthy?

I guess I've been writing so much for work and for school, I forgot how cathartic writing for myself is. Some days I can write and write non stop to the point where I get bored of reading what I write but I still can't stop. I think people are mistaken when they think that you enjoying a certain skill or possessing it means that you will love a job that incorporates it as a primary function. On the contrary I find that what is likely to happen is that you add to what you love the labours of office fatigue, politics, deadlines, stress, authority issues -- it becomes something you hate if you're not in full control of what you wield your skills for. But on the other hand, you're told if you don't work doing something you love, you're not likely to be so good at it. So how?

I feel like going overseas soon, living overseas I mean. I wish I had my own apartment somewhere else, somewhere with less heat and less humidity. This doesn't mean Singapore isn't my home, because it is, and I will always come back here, but sometimes you need to escape a little. (I find that anyone who says un-patriotic things and makes stupid claims like 'I don't want to be a Singaporean anymore' without any valid reason (e.g. political exile, can't get married, etc), and merely on the basis of 'disillusionment with the Singaporean society' needs to STFU and give thanks that they even have a home. We take nationality as what is entitled to us, but we never realize that it is a privilege more than anything. And a Singaporean nationality, no less, is a great privilege.) I feel like France wasn't exactly the experience I wanted... it's something else and I'm not sure what it is. That sense of temporary displacement.

I think I know my youth is leaving and I'm desperate to capture whatever's left of it, whatever that means. I know you can always remain young at heart, and I hope I do, but I can't help but feel like time is running out. Quarter life crisis, ha ha, it sounded so stupid at first but now I can understand.

(Another thing I've been doing is experiencing a disconnect between my mind and my hands when I type. Just now when I wanted to type 'but now I can understand' I wrote 'but I know I can understand' and didn't even realize until 10 seconds later. It concerns me a little because 1) it isn't a typo and 2) doesn't feel like something freudian. One thing I think about sometimes is if I have a neurological problem somewhere. I told Gus the other day it amazes me how long I take to register and process certain things in social interactions, like someone handing me something to hold.)

I think my blog posts always come to an abrupt end. Oh well. Might as well keep up the tradition!