as the days go by i am reminded of my intellectual ineptitude. what is fucking new. i'm damn angsty because of this i know but also i don't really care that i'm angsty because i feel like if i don't get it out i am not going to be able to complete this stupid essay. this is even harder than the essay i did on neocorporatism when i understood jack shit, this time i understand most things but it's still so mofo hard. i don't know if it's because i am setting high expectations of myself for this essay or because it's just difficult in general but i am really struggling. 

we're heading to bintan on wednesday till friday and i didn't intend to study at all, but the situation now looks as if i'll have to over there... which is retarded... sun, sand and readings. great! FUCK FUCK FUCK 

reading through sample papers thinking, there is no way i'm ever going to produce an essay as stellar as this. i can't foresee myself coming up with such thoughts and ideas, moreover articulating them so coherently. fuck. fucking wave goodbye to an A+. plus southeast asian midterm, and french test and french oral test and have not even started on GEK. well fucking done ugh

in the car home, my brain was assuaged with countless thoughts, none of which had to do with schoolwork, the first of which was 'this is ridiculous.'

ridiculous that i should take the syllables that roll off my tongue and hang them up on a line in a dark room. do the same for yours and wait for the results. why do i need to see if you are better than me. why do i have to scramble and dig for my "achievements", sum up the total and make a table with two columns, 'you', 'me'. why. why does it matter.

should i feel shitty about myself because i didn't get straight As for a levels? or that i'm in FASS and you are in oxford or yale or some shit like that? or that you are 170cm with legs to die for but my thighs jiggle when i walk? must i? i feel obligated to to remind myself of these 'failures' but i don't know who is obligating me.

need to escape this, this, this. society or social construct. every time with one hand on the rung, you are already ten rungs above. i don't give a fuck about grades.. merely going through the motions of study simply to appease that goddamn singaporean in me. if i did not know or understand the practice of labeling, i would not know that people could be labeled. and if i did not know then perhaps i would be someone vastly different than i am today.. everyone would. wish that suddenly my vision would blur and become clear to a whole different world but still the same. la même chose. 


otherwise yesterday we watched watchmen and the sex scene was so off-putting that i keep thinking about it. it was also really awkward because we watched it with Gus's mom we ended up fast-forwarding that bit

I can't get over how much Gus's sim really looks like him:

He has that exact outfit.

i realized i was getting old today. bert was telling me all about her friends who've gone on exchanges (only six months ok) and ended up breaking up with their boyfriends/girlfriends because of the distance. then i thought about going on exchange, and how i would be so devastated if gus and i broke up because of that. and then i thought about how i'd get over losing him. and i realized, dear god. i can't do it the way i would've, say, a year or two ago. i can't go out to the club and get drunk and forget my sorrows like that. for god's sake i'd be like 22 or something! a 22 year old getting drunk in velvet, or worse, phuture.. bopping around with 18 year olds and 16 year olds with C cups. yuck. no. that thought depresses me more than the thought of breaking up haha. but whatever, yeah, that's how i realized i was getting old. gus told me he realized it when someone told him, enjoy uni it's the last years of fun. and he said he was dreading the moment where he understands that for the rest of his life, he's just going to wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, eat, sleep, wake up and do everything again. for the rest of his life. and i said, but you will come home to a nice drink and dinner that i will make because my job will be all flexible so i get better working hours and shit not because i am fulfilling any sorts of womanly, domestic obligations. let's just be clear on that

my non-disinterest in school has been wearing thin into mild disinterest. this is bad. recess week is in two weeks which means almost half the sem is gone. if you think about it it's ridiculously fast. disinterest and laziness have direct correlations of course, which means this whole week (it is now thursday) i have done a grand total of 1 reading... i even skipped french tutorial because i was so lazy and wanted to sleep. on the other hand at least my pol & the visual presentation is over! i think it went as well as a five minute presentation can go i.e. very average. one guy tried to shoot me down. "have you watched the movie? have you read the graphic novel?" YES & YES MOTHAFUCKA

dinner at white rabbit tonight.. my brother is back in town.

keep thinking nowadays, who cares what anybody else thinks. there's no time or space for that...

also time to exercise. bert and i have yoga sessions to attend but it's difficult finding the time. but i have to before i'm suddenly 10 kg heavier and start getting remarks like, "you're looking... healthier.." i wish i had a more well-rounded life.

after school today while i had to wait for gus i whiled away the time with bert in an empty classroom. we dragged the OHP to the center of the classroom, switched it on and had some fun.

Clearly the rabbit was a favourite

even though the past week i haven't exactly been studying my brains dry i still feel as if i've focused a lot of energy on school.. and so the weekend is here. time to rest. but somehow i can't help thinking, no it is time to catch up on everything i've not managed to read/do/plan/etc. funnily it's at a point where i want to do that when i wake up tomorrow. i want to be able to cross things off my to do list. at least i enjoy what i read... 

encounters with people who have talked about taking or plan to take western political thought, or american history... they said, you don't want to? but america is at the heart of politics! the forerunners of liberal democracy! the reasons i gave: content too heavy, looks confusing, not interested. but at night i realized why i had no desire at all to take any module on american politics. it is because, at the heart of it, (this is gonna sound bad) i hate america. that's pretty intense, especially if you put it in context: hitler hated jews. i'm quite sure in singapore we can't say any racist things about the races that live here, but i don't suppose i'm going to be arrested for saying, i hate america and the vast dichotomy between ideal and reality. 

of course i will say that when i typed 'i hate america' i was and still am, quite charged with emotion. i understand that not every american will be the kind that i hate: self-righteous, condescending, zealous with blind and unyielding patriotism to a cause that is unfounded and lofty. and i'm quite sure i don't actually hate them per se, but if i had to live in a house with someone as the aforementioned i would move out of there asap. there are many things i can thank the US for, undoubtedly. but there are many things i can fault them for as well, and at this moment, in my state of pent up anger, i am choosing to fault them. i'd rather study china a thousand times. 

on a lighter note, gus just sent me a message: "omg my tights flew out the window" 

i think it's an extremely funny message to receive if there was no background to it. i lol-ed.

starting to stagger under the weight of endless readings already... i think i need recess week to come more quickly than i thought. still, i can feel myself working a lot harder than last semester. i suppose i can feel happy about that. i'm talking more in class (need to get class part marks what) but not toeing the line of being one of those abrasive, aggressive know-it-alls i hope. i don't make a second comment until at least five people have said something. unlike this guy, who spoke about ten times for a minute long each time, just after every other person spoke. he was every other person.

today was tough, though. eight hours of school all by yourself is tough. in the car i felt my aloneness start to vignette the edges of my vision, crushing black into loneliness. but i know it is just a phase. i am actually quite alright with being alone. it is an acquired taste, i think. it's quite a nice feeling to know that nobody is around you acting fake, trying to get things from you, etc. i wonder if i have become more guarded. i've never been guarded.

i am hoping for a great showing in november.

teacher's day. i don't remember being particularly grateful to or indebted to any teacher. i have favourites but none of them have really 'impacted' me per se. still, teaching is a noble work and in the extremely loose translation of my french professor, bon fête du professeur!