1) used book haul at the bookworm cafe. four books for less than 10 euros 

2) what i should be reading right now -- grammaire francaise 

3) meelo

4) sister 

5) the cutest man alive 

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. 

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 

"Wait. All these people, we see them just a few minutes. Once in a while there's a face in the crowd, some lovely star-bright woman who makes me want to stay and say hello, just be still and not moving and talk for a while. But she flies with me ten minutes or she doesn't and she's gone and next day I'm off to Shelbyville and I never see her again. That's lonely. But I guess I can't find lasting friends when I'm an unlasting one myself."

He was quiet.

"Or can I?"

"May I talk now?"

"I think so, yes." The hamburgers in this place were wrapped half-over in thin oiled paper, and when you unwrapped them you got sesame seeds everywhere - useless little things, but the hamburgers were good. He ate in silence for a time and so did I, wondering what he would say.

"Well, Richad, we're magnets, aren't we? Not magnets. We're iron, wrapped in copper wire, and whenever we want to magnetize ourselves we can. Pour our inner voltage through the wire, we can attract whatever we want to attract. A magnet is not anxious about how it works. It is itself, and by its nature it draws some things and leaves others untouched."

I ate a potato chip and frowned at him. "You left out one thing. How do I do it?"

"You don't do anything. Cosmic law, remember? Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are and attracts those who do, and from whom we have to learn, as well."

"But that takes a lot of faith, and meanwhile you get pretty lonely."

He looked at me strangely over his hamburger.

"Humbug on faith. Takes zero faith. What it takes is imagination. If you have imagination as a grain of sesame seed, all things are possible to you."

"I'm supposed to imagine this magnetizing? I imagine some lovely wise mystical lady appearing in a hayfield crowd in Tarragon, Illinois? I can do that, but that's all that is, that's just my imagination."

He looked despairingly to heaven, represented for the moment by the tin-plate ceiling and cold lights of Em and Edna's Cafe. "Just your imagination? Of course it's your imagination! This world is your imagination, have you forgoten? Where your thinking is, there is your experience; As a man thinks, so is he; That which I feared is come upon me; Think and grow rich: Creative visualisation for fun and profit; How to find friends by being who you are. Your imagining doesn't change the Is one whit, doesn't affect reality at all. But we are talking about Warner Brothers worlds, MGM lifetimes, and every second of those are illusions and imaginations. All dreams with the symbols we waking dreamers conjure for ourseles."

- Illusions by Richard Bach

Making my way slowly towards
a quiet existence
a cocoon of me that doesn't disturb the outside world
I don't even have to become a butterfly
Or maybe I do, because butterflies only need one mate

once in awhile perhaps i can call for delivery to my cocoon home
or have a cocoon party with max. 4 people maybe
but my cocoon only has space for 1 other person to sleepover

when i emerge maybe
everything will be better

Tonight we went to the bar but I'm afraid everybody has already found their cliques and ours is small but it is decent and I think maybe on this exchange I don't have to have that crazy, party experience. One thing I keep trying to remember, the cosmic law of attraction which is something I read about in Illusions by Richard Bach, 'everybody is free to do whatever they want to do' and that people will come in and out of your life depending whether or not they have things to learn from you, or if they have nothing to contribute. While I was at the bar I kept thinking, I feel like going home, I feel like reading a book, lying in bed, feeling jaded but also happy under the covers.

The people who constantly tell you that you have to make friends and put yourself out there... I wonder, if they've ever thought about the fact that sometimes it is

okay
to
be
lonely

Still, even if I wanted to make friends, I can feel radiations and waves of racism flood over me, like how people's eyes avert mine when searching a crowd for friends or the significant drop in jolliness or vivaciousness when I ask for help or something. Of course there are exceptions but I thought to myself, perhaps I would rather people be outright insulting rather than play this stupid game of subtle racism, acting like they are judging me even though it's so obvious

But so far I like these people:

a girl from slovakia
a girl from korea
a girl from germany
a guy from italy who skipped out on the bar to watch soccer
a girl from maastricht
a girl from perth

There are very few guys here.

The best part of my day is getting on skype to tell Gus about the second best part of my day which is usually some sort of other activity.

School at 930am. Goodnight.

Bonjour!

Je suis en France maintenant et il est tres tres difficile pour moi de faire quelque chose! Partout où je vais, je me sens comme un idiot! Mes phrases favorites sont ces quatre:

1. Je suis désolee, mais parlez-vous Anglais?
2. Pardon? Excusez-moi?
3. What?
4. Huh?

Du moins je pouvais changer mes cours de français vers l'anglais. Une chose qui est très bonne, c'est que mes cours ne sont pas obligatoire! Ne deux que sont obligatoire, mais l'autre cours, si vous prenez votre exam, qui est assez bon! J'ai enregistré pour une cours sportif aussi. Je pens que je ne irai pas mes cours à tous!

--

The pains that it took me to write the above should sufficiently describe the horror that has enveloped my being upon arriving in the fair country of France. It seems that I have severely overestimated my french speaking capabilities. That my confidence has been shattered to the pits of hell is an understatement.

Grenoble is a beautiful city, however. Just not where I live, unfortunately. The people are nice enough, except for my neighbour who told me last night that I was "making too much noise". I looked at my empty room and my youtube video playing at half the maximum volume, smiled and said "Ok sorry." That silly man better not disturb me again.

I have hardly unpacked anything properly in my room. Today I struggled through a 45 minute journey on public transport with bags and bags of groceries and daily necessities... I am tired of needing things but I am also tired of buying things. How does that work?

School this morning was pleasant enough and I met some new people which was fun but I hope to meet even more people and also go swim in my hostel swimming pool not alone. I knew loneliness came hand in hand with exchange but to be honest I think so far I'm coping fairly well. What I actually said above is that you don't have to actually attend any of your classes, except for two, but having four out of six classes with no attendance penalties is PRETTY DAMN AWESOME

I've forgotten anything and everything I've learnt about politics in Singapore. I expect to do badly and will not be sorry for it. If anything I'm going to relax the hell out of the next few months because that is how you make your money's worth

In less than 24 hours I'm leaving for France. Coming here was a step out of my comfort zone, and now I've built another comfort zone in Maastricht, and I have to leave it too. Going to France alone on a train to Paris at 6am. Honestly, I'm scared. Facing the prospect of the possibility of a very shitty 3 months... I try to tell myself it'll all be okay, it'll be fun, but there's always that cloud of doubt that won't blow away

Last night we went to get drinks and they bought me two tequila shots because it's my last night, so to speak. Successfully inebriated, we went home and watched youtube videos and listened to songs from our adolescence. It was fun. I will miss Maastricht and this house and this room and this mattress...

I will miss these people! Thanks for making my first 10 days in Europe pretty awesome :)

Been in Europe for a week
Half a day in Amsterdam
Six and a half days in a charming city called Maastricht
I like it so far
We wake up at 9, 10am and everyone eats chocolate cereal with coffee
Blow 2 euros to go to the city and walk walk walk
Yesterday we visited a park that had a carnival going on
There was a live choir and a small van that sold coffee for 1 euro
We sat on the grass in front of a lake that had ducks in it
Somebody smoked joints on the other end of the park but I could smell it
Dutch people are nice. Racist fuckers are usually below 18.
When a young white person talks to us I feel apprehensive, almost anticipating an insult
1/5 times it comes

No Internet is forcing us to do other things which is good
There is a party tonight "under the bridge" with over "1000 people"
Sounds like a mass picnic which I would not mind either

I leave for France alone in four days
A little scared. Being alone with my 30kg luggage.