all the bullshit i've been listening to lately. i put elephants because i'm really slow catching up to these songs but then i realised that elephants could run real fast if they wanted to. should've put a sloth
29.5.13
28.5.13
i don't have anything to talk about anymore, sometimes i feel
did i just type like yoda
i have been playing tennis and doing exercises at home fairly regularly i think. i gym sometimes. i try to eat better (not always successful) and today i started drinking more water (2 cups so far... not great progress imo). have been more excited about 'cooking' and the limited options that open to me (limited by my lack of any cooking skills obviously) and thus the implication that i can probably only make salads for a long time to come... the other day gus ruined four eggs before he boiled another three to hard boiled perfection and made me egg mayo on toast. it was the best egg mayo i've tasted
another thing is that i changed my wallpaper to a phrase "this is a fight you can win" because all i ever view this as is that, a fight, against myself but i must win against myself. i find it so ridiculous that there are these two personas battling in the same person, one that wants to drag me to the pits of depression and self-pity, and the other (much more difficult to channel) is the one that wants to bring me to a land of light, books, peace of mind... dare i say it... 'happiness'
because i've realised it's so important to feel good about yourself and in johnny depp's words, 'if you're not on your side how can you expect anyone else to be?' which i feel is a valid statement and something that i've been keeping in mind. i have been making very conscious choices every day at every minute pertaining to whatever may be relevant at the moment, but choices that make me feel stronger and surer at the end of everyday (most of the time). i have those moments, driving in the car alone, waiting to fall asleep, when everything comes rushing back to me like a tidal wave but at least i don't cry anymore when they happen (most of the time). i just sort of force myself to think about something else because what people don't really remember i suppose is that tidal waves also recede
more photos from taiwan
did i just type like yoda
i have been playing tennis and doing exercises at home fairly regularly i think. i gym sometimes. i try to eat better (not always successful) and today i started drinking more water (2 cups so far... not great progress imo). have been more excited about 'cooking' and the limited options that open to me (limited by my lack of any cooking skills obviously) and thus the implication that i can probably only make salads for a long time to come... the other day gus ruined four eggs before he boiled another three to hard boiled perfection and made me egg mayo on toast. it was the best egg mayo i've tasted
another thing is that i changed my wallpaper to a phrase "this is a fight you can win" because all i ever view this as is that, a fight, against myself but i must win against myself. i find it so ridiculous that there are these two personas battling in the same person, one that wants to drag me to the pits of depression and self-pity, and the other (much more difficult to channel) is the one that wants to bring me to a land of light, books, peace of mind... dare i say it... 'happiness'
because i've realised it's so important to feel good about yourself and in johnny depp's words, 'if you're not on your side how can you expect anyone else to be?' which i feel is a valid statement and something that i've been keeping in mind. i have been making very conscious choices every day at every minute pertaining to whatever may be relevant at the moment, but choices that make me feel stronger and surer at the end of everyday (most of the time). i have those moments, driving in the car alone, waiting to fall asleep, when everything comes rushing back to me like a tidal wave but at least i don't cry anymore when they happen (most of the time). i just sort of force myself to think about something else because what people don't really remember i suppose is that tidal waves also recede
more photos from taiwan
18.5.13
My mind these days is always on my self-esteem. Today I had coffee with a friend who talked to me about God. I am not entirely sure how this all fell together but he mentioned that people are weak and we are a few things: liars, cheaters, selfish, insecure, incapable -- then he went on to explore 'insecure'. Why are we insecure? It seemed random that he would choose to harp on this one topic but I'm glad he did because insecurity is all that has been on my mind these past few months, and trying to move past it.
He said, when you're insecure, you don't really believe that God loves you. To me that sounds ridiculous. That's one of the most basic things and one of the most fundamental truths I turn to especially when I'm in need -- God loves me. But he said, no. You mustn't believe that. Because if you understood how glorious God is (and he translated the word glorious into the word 'heavy' or worthy. How much God weighs in your life), and you understood then that God in all this power and might, chooses to love YOU, and finds YOU worthy, with all your flaws and sicknesses and fucked up shit going on -- then you wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else ever thought again. Because God is better and greater than anyone who is going to have an opinion on your identity and your being, their opinions become irrelevant when you're secure in the knowledge that God finds you fully worthy despite all the things you are insecure about.
I never thought about it this way, that my insecurities about my looks, my personality were related to how shaky my belief was of God's love for me. That inherently I don't feel like I'm worth anything to Him. All horizontal relationships are affected by the vertical. The whole of Christianity is a paradox. I believe that I am a piece of shit, but God still loves me anyway, so I must be worth something and not a piece of shit. But I am! It's upon this dynamic between humility and undeserved grace that we must operate and live our lives, I think.
Today I went through a really rough day. I think in the past few months the things that have been so important to me just broke down so quickly I never even realised they were so fragile. Since then I've been picking up the pieces and doing things all over again, trying to do them better. But today was one of those days where you've cut yourself on the shards and you just can't help crying, looking at the shabby, dulled version of whatever previous glory you have tried to restore. It was one of those days where I felt so helpless and powerless. I find it sad that I only turn to God when I feel this way. But I did. And just that feeling, when things spin so out of your control that you can't even touch them anymore, to have some knowledge that somebody out there loves you enough to fix it for you instead. And true enough, God came through and made the night better. And through whatever happened today I find myself learning new things and growing stronger from it already.
And this quote. I love it:
"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." --- Martin Luther King Jr
He said, when you're insecure, you don't really believe that God loves you. To me that sounds ridiculous. That's one of the most basic things and one of the most fundamental truths I turn to especially when I'm in need -- God loves me. But he said, no. You mustn't believe that. Because if you understood how glorious God is (and he translated the word glorious into the word 'heavy' or worthy. How much God weighs in your life), and you understood then that God in all this power and might, chooses to love YOU, and finds YOU worthy, with all your flaws and sicknesses and fucked up shit going on -- then you wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else ever thought again. Because God is better and greater than anyone who is going to have an opinion on your identity and your being, their opinions become irrelevant when you're secure in the knowledge that God finds you fully worthy despite all the things you are insecure about.
I never thought about it this way, that my insecurities about my looks, my personality were related to how shaky my belief was of God's love for me. That inherently I don't feel like I'm worth anything to Him. All horizontal relationships are affected by the vertical. The whole of Christianity is a paradox. I believe that I am a piece of shit, but God still loves me anyway, so I must be worth something and not a piece of shit. But I am! It's upon this dynamic between humility and undeserved grace that we must operate and live our lives, I think.
Today I went through a really rough day. I think in the past few months the things that have been so important to me just broke down so quickly I never even realised they were so fragile. Since then I've been picking up the pieces and doing things all over again, trying to do them better. But today was one of those days where you've cut yourself on the shards and you just can't help crying, looking at the shabby, dulled version of whatever previous glory you have tried to restore. It was one of those days where I felt so helpless and powerless. I find it sad that I only turn to God when I feel this way. But I did. And just that feeling, when things spin so out of your control that you can't even touch them anymore, to have some knowledge that somebody out there loves you enough to fix it for you instead. And true enough, God came through and made the night better. And through whatever happened today I find myself learning new things and growing stronger from it already.
And this quote. I love it:
"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." --- Martin Luther King Jr
16.5.13
taipei
when this bitchin man wore a running man shirt and walked around as if it was nothing
when we cycled 20km in four hours at danshui and gus kept accusing me of not pulling my weight
when we stopped at some random cafe along the way and drank iced lattes
when gus couldn't finish this tall ass ice cream
when we were on a tv haha
when we bought unnecessarily excessive amounts of adventure time merchandise for annie
when this whole team of young female soccer players attempted to order food all at once
when this dj in the club treated it like his own concert
when gus died and boon was not happy about it
when boon finished a bottle of whisky coke in 15 seconds
when we went batting at the cages in ximending
other life
when i got a tattoo
when i forced meelo to wear this costume and she hated it
when i did exercise today and felt good about 'health' i suppose even though my legs are huge
here is the problem with low self-esteem. i don't know if it's something that develops after a traumatic incident, or it has to always be there. can you have high self-esteem and suddenly have a low one? if you have high self-esteem doesn't that imply that traumatic incidents would not affect you as traumatically? if you feel like you are a confident person, what do you think it takes to knock. you. down?
when you have low self-esteem i suppose what is beautiful
is having eyes on you -- doesn't matter what kind of eyes
eyes that are on your face, eyes that are on your breasts, on your ass
as long as they are on you,
when you have low self-esteem,
it seems beautiful
it makes you feel good because you thought you weren't worth anything
someone or something in the past told you that you were shit
and you weren't deserving of being looked at in the way you should be
(that is, eyes on your eyes)
so now, you accept whatever eyes you can get
and then
whatever smile
whatever line
whatever touch
whatever kiss
whatever
because it makes you feel good
because it makes you feel wanted
because it makes you feel worth something, even though that something
is not what you want to be worth
when in fact it should make you feel disgusted
it should make you feel angry
it should make you feel dirty
it should make you feel objectified and offended
because what you are worth is the ability
to reject the eyes that are resting on your cleavage
to be repelled by the eyes that travel down south
to pick and choose from all the eyes, the ones that look into your eyes only
and from that action
produce
a real smile
you see that comes when you have high self-esteem
the question is how do you get there
when you have low self-esteem i suppose what is beautiful
is having eyes on you -- doesn't matter what kind of eyes
eyes that are on your face, eyes that are on your breasts, on your ass
as long as they are on you,
when you have low self-esteem,
it seems beautiful
it makes you feel good because you thought you weren't worth anything
someone or something in the past told you that you were shit
and you weren't deserving of being looked at in the way you should be
(that is, eyes on your eyes)
so now, you accept whatever eyes you can get
and then
whatever smile
whatever line
whatever touch
whatever kiss
whatever
because it makes you feel good
because it makes you feel wanted
because it makes you feel worth something, even though that something
is not what you want to be worth
when in fact it should make you feel disgusted
it should make you feel angry
it should make you feel dirty
it should make you feel objectified and offended
because what you are worth is the ability
to reject the eyes that are resting on your cleavage
to be repelled by the eyes that travel down south
to pick and choose from all the eyes, the ones that look into your eyes only
and from that action
produce
a real smile
you see that comes when you have high self-esteem
the question is how do you get there
13.5.13
on monday afternoon at 3pm i finished my last exam paper. bert & i collaborated on the cheat sheet and made one side each. it was helpful, so i don't think i'm going to struggle to get my C after all. after that i went with bert to play L4D for awhile with her church friends which was fun because i haven't played in awhile. and then i rushed home to pack my suitcase and then said bye to my grandmother and then Gus's parents picked me up and we took a train to the airport and six hours later we were in taipei
this morning in taipei we ate mee sua for breakfast in ximending. we walked around ximending for awhile, for the last time. went to the batting cages that i love, strolled around the stalls. i recalled the night we saw a busker rapping in ximending square. i remember thinking he was very good and everyone gave him lots of money, Gus said because everyone knows he's good. i bought 'the pale king' by david foster wallace at eslite bookshop. we went home to pack up our things and then walked over to Boon's place. the hostel arranged a taxi for us and we fell asleep on the ride to the airport. ate mango shaved ice one last time at the airport and six hours later we were back home
feels like taipei didn't exist, like we didn't have a holiday, like we didn't go there. seems like a place that isn't real. like i can't believe that this morning i wasn't here but i was in a hostel in taipei eating mochi. feels like a dream, like how france felt like a dream, felt like nothing changed but a lot did. seems ridiculous that all the wonderful things i experienced are reduced to measly memories that can only exist in some metaphysical form in my mind. how did all those people, the food, the drinks, the places -- how did they all become nothing except the stimulation of some neurons in my brain? isn't that how all things are. they exist and then they don't. they exist only in the time that you exist within them. and that sucks
but just so this post has a point: taipei is a very, very nice city with very, very nice people. i can't emphasize how amazed i was at how courteous, friendly and helpful the taiwanese are. it beats even some european countries for me which is amazing for someone like me who has, for a very long time, (mistakenly) been dismissive of chinese culture and its places. but taipei was beautiful and even though i could hardly read anything (shameful), i felt proud to be a chinese when i was there. everyone should go if they have a chance
now i am going to watch greys anatomy although i'm dreading it because i know that arizona cheats on callie and i'm at a point where i'm sick and tired of hearing that this is a thing that happens all the damn time and that no one in this world is willing to give true love and faithfulness a shot anymore
this morning in taipei we ate mee sua for breakfast in ximending. we walked around ximending for awhile, for the last time. went to the batting cages that i love, strolled around the stalls. i recalled the night we saw a busker rapping in ximending square. i remember thinking he was very good and everyone gave him lots of money, Gus said because everyone knows he's good. i bought 'the pale king' by david foster wallace at eslite bookshop. we went home to pack up our things and then walked over to Boon's place. the hostel arranged a taxi for us and we fell asleep on the ride to the airport. ate mango shaved ice one last time at the airport and six hours later we were back home
feels like taipei didn't exist, like we didn't have a holiday, like we didn't go there. seems like a place that isn't real. like i can't believe that this morning i wasn't here but i was in a hostel in taipei eating mochi. feels like a dream, like how france felt like a dream, felt like nothing changed but a lot did. seems ridiculous that all the wonderful things i experienced are reduced to measly memories that can only exist in some metaphysical form in my mind. how did all those people, the food, the drinks, the places -- how did they all become nothing except the stimulation of some neurons in my brain? isn't that how all things are. they exist and then they don't. they exist only in the time that you exist within them. and that sucks
but just so this post has a point: taipei is a very, very nice city with very, very nice people. i can't emphasize how amazed i was at how courteous, friendly and helpful the taiwanese are. it beats even some european countries for me which is amazing for someone like me who has, for a very long time, (mistakenly) been dismissive of chinese culture and its places. but taipei was beautiful and even though i could hardly read anything (shameful), i felt proud to be a chinese when i was there. everyone should go if they have a chance
now i am going to watch greys anatomy although i'm dreading it because i know that arizona cheats on callie and i'm at a point where i'm sick and tired of hearing that this is a thing that happens all the damn time and that no one in this world is willing to give true love and faithfulness a shot anymore
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