1. Dinner I cooked for Gus last night. Sesame oil chicken, stir fried potatoes and minced pork, stir fried baby bok choy

2. After eating 3 pounds worth of lobster and a dozen oysters at Pappadeaux. We went home and did nothing after

3. Customized salad from Whole Foods. I love it so much. Mixed greens, tomatoes, broccoli, grilled chicken, corn, peas, baby corn, egg and sesame ginger dressing

Can't explain the dread that fills me when I think about school. Over the years I have come to see NUS as harbinger of all things bad in my life i.e. nothing substantially good has come from NUS. In a way I feel like NUS is just a microcosm of Singapore on the whole, in that it is a place where you simply do what you have to do because it is necessary to some bigger cause. Students also seem to just be school fees-paying beings that have gotten it into their heads that NUS is providing them a special service... what I mean is that I feel that NUS does not necessarily care about its students. I am touched by the odd staff or friends here and there who don't seem fixed into place by the system but on the whole as an institution NUS does not give me the impression that it is somewhere a student can have the best student life. I know I should not complain, but on the other hand I think many of us should. There's a million and one things NUS can improve on if only people speak up.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because it is bidding period and I got a grand total of 1 module. My gripe is that if I find out I'm losing my place in a level 4 module to a year 3 student and because of that they don't allow my appeal to go through, then they're really just insensitive dicks and I have half the mind to make a big deal. Because it is a big deal. In my last year of academic learning, they want to me to take sloppy seconds and leftover modules? Every priority in honours year should go to honours students. It's only logical.

I don't know if I am becoming a stronger person...

I read something that said, "A real woman with confidence is one who earns it from experience. One who falls, knows she can get up again and be alright."

At the end of the day, I think whether or not you find all this self-confidence stuff bullshit or lame, it's the one thing that will push you through every other thing that seems real and therefore 'worthy' (or 'artistic' -.-) i.e. sadness, suffering, evil, etc. Whether or not it is something 'worthy' I think finding your own self worth and being your own person is the only shield/guard you can have in those 'me against the world' moments that come all too often, and are often more severe than they look.

I find it so hard to commit to things. Simple things. Fitness routines, drinking more water, waking up early. I don't know why I have such an issue. You can push yourself through really taxing, difficult spur of the moment things, but find that you lack such strength when it comes to the small things. Funny.

Remembering a thing from A Wild Sheep's Chase by Murakami that I just finished (my first murakami haha).

"I guess I felt attached to my weakness. My pain and suffering too. Summer light, the smell of a breeze, the sound of cicadas -- if I like these things, why should I apologize." 

And I suppose that is all too often what is happening. We grow comfortable with being a blob without bones, slip sliding around doing things with minimal effort so we don't have to know that our best is not good enough. Comfort zones aren't really soft, cushion-y couches, are they? They're more like big shields.. houses that have everything you'll ever need. That contributes to how you see yourself as well. As mediocre because you've never given yourself the opportunity to prove yourself wrong. So ultimately going outside your comfort zone is a way to show yourself that you are better than you think, and if we are our own worst critics, improving your self-perception will enable you to not give a fuck about what others think anyway.

Hi I'm in Dallas, Texas in the U S of A the land that I swore I would never return to because of the torturous flight and also because I have irrational fears that I will be shot in this country. Luckily one of those things has not happened yet (that being I have not been shot thankfully) but torturous flight? Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Not only did the turbulence from Singapore to Tokyo scare the living shit out of me (I swear I could've shat right there and then) (think of the feeling of the plane simply dropping out of the sky -- TWICE, to the point where you were lifted clean off your seat and people around you are screaming. I thought I was going to die that very day. I really thought we were crashing, but thank Jesus that we didn't), the 9 hour flight from Tokyo to San Francisco did. not. have. TVs. It's a childish thing to complain about, but actually, no, it's not, because to sit there for 9 hours with nothing to do is one of the most painful experiences, although I would've taken that over scary as fuck turbulence any day. BUT STILL. And then in San Francisco I ran through customs like the kiasu asian that I am, only to see people I overtook picking up their bags before me at baggage claim. Because of that I missed my flight to Dallas, and had to take the next flight to Houston, and then to Dallas. I sat on four planes within 24 hours. I mean I only speak of all this because I find it such a ridiculous situation to have been in but yet, there I was. Because I'm special.

Nevertheless, thank God I'm in Dallas now with Gus and everything has been super duper. I eat so much I can almost hear the fats pledging their allegiance to my tummy and my thighs. I shop so much I go home and cry afterwards, and use the receipts to wipe my tears just because. I've almost died twice attempting to navigate American roads with a Nissan Pathfinder. I've hung out in a café with so many hipsters that I became the only hipster because being a hipster there was so mainstream if you know what I mean. We've gone bowling and drank american beer (... it's ok), gone to watch a movie in a movie theatre while eating chicken tenders and beef sliders, and bottomless strawberry lemonade.

All I have to show for my time here so far is this:

I managed to make waves in my hurrrrr and it holdsssss omg it's like a dream come true I have wanted this forever I look crazy but seriously I'm amazed thank u America this is what dreams are made of

So what I really hate is the future. I saw a quote which was, "I'm really scared of the future and at the same time I don't care" which I think it s a way of saying, the future is really scary so I'm not going to try to handle it because if I do I might fail, and not trying is better than failing. But in a way you can't not try because there are so many things that are worse than not trying. 

I've been trying to figure out what I really want to do and I think one thing I know is that I really like writing. I don't think I am very good but it is what I like. Even when I write essays which sometimes I really grow to loathe, I enjoy putting sentences together and verbalizing them and seeing how they sound. I like to re-read old essays and feel surprised at how the words have come together and feeling even more surprised that I was the one who did that. Sometimes I feel like I am so inadequate yet other times I feel like this is what I really want to do and this is what I know I can be good at and I think that is more than enough sometimes, to just know that there is something that makes you feel good and that you feel good about and to chase that until it becomes something that is just part of your identity so much so that whatever you do regarding it is something that adds meaning and value to your life 

I think I have decided some things that I will pursue, even things that may or may not be good in the short run, but are good in getting me to where I want to be. There are things I think I want to do and that I'd be good at. On the other hand these are things you just think and are things that you cannot be 100% sure of. Yet if you take the leap to find out it's like there's no turning back. People who know at 15 or 16 what it is that they love are very lucky. They spend those precious youth years developing and honing their talent. They build up portfolios that are impressive because you can just tell that it's something someone really loves, and you are all the more impressed by it because of that. 

In a way I suppose there is really no one you can trust except yourself and you have to trust yourself to figure out what you really want and not rely on other people to tell you, because people will always feed you bullshit whether it be because they are obliged or they have nothing to say or they have ill intentions. But at the end of the day you have to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself and know that that pulsing in your heart and that urging in your chest is what you should follow and is what you should chase. Things that make you feel like your life has a purpose, like you can do something good and contribute something substantial. I talked to a friend today about how she met these guys who were super successful and rich but had second wives and second families and lived these double lives that was just disgusting to hear honestly. I mean what else can drive home the point that money and society's perception of 'success' doesn't bring happiness? If you can't decide on your own values and live your life by them and know that you are being true to yourself by sticking to your convictions then really what are you except katy perry's plastic bag in the fucking wind 

Poor Meelo is getting old. I see the way she limps slowly up the stairs she used to conquer in 3 bounds, or the way her head won't even lift to look at you when you call her. Or how much she sleeps in a day... sad

Do you ever feel lost without that person you want to be with? Don't because you are your own compass and you can guide your own feet and you can find your own water and you can survive on your own regardless of who is by your side and I think that is what it means to be happy.

Today after coffee I was driving home and there was a jam on nicoll highway so half the time the car wasn't moving and I was just sitting there looking at other people stuck in their cars as well and people on the sidewalks and all. I'm not sure what it was exactly. I saw the people jogging and walking, huffing and puffing and being energetic. Then I looked at the people in cars and it was just husbands not talking to wives, iphones and silence, sad men in business shirts staring sadly out the windows of their BMWs... it was like these metal boxes were making everyone depressed and helpless and deflated. I thought it was really discouraging, this scene, so I forced myself to try to look on the positive side of things. Look at the sky and feel grateful. Feel happy looking at the people putting effort to run their kilometres. I saw a taxi uncle who parked his taxi on the side of the road, sitting in the passenger seat with the door open and his legs out the car, just staring at the construction of the new stadium at kallang. It loomed pretty big from the roadside. I looked at him for the longest time and he never moved, his neck arched and his head pointed up. I felt good when I saw this, that people can still feel amazed or in awe of certain things, natural or man-made.

When I went for coffee I walked into the cafe thinking, I love everyone here, although I probably don't, but it immediately put me in a better mood. It felt more peaceful, more amiable, more welcoming. I don't know. I wish love, like love in the most generic sense shone out of every pore of my body. I'm tired of feeling anger and hate and all these negative feelings that build up everyday or creep in from nowhere. And to say 'love' is such a complex thing. I think all I mean is to have good and caring feelings towards everyone and everything. Honestly I'm so tired of being dragged down by anger, unforgiveness... but it's the hardest thing sometimes to let go of your baggage because so much of yourself is in it. You don't believe that you'll actually be free.

Crucifixion before the Resurrection

Sick and tired of how I feel like I'm making progress, and then something happens that shows me I haven't really progressed at all. Why does change have to happen so incrementally? Why does change take 'dedication' and 'commitment' and other words from some vocabulary list of clichéd words. Nothing I can do but press on, I suppose. Discouragement is crippling, but we limp on anyway. Acknowledging that you feel a certain way but recognizing that acting on these feelings is not the right way to go is difficult. Don't you feel like a emotions vs reason battle is a one-sided fight? It's like my emotions have some inherent right to be expressed, like all the muscles in my body couldn't cage in my anger/pain. The longer it sits the worse it gets.

I want to live an effortless life. I don't think I mean I want a life where I can be lazy and hang out in my bed like a sloth in a tree. I mean that I want to live a life where it's easy to find joy in everything I do, such that nothing seems to require effort anymore. I don't know how people enjoy every moment of life, or live each moment to the fullest. How am I supposed to walk down the street and think, "Oh this concrete is so beautiful!" How???

I don't like the belief that intelligent people are sad people. Yes maybe Plath and Woolf killed themselves. Yes maybe Camus and Sartre and Locke or whoever understood the evil and cruel tendencies of human nature. Yes maybe Noam Chomsky is not the happiest man alive. Being intelligent and aware of the world around you, all its perfections and its (sometimes gargantuan) flaws should not discourage you. I think perhaps even more so you should learn to be happy with the good things when they do happen.

Is there really any difference between Sartre's rambling lamentation on the nauseous feeling of existence versus any 15 year old's life motto "I hate myself and everyone around me especially you mom"?

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm tired of these lulls I get in the days where all my hard work seems futile. Where it feels like I'm incapable of any change. I don't know.

...

i dyed my hair with blue streaks which faded to purple after they mixed with the red dye from before... i like it. one day i was out and my mom messaged me to say that i received flowers from Gus... came home to find this beautiful bouquet he had delivered to me for our 4th year anniversary, which surprised me a lot because he doesn't really ever care for flowers. i'm not sure if anniversaries should even really mean anything, but if it means getting such precious gifts & feeling loved like this then i'm all for it