today was a long day. I reached school at 11pm, printed 63 pages of notes and plowed through 30+ of them. more informed and knowledgeable now but still irrevocably fucked for tomorrow's midterm. have been struggling the past two days with two of the most painful ulcers I have ever gotten. they aren't even big but the pain they inflict is beyond anything I've ever experienced in my mouth [inappropriate joke here -.- get your minds out of the gutter]. I want to just man up and rub some salt on it but I'm honestly so scared. I might just gargle some salt water. or I can stop being a pussy and just rub some salt on it. I hate myself

also my bb is pissing me off so badly I want to hurl it into the depths of IT hell for failure to be utility-maximizing. the 'e' button has become touchscreen meaning I don't even have to press the button, just tapping it and e will appear. or rather, 'eeeeeEeeeEEeee' at the slightest touch. so often I'll just be sitting doing nothing and suddenly realize I've been dialing 2222222222222222222222222 DAMN YOU BB

Gus went for NUS soccer training today. I am happy for him I think he played well and will definitely make the team once he matriculates. he told me a funny story today about how a kid in his class wanted to get into choir so badly he asked Gus if he could practice at the back of the class during his lesson LOL

so I realized something. I have never experienced a real loss in my life before. friends have come and gone, people who drifted in and out. I have lost friends but I have never lost anyone that led me to being completely devastated. my paternal grandparents are alive and well. my maternal grandfather is dead but we were not close at all so I didn't even cry during the funeral. I think almost every member of the closer extended family is still alive and kicking. even my dog is almost 50 dog years and still doing well. I don't know loss.

and because of that I think I am so completely afraid of it. I am scared of losing anyone. everything that happens around the world just reminds me that 1. I am so, so blessed and 2. all of this could be taken away at any moment. so I really dread the moment when I encounter my first real loss, because I have never experienced it before I think I will be in a horrid state, even if I have been expecting it for awhile. it makes me anxious to think that, makes me want to sneak into my grandparents room and listen to them breathe. or follow my dad on his way to work to make sure he reaches there safely. or call Gus a million times on his way home to make sure he's alright.

I don't know how kids who have lost parents early in their life cope with these things. I admire them so, so much. I think there is a strength there that just comes and builds naturally that I will never acquire.

but yeah. I thank God that I'm fortunate this way. I think I should be happy with that and not ask for more.

recently I have been sleeping early. the effects on the energy throughout the next day is wondrous. I've never known such stamina in my life. I fell asleep re-reading The Little Prince. now I am going to try reading it in French.

it is such a lovely book

So the Eagles played a 3.5 hour set. 3.5 HOURS. THAT IS BLOODY LONG. I couldn't believe it when it was nearing 11pm (set started at 8pm) because WOW, talk about getting your money's worth (I AM LOOKING AT YOU MAROON FIVE) !!! Money super well spent, they really make every cent worth it. So damn pleased with how the night turned out. All my favourite songs made it onto the stage, and the night rounded off with Desperado, my most favourite.

No pictures. Brain still a bit fuzzy from the lights and the music. Talking about it now won't do it much justice, especially towards the end. One thing I will say is that I'm glad there were quite a few caucasians in the crowd. Because they really do liven the mood and soak up the atmosphere, something most Singaporeans never tend to do, although there is absolutely nothing wrong with standing up and dancing a little, waving your hands and screaming. So I'm glad there was that because it helped me to enjoy the concert even more than I already was.

When I get pictures I will revisit this. But so far, best concert I've ever been to. One of the best nights yet.

EAGLES. LIVE. TONIGHT. 

bursting out of my skin in excitement

I'm trying to summon strength. Any strength. And patience and appreciation and compassion. I'm tired of myself but I'm pretty much trapped. What do I do

Tomorrow I want to lock myself at bishan library and read my readings on public policy, as well as foreign policy and revise my French. Tomorrow will be awesome. Eagles at night, I'm super psyched, I think it will be a much needed boost and break from the monotony of life. It'll be good. Can't wait.

Libya is like Egypt x 1000. Mubarak looks like an angel beside Gaddafi. It's seriously some Hitler/Deng Xiao Ping shit going on right now. Up to 200 dead today, a 1 year old killed by a stray bullet, that's madness. Hiring foreign mercenaries??? God it's like going back to the 14th century or something. Primitive and barbaric. Internet down (standard), international phone calls down (but people have worked around it), denying access to foreign journalists. Listened to a very touching call that managed to connect with BBC. It was a doctor in Benghazi who was holed up somewhere trying to treat the stream of casualties resulting from the army attacks on the protestors. He was giving information, saying many of them had been shot in the chest, abdomen and several in the head. The reporter asked him if he was afraid for his safety, and he said "Yes I am definitely, but I am here to help because if not the people are not able to get to the hospitals." Unsung heroes of a revolution. The masses move as one unit but the individuals it is made up of are so brave, so courageous I can't even begin to imagine.

But another thing I was thinking a lot about today is: who can you trust? Is there really no such thing as objective reporting? Can we really trust reports coming out from CNN, BBC, etc? Foreign journalists aren't allowed in, right? Do they really have reliable sources? Not just about Libya, but about anything. I wish someone would tell me one good, independent and scrupulous news source that I can trust. I don't know what to trust! The press is always swayed by governmental pressures, power of ownership, interest in sensationalizing everything... many adults I speak to tell me that the news is bullshit, especially news on TV because the arrangements of their footage have subliminal messages, so I don't watch that for the most part. What about print? NY Times? IHT? The Economist? Didn't LKY sue their asses for slander? Honestly I'm not very sure. Is an independent news source even possible? My dad told me yesterday he read somewhere that Steve Jobs has 6 weeks to live. WTF?! Is that for real?! CAN I REALLY BELIEVE THAT

I'm going to think about all the factors and conditions that will be optimum for creating this elusive news source. If I don't find this treasure I will make it myself.