wasted the day away doing anything but studying... last night i drew a pretty map of southeast asia and managed to convince myself that that was studying. on the other hand i do remember precisely the shapes, sizes and locations of every southeast asian nation, plus their capitals. on the other other hand, there are only 11.

after gus left today i had even less motivation to study.. least of all french. it is so hard to get into it because its pure memorization. what is female what is male where does this pronoun go, before or after this and that article, bla bla bla... i love it but the tests really kill me

going to entertain the idea that sleeping little is perfectly alright as long as i down a can of ice coffee in the morning on an empty stomach. i think it works!!! gus and i have found a new studying haven. i drink coffee there with three packs of sugar and creamer. i still love milo, but milo is not going to help me pass my midterms at all. 


i will save milo for days where i don't have to have bloodshot eyes trying to desperately keep open and a mind so fatigued all it wants is to receive images of a blank wall... i dream of languorous days like in Bintan, which i haven't blogged about, but it was really great, and i had tons of fun. for some reason my computer has reformatted to underline, in red, almost every single word indicating it has a grammatical or spelling error. i spent five minutes looking at "languorous". i don't think i've suddenly lost the capacity to spell or construct sentences though... or have i

before the lids of my eyes force themselves shut i must remember a beautiful stanza from a poem we had to do in french today,

je marcherai les yeux fixés sur mes pensées
sans rien voir au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,
seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées
triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit

difficult to translate so i will leave it, but it is from the poem 'dés l'aube' by victor hugo, and it is about the sadness he feels from the death of his daughter. so. i like it a lot.

okay so i just found an exchange programme that blew sep right out of the water. it's the semester at sea programme. the thing is, i heard of it way back in year 1. but i kept thinking, lame, they're gonna take a ship to india or some crap like that. BUT NO. wow wow wow it's hard to believe how much stuff you get to do!

the spring 2012 voyage sounds AMAZING, i'm really, really considering it. look at the places you get to go!

bahamas, cuba, brazil, ghana, south africa, mauritius, india, vietnam, china, japan, hawaii, USA.

THE BEST PART? right in between all that, right after mauritius? SINGAPORE. you freaking get to visit home right when homesickness might be killing you and you could really use a dose of familiarity. and you freaking travel everywhere on a SHIP, on a fucking ship ok? you have lessons on the damn ship, with teachers from MIT and columbia and whatever the hell.

honestly i can't even imagine thinking about going on SEP anymore if it wasn't for the cost. it's a little steep.. ok it's very steep. but if you can afford it/can get financial aid i think it's definitely worth it!!! it sounds so amazing. plus you have to do field expeditions, coursework, social learning and community service... sigh *dreamy eyes* it really sounds perfect. plus it's rolling applications so i don't have to rush and get all flustered like thousands of NUS students no doubt are as of tomorrow. so happy i decided to look into this programme further :) i feel quite relieved now for some reason

"Everything Is Going To Be All Right"
Derek Mahon

How should I not be glad to contemplate
the clouds clearing beyond the dormer window
and a high tide reflected on the ceiling?
There will be dying, there will be dying,
but there is no need to go into that.
The poems flow from the hand unbidden
and the hidden source is the watchful heart.
The sun rises in spite of everything
and the far cities are beautiful and bright.
I lie here in a riot of sunlight
watching the day break and the clouds flying.
Everything is going to be all right.

as the days go by i am reminded of my intellectual ineptitude. what is fucking new. i'm damn angsty because of this i know but also i don't really care that i'm angsty because i feel like if i don't get it out i am not going to be able to complete this stupid essay. this is even harder than the essay i did on neocorporatism when i understood jack shit, this time i understand most things but it's still so mofo hard. i don't know if it's because i am setting high expectations of myself for this essay or because it's just difficult in general but i am really struggling. 

we're heading to bintan on wednesday till friday and i didn't intend to study at all, but the situation now looks as if i'll have to over there... which is retarded... sun, sand and readings. great! FUCK FUCK FUCK 

reading through sample papers thinking, there is no way i'm ever going to produce an essay as stellar as this. i can't foresee myself coming up with such thoughts and ideas, moreover articulating them so coherently. fuck. fucking wave goodbye to an A+. plus southeast asian midterm, and french test and french oral test and have not even started on GEK. well fucking done ugh

in the car home, my brain was assuaged with countless thoughts, none of which had to do with schoolwork, the first of which was 'this is ridiculous.'

ridiculous that i should take the syllables that roll off my tongue and hang them up on a line in a dark room. do the same for yours and wait for the results. why do i need to see if you are better than me. why do i have to scramble and dig for my "achievements", sum up the total and make a table with two columns, 'you', 'me'. why. why does it matter.

should i feel shitty about myself because i didn't get straight As for a levels? or that i'm in FASS and you are in oxford or yale or some shit like that? or that you are 170cm with legs to die for but my thighs jiggle when i walk? must i? i feel obligated to to remind myself of these 'failures' but i don't know who is obligating me.

need to escape this, this, this. society or social construct. every time with one hand on the rung, you are already ten rungs above. i don't give a fuck about grades.. merely going through the motions of study simply to appease that goddamn singaporean in me. if i did not know or understand the practice of labeling, i would not know that people could be labeled. and if i did not know then perhaps i would be someone vastly different than i am today.. everyone would. wish that suddenly my vision would blur and become clear to a whole different world but still the same. la même chose. 


otherwise yesterday we watched watchmen and the sex scene was so off-putting that i keep thinking about it. it was also really awkward because we watched it with Gus's mom we ended up fast-forwarding that bit