Hi guys you know how my parents always say 'God bless Siyi with unmerited favor and grace' something along those lines, they prayed that for me before I got on the plane and I can't believe God really came through with this. I got upgraded to business class because I was a little late to the gate! Jan & I had to separate but I e-mailed my mom immediately to tell her this crazy news. I think it's crazy. I've never flown business class before. I wish Jan was here.

O right there's internet here. 40,000 feet in the air. Ya so I'm on the plane now. In the air. En route to Amsterdam. Is this craSyy...??

Leaving was a real pain though. I hugged my mom for ages and she hugged me back for ages, and I hugged my dad and my sister and then I hugged Gus for really long and my mucus and tears got on everyone's clothes... Gus wrote me a letter and I read it on the plane and made really disgusting, loud, mucus-y noises and the guy beside me was like wtf... it was embarrassing

But also I quickly went on facebook to talk to Gus and I said, Guess where I am! And he said, SINGAPORE?!?! And I felt like a stab in my chest and I thought about him earnestly and felt sad again. But I hope everything will be ok. I know it will be I'm just freaking myself out

Dubai was alright I took like 1.5 hours to find Jan haha and it was so crowded... I think burger king cheated me of my money or something sigh. But it's all good. Once we reach Amsterdam we'll get our prepaid cards, then hop on a train to Maastricht then take a cab to a house that may or may not have beds... Life experiences??? Bedless houses??? Hahahaha

Can't believe I really left Singapore and am now on the way to Europe for 5 months. But if the first day has been any indication, I know God is taking care of me and that gives me more comfort than anything else could. Which is comforting

Space-time becomes curved when there is the presence of a large body of matter in it. What is going straight in the fourth-dimension seems to be curved in our observable three-dimensional world. Which is how I feel. Leaving is a large body of matter and I feel warped and curved out of convention, like my ribs are being pulled in the opposite direction from my shoulders and my legs. Similarly I know it is a 'straight' path -- there is nothing difficult about what I am doing. But the weight of my emotions is given by the mass of them together with the force of gravity that acts on them, which is the force that is pulling me towards you always, all the time. It is heavy, and my shoulders ache, a pain that travels to my chest and manifests itself in sluggish walking and a tear or two at 3am.

Two more days and I'm feeling like this cannot be

Sometimes certain people live a huge paradox: they live as if all they can see is themselves, which ironically, leads them to never really seeing what huge toolbags they are. Weird.

Been watching Suits which is a show about successful people and it makes me want to be successful too but then I watch Community which is a show about failures and I feel like I'll be okay as long as I develop some comedic skills I think

I have an aversion to the type of youths/people my age who are over-motivated, it literally sickens me. Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe I just really hate that they're spoiling the market for bags of lard like me. Maybe it's Maybelline but probably not

I leave in a week and I feel desperate

earlier we played some drinking games and we had to take turns to say words that rhymed and the word was "blue" and then came "clue" and then kyle said "tool" and i wanted to spit the beer out of my mouth

i requested gus for a week long stayover before i leave but he is adamant that his parents will object which i feel is an appropriate response. i'm just sad because we've been having sleepovers (his ankle needs a lot of care and he can't really get that at home because his parents are out at work so he's all alone) and it's been super fun. at night we lie in bed and look at pictures of hot people or watch korean variety shows or watch him get fussy about what pillow he needs to sleep on and in the middle of the night i have to turn his head to stop his snoring. in the morning we wake up and eat lunch in bed because he can't move and worry about wasting aircon and i play the guitar and sing songs for him sometimes, while he nods and smiles fake smiles of appreciation

i want to eat up stars and swallow stardust and become shiny all over like a neil gaiman character

comics i would recommend:

archie comics

haha

my hair is in a bad place

the other night something hit me and i felt breathless and an aching in my body but it was all emotional. i couldn't decide then that i would prefer emotional over physical pain. it's difficult to say. sometimes physical pain makes me very emotional, to the point of suicidal, i keep feeling like i'd rather die than bear with this pain any longer (which is exactly what i told the doctor 'please help me i feel like killing myself' no joke), but emotional pain also makes me feel like there's no point in carrying on anymore is there, everything looks so bleak like nothing is going to work out

at that point i also realized that i think i'm a very weak person, like if i had cancer or some sort of other semi-curable but painful illness that i'd ask to be euthanized, that i can't bear pain of any sort. that night i couldn't sleep because my mind was racing and the tears were falling and i desperately tried to watch a million youtube videos but it only helped like ~10% & i fell asleep exhausted.

what i've been feeling lately is that i have no control over anything, especially not my body which i realized can now do things despite my apparent 'free will' to do whatever i want. i've never really thought seriously about how your own body is capable of performing actions that hurt you and it kinda sucks that it can. then after that emotional night i also realized i have no control over that either. all i did was think about one little thing and the floodgates just opened like a bitch and there was no stopping anything no matter how many tissues i used to soak up the blood or mops to wipe the floor. the water was everywhere and i couldn't stop it

another thing gus & i talked about is how did cavemen deal with illness, e.g. sprained ankles, broken bones. i said, did cavemen get cancer which is something i will research now:

But despite the looming danger of a grizzly hunting bear, and the responsibility of catching and killing the family roast - in paleolithic times, cancer did not exist. Heart disease, diabetes, osteoporosis… – all of these degenerative illnesses which are wiping us out… they were unheard of. 

These people lived like humans should. They would run around all day, hunting and gathering food, which was all fresh, organic, NATURAL – the way perfect nutrition should be… 

The paleolithic diet consisted of meat, fish, eggs, vegetables, nuts, seeds and berries. Simple. And most effective.

via a website called 'foodfairynutrition'

well that's quite alright isn't it? no diseases at all, only the risk of hypothermia or beasts of nature ripping you to shreds... but if you were a woman you just sat at home and drew on the walls didn't you? and not even because of social pressure but it's just the way it was, wasn't it? the men went out to hunt but they sure didn't come home and say to their women 'i hunt because YOU CAN'T' but they were just chill about it and not at all lourding their superior hunting skills over their female counterparts like men do nowadays. in fact being a cavewoman sounds quite wonderful, aside from giving birth without medical aid but it seems they got on alright

should i go on a paleolithic diet then?

Oh ya Gus & I went to that 'French' restaurant at the back of serene center, which really serves Italian food but has signs that say 'bonjour' everywhere to eat the other day because it has really good reviews on hungrygowhere (an online community that I often feel skeptical about -- I feel skeptical about people who feel the need to write really long reviews on hgw, especially when the food is average -- good scale) and the chef was a French guy

and he had a full on twisted moustache and Gus said that he looks like he came right out of Ratatouille. He was also big and round and jolly which I found strange based on my pre-conceived notions of the French being largely an un-jolly sort of people (like Jamaicans are jolly are they not) but a pleasant surprise all in all. He sat at a table and almost yelled 'bonjour' to everyone who walked past including a young Singaporean man who responded "hnnngggz" in his confusion, but he also yelled "au revoir" like the second after they passed, like "hello...goodbye" within 3 seconds, I thought so many people were confused at this large white man yelling shit at them but it was funny

I said I am going to France soon and he told Gus "be careful becauz I know ze French boiz and zey are verrry nozy". If I think about it now it doesn't make much sense, because so what if they are nosy, at the end of the day they might know details like when did I stop growing and why does my sister always feel stressed at school but they might never flirt with me so what does Gus have to be careful of. But I appreciated the man's jolly concern, I feel it was one of the more stable conversations I've had with adult foreigners which is a department in which I struggle constantly.

Yeah well this blog is called binge blogging for a reason

When Meelo is sleeping in my room I notice she always starts wheezing or making sounds that sounds like WORMMPHHGHH and her legs move in a way that would be ungraceful on a female but I guess not on a bitch. Gus told me she has nightmares sometimes which I find incredible, I mean what do dogs even dream about??? and what dream could be so bad for a dog???

1) Meelo dreams that she has been chasing after beef jerky for a million miles but my mother simply will not give it to her and she is at the point where her legs are tired but she dedicatedly drags herself on and involuntarily makes WORMMPHGHHGHH noises

2) Meelo dreams of a thunderstorm (she is scared of those)

3) Meelo dreams of ........ ???

I find it hard to come up with anymore scenarios because her life through my eyes has been over-simplified to being afraid of water falling from the sky accompanied by loud noises and being hungry. I always hope one of the machines our human race will one day design is a machine that can read/translate dog's thoughts/memories. It will be incredible and solve all the world's problems (or completely exacerbate them) because if you think about many important people in the world they all own dogs

Eg. the Queen has corgis
Kennedy or Reagan or somebody had a Meelo
That evil guy in Up had a whole pack of dogs

And fucking Marley, of course

So the machine would translate all of dogs's inner thoughts and memories and literally ALL of the world's secrets would be exposed to mankind. Although I think I would be quite afraid... the things I've let Meelo see me do is a list that God could probably borrow for judgment day. Bad joke. But the things do include a completely unrestrictive chocolate and chips binging session in bed watching lousy sitcoms, crumbs falling everywhere, including onto Meelo, or Gus & I planting fake cockroaches everywhere in the house to scare people (except not my maid who manhandled that plastic cockroach like a friggin BOSS), or scratching my butt and farting

I wish meelo wouldn't be scared and have nightmares though, dogs are supposed to be happy ALL the time, no exceptions. I'm sure animals don't have that human tendency to be upset when they expected some 'space' or some 'time alone' to 'reflect' or 'grow', so my expectations of happy dogs 24/7 shouldn't be alarming or anything right