I thought this would be harder. Something seems out of place but it hasn't materialised. I think this means, me and you, you and I, we're better than we thought. I feel shame for thinking this was not possible.

As Seneca recommends, I am learning to linger in my own company.

Marty told me a theory as to why democracy simply does not work. I remember it now because I thought it was extremely plausible. He said somebody proposed that the maximum number of people that we can give a shit about is limited to 150. That is, only 150 people that you know are worth you giving them the time of day, from as little as a cursory thought to heavy emotional investment. Everybody beyond 150 is simply your environment, your circumstance, your burden of nature. And you will not give a shit about any of these people if you were asked to.

That is why democracy does not work, because people, you and I, our involuntary essence erodes the core values needed for democracy to 'flourish'. I hate when people say democracy 'flourished', they make it sound like it's something good but it's not. If you think about it, almost every 'democracy' in the world will have an article in the newspapers that says something along the lines of 'but the government is so ___ that we might as well be a dictatorship'

We're not even good at pretending as if we're democratic
I wonder what Jesus thinks of democracy

Nowadays I feel as if I can reduce 150 to 10.

People scream, I hate living with my parents/being with my parents, I want my freedom, I want to DO WHAT I WANT! And then they move out and go right on to do what everybody else wants

Things I really want to do, in no particular order:

- not go to school
- lie in bed
- touch Gus's tummy because it looks like he's losing weight

Some things cannot be procrastinated. Things happen and in retrospect they take on a new light, except sometimes the light dawns before you've stepped out the door. That is how I feel about Paris this time around, how I can feel a warmth expanding in my fingertips when I think about the past two days. It feels like somebody has punched my chest and left it bruised and longing. When I saw the Eiffel Tower flicker to life I thought about how much you've changed and how much I'm changing. The tower itself has morphed into something symbolic, emerged from the banality of tourist cliches with a sheen of metaphorics, a starship I have hitched my wagon to. I mean that I will always remember this time, roaming the streets and loving the people. Napoleon lifted the lid and offered me relief, comfort, joy on a silver platter. On the steps of Sacre Coeur I realised my naivety.

I wonder if birds enjoy the view.

Annecy, France
29th September 2012

me: yeah in two weeks they have a festival called "Retour de l'Alpes" where the cows and sheep and all the animals come back from the mountains for winter, so they're paraded through the city center
gus: oh really? but how do they know
me: know what? they have it every year
gus: but how do the animals know to walk to the city

laughed for 10 minutes or so

gus: yeah during the concert (big bang) lu's friend was in the standing area, and GD was singing right in front of her, and she shouted "GD FUCK ME! FUCK ME!"

laughed for 20 minutes

korean/french friend: sorry we cannot cook ddeokbokki tonight, i will be going to a dance lesson of rock !

in annecy we visited a contemporary art museum and there was a pile of sand on the floor.
it is a lovely place and it would be so perfect to go back in summer.
honestly thinking about it honestly it would look so so good minus the clouds and drizzle and plus beaucoup, beaucoup de ensolleile

i have been wanting to take all this time to read as many books as i can, but everytime i want to reach for my kindle, i feel guilty and reach for my french book instead. when my parents come in december i want to impress them and make them feel like their money has not been wasted.

on friday i will take a train to paris and meet Bert, which makes me happy, thinking about it. while i love meeting new people from all over hte world, there is a special delight reserved in indulging in a little Singaporean flavour in the form of another Singaporean who can understand and share my humour, & who is literally a little slice of home in an otherwise unfamiliar place. am excited thinking about it. we are going to disneyland.

wanted to go to a club tonight but the queue was so long that we just left
we followed the germans to an irish pub and they spoke german all the time
we talked about some things and it was fun
marty called a taxi for me and waited with me which was really really nice of him
while we were waiting, lots of french people spoke to us
which is really friendly of them, i don't know if it is something specific to Southern French
but lots of french people have been really friendly to me so i really like that

if i think about it i have met and talked to so many people even if i don't really have anyone
to specifically hang out with
for that i think i should be grateful enough
most of the time i just feel bad about my bad french
but today in french class madam rocca said i did a good job, and i felt better
i think she said maybe i shouldn't change classes which was a huge boost to my confidence
i still have a ways to go but i am grateful for today generally

except for certain weird things & that i didn't get to skype with gus
i miss him so much sometimes it really hurts
& i can't figure out why my mobile costs so much to message it's driving me crazy

from now on, before anything, i will ask myself, is this what you really want to do, and if the answer is yes, i will do it, no exceptions, and if the answer is no, i will walk away without looking back

so long as it does not hurt other people, NOT what other people think. i want to be done with that bullshit.

today i went down to the maison de la montagne 
got a couple of maps and some advice
went to gosport to buy some shoes and a backpack
and now i'm all ready for hiking tomorrow, of which i am excited
because i will be going alone and i hope it will be awesome

tonight i just wish so badly that if i reached out
my skin could touch Gus's skin, or his hair, or his teeth
and it wouldn't be a dream

some nights i think i am alright alone
other nights, like tonight, i realize i'm not
but then the immediate next thought is,
well, you just have to be

and that's how i'm approaching everything
the strongest and the survivors are the ones most adaptable to change
is that charles darwin? disproving common misconceptions of the survival of the fittest theory