always messing things up
don't understand what self-control is

came to brighton to be alone and feel in control of things
doing things on my own and whatnot
now the only sensation i feel is an urge to throw myself off brighton pier

i love you but it's hard when the sky always looks different for each of us
i hope you love me too and you understand
it wasn't right
please don't ever run to anyone else for help but me
i promise i have the best arms even if they're the ones that made you cry
they're sorry

i'm sorry

thank goodness for sleeping pills

last night i went to a halloween party with alex, kim, hyun & the korean girls except it was in the basement of our residence and they served pumpkin soup that tasted like water and burnt potato cubes, but it was 2 euros each which i guess was worth the 3 bottles of soda we finished amongst ourselves, and the excessive stashes of haribo we grabbed by the handful when leaving

in hyun's room we drank until i felt sleepy, and we talked about cultural differences in the club. eun yeong is so funny she likes to mix english and french into one sentence, and it cracks me up so bad. alex said 'carly rae jepsen is so pretty' and eun yeong said, 'no? she's just a femme' (she's just a girl) and the other night she shouted, 'please help me i have to do my devoirs!' (i have to do my homework) kim was sick and eating strepsils which is better than kim being drunk i think

i thought about saying bye to them and their french accents when i leave and felt sad. they asked me to a party on thursday but i will be in london which is the first time i wished maybe i wasn't going to london

it didn't last very long, nowadays all i think about is london

but today i was lonely again

i am taking off wednesday morning, 5 hours in geneva & 2 days in london all to myself
think i am meeting rachel sometime then
jamie & nut until monday
eve sometime in between
then brighton alone
then geneva & interlaken with kat where we will soar above mountains like birds

things are bright and getting brighter

i think i'm ok because i try not to think about it, try not to think about the emptiness at the end of my fingers or the gigantic hole in my stomach or my blue-black heart or the way my feet drag ever so slightly, or how crunchy leaves don't crunch under my boots and the cold pierces my clothes more than it should. but if there is even a lapse in my conscious effort to forget it then the void widens like a growing sinkhole and suddenly there's only the floor for me to hug, how much i miss you is the amount of extra hours i spend sleeping because i don't want to experience missing you, at least in my dreams we can touch

'a person who sleeps a lot is very lonely'

i sleep so much nowadays

it's silly but it's real

my home is in your bones

which part of me is supposed to grow? my static state is growing bigger than my body. i feel like soon i will lose all physical shape and become simply a directionless, aimless, static aura that scares people away

just thought about the time gus & i were skyping and a man in the corridor burped so loudly that gus heard it

'on the horizon':
london
brighton
geneva
interlaken
bruges
edinburgh
lisbon??? maybe
family
gus
gus
gus

if all goes well, november & december x

Retour des Alpages 2012
Annecy, France

about 15 St Bernards, so many ducks, sheep, cows who tried to hump each other while marching in the parade, folk groups in costume, food, food, food... had such a great time at the festival, the weather was beautiful by the end of it and we sat by the lake happy. a clown made me take a picture with him and somebody else made us taste some liquor that was really disgusting. ate raclette in the windy cold. dangled our feet over the water and enjoyed the view.

thank you Annecy for a beautiful day, one of my favourites on exchange so far

cycled home at 12.30am (it's not even that late)
the wind was blowing my face and my hands were frozen stuck to the handles
the wine i drank earlier was not keeping me warm anymore
don't really fancy it. reckon i might just give up going out late altogether

i am looking forward to sunday i think
hopefully i get to go see the big engineering schools' dance-off

booked my tickets for harry potter studio tour with james
excited
saving all my shopping money for uniqlo in london

heading to Annecy again tomorrow for Retour des Alpages 2012
i really just want to see the St Bernards
take some pictures for gus, some really nice ones, that's what i want

often i sit at a table and stare and try to be quiet. i think there is supposed to be a voice that will tell me something useful, tell me something about myself, what i want in life or what i should do, but i just keep staring, staring at stationery on the table, a water bottle, staring at my laptop. i sit like this for an hour and a million thoughts have bullet sped through my mind but none of them tell me anything useful, and i still sit here. this physical scene is quite an accurate description of my life i think, i find that i sit and stare at the world, tearing up from the dust and smoke it leaves behind, but i still sit here, like on a curb, waiting for something, a car, to pick me up or knock me dead

someone tell me that some people are still worth investing something in even if it seems as if their owners have taken a trip out dilapidated doors for an indefinite period of time, even if there's no meat to scrape from the shells, even if their eyes are constantly dull and half-asleep and their mouths get smaller and smaller everyday from lack of use. someone say that it's ok to be like that, just for awhile, or maybe more than awhile