this blog is dying

i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'

things i have thought:

people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.

i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.

i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?

i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'

SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY

that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?

sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.

but it has to end.

here are some things i have written elsewhere:

had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen

never realized how many songs on the radio were songs that were like… ‘this is my life’ and ‘i’ll do what i want’ and ‘nobody can hold me down’. never realized how encouraging it is to hear things like that when you don’t expect it even if it’s coming from people who are super famous and successful.. really liking ‘roar’ by katy perry right now. i like that she calls herself a ‘champion’ it has a feel that is like i am ‘great’ and ‘unbeatable’ and ‘i will fucking vanquish all of you’…i like it i like being respected 

think my face looks not bad today but could have chosen better clothes for my body

hate that i am superficial like this, wish i didn’t care but i do care ~ 80% of the time 

i got sick of ‘safe & sound’ by capital cities faster than i thought i would

i am so tired and i didn’t even do anything today except wake up and drink coffee 

seems strange that we can feel/have things but simultaneously hide it from ourselves. if i was just totally honest with whatever i feel all the time and not feel ashamed for feeling them what would happen 

It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.

pictures from within the past week

studied at the table in the living room everyday for the whole of e-learning week but achieved asymmetric results due to 'studying' consisting of tumblr, shows, naps...

headed down to school at 8am on a saturday to play soccer for the inter faculty games. most fun i've had in all my time at NUS. makes me regret that i didn't do something sooner. i wish somebody told me, although i have a feeling even if someone did i would've been stubborn and rationalized with myself how stupid school activities are. to be fair there are some motherfucking dumb things that NUS offers as 'activities' but there are also other things that, if you find the right people, more than make up for it. am glad i got to play soccer with that team of girls. we made it all the way to the finals and won it for arts. i'm glad i have that t-shirt not because i'm proud to be in arts or to be in NUS but because i'm proud to have played with that team and am proud to have seen something to its end (and did not quit) and am proud to have contributed properly (actually scored goals)

got so super burnt. i was as red as a tomato on the first day. four days later (today) my skin is peeling really badly. i haven't reached the stage where flakes just permanently drizzle around me like a light dermatological shower, but i've definitely reached the stage where i don't want to look in the mirror anymore. it doesn't bother me when i can't see it, you see, even though i know it's there

also pictures from mystique, which is wanyi's DSA fundraising gala dinner at shangri-la. that was so much fun. mystique is one of the best nights of the year. always no regrets going. decent 7 course dinner as well, this time! twas a really, really good day

since that day have been going through some ups and downs.. the downs coming a little more unexpected but i'm rolling with the punches... i tell myself phrases like 'ain't nothing gonna get me down' and things like that to cope and bear with any pain that decides to surprise me. told ashley just the other day, whenever i'm down, i just tell myself 'this is just one of your down days. be patient and soon you'll be up again. it'll be over. just be patient. it'll be over.' that's how i get through things, if anyone needs to know -- know that your down days are unavoidable but just like every day tomorrow comes and one day it won't be a down day anymore. look forward to that <3

some of my favourite joke tweets

1. Dinner I cooked for Gus last night. Sesame oil chicken, stir fried potatoes and minced pork, stir fried baby bok choy

2. After eating 3 pounds worth of lobster and a dozen oysters at Pappadeaux. We went home and did nothing after

3. Customized salad from Whole Foods. I love it so much. Mixed greens, tomatoes, broccoli, grilled chicken, corn, peas, baby corn, egg and sesame ginger dressing

Can't explain the dread that fills me when I think about school. Over the years I have come to see NUS as harbinger of all things bad in my life i.e. nothing substantially good has come from NUS. In a way I feel like NUS is just a microcosm of Singapore on the whole, in that it is a place where you simply do what you have to do because it is necessary to some bigger cause. Students also seem to just be school fees-paying beings that have gotten it into their heads that NUS is providing them a special service... what I mean is that I feel that NUS does not necessarily care about its students. I am touched by the odd staff or friends here and there who don't seem fixed into place by the system but on the whole as an institution NUS does not give me the impression that it is somewhere a student can have the best student life. I know I should not complain, but on the other hand I think many of us should. There's a million and one things NUS can improve on if only people speak up.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because it is bidding period and I got a grand total of 1 module. My gripe is that if I find out I'm losing my place in a level 4 module to a year 3 student and because of that they don't allow my appeal to go through, then they're really just insensitive dicks and I have half the mind to make a big deal. Because it is a big deal. In my last year of academic learning, they want to me to take sloppy seconds and leftover modules? Every priority in honours year should go to honours students. It's only logical.

I don't know if I am becoming a stronger person...

I read something that said, "A real woman with confidence is one who earns it from experience. One who falls, knows she can get up again and be alright."

At the end of the day, I think whether or not you find all this self-confidence stuff bullshit or lame, it's the one thing that will push you through every other thing that seems real and therefore 'worthy' (or 'artistic' -.-) i.e. sadness, suffering, evil, etc. Whether or not it is something 'worthy' I think finding your own self worth and being your own person is the only shield/guard you can have in those 'me against the world' moments that come all too often, and are often more severe than they look.

I find it so hard to commit to things. Simple things. Fitness routines, drinking more water, waking up early. I don't know why I have such an issue. You can push yourself through really taxing, difficult spur of the moment things, but find that you lack such strength when it comes to the small things. Funny.

Remembering a thing from A Wild Sheep's Chase by Murakami that I just finished (my first murakami haha).

"I guess I felt attached to my weakness. My pain and suffering too. Summer light, the smell of a breeze, the sound of cicadas -- if I like these things, why should I apologize." 

And I suppose that is all too often what is happening. We grow comfortable with being a blob without bones, slip sliding around doing things with minimal effort so we don't have to know that our best is not good enough. Comfort zones aren't really soft, cushion-y couches, are they? They're more like big shields.. houses that have everything you'll ever need. That contributes to how you see yourself as well. As mediocre because you've never given yourself the opportunity to prove yourself wrong. So ultimately going outside your comfort zone is a way to show yourself that you are better than you think, and if we are our own worst critics, improving your self-perception will enable you to not give a fuck about what others think anyway.

Hi I'm in Dallas, Texas in the U S of A the land that I swore I would never return to because of the torturous flight and also because I have irrational fears that I will be shot in this country. Luckily one of those things has not happened yet (that being I have not been shot thankfully) but torturous flight? Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Not only did the turbulence from Singapore to Tokyo scare the living shit out of me (I swear I could've shat right there and then) (think of the feeling of the plane simply dropping out of the sky -- TWICE, to the point where you were lifted clean off your seat and people around you are screaming. I thought I was going to die that very day. I really thought we were crashing, but thank Jesus that we didn't), the 9 hour flight from Tokyo to San Francisco did. not. have. TVs. It's a childish thing to complain about, but actually, no, it's not, because to sit there for 9 hours with nothing to do is one of the most painful experiences, although I would've taken that over scary as fuck turbulence any day. BUT STILL. And then in San Francisco I ran through customs like the kiasu asian that I am, only to see people I overtook picking up their bags before me at baggage claim. Because of that I missed my flight to Dallas, and had to take the next flight to Houston, and then to Dallas. I sat on four planes within 24 hours. I mean I only speak of all this because I find it such a ridiculous situation to have been in but yet, there I was. Because I'm special.

Nevertheless, thank God I'm in Dallas now with Gus and everything has been super duper. I eat so much I can almost hear the fats pledging their allegiance to my tummy and my thighs. I shop so much I go home and cry afterwards, and use the receipts to wipe my tears just because. I've almost died twice attempting to navigate American roads with a Nissan Pathfinder. I've hung out in a café with so many hipsters that I became the only hipster because being a hipster there was so mainstream if you know what I mean. We've gone bowling and drank american beer (... it's ok), gone to watch a movie in a movie theatre while eating chicken tenders and beef sliders, and bottomless strawberry lemonade.

All I have to show for my time here so far is this:

I managed to make waves in my hurrrrr and it holdsssss omg it's like a dream come true I have wanted this forever I look crazy but seriously I'm amazed thank u America this is what dreams are made of

So what I really hate is the future. I saw a quote which was, "I'm really scared of the future and at the same time I don't care" which I think it s a way of saying, the future is really scary so I'm not going to try to handle it because if I do I might fail, and not trying is better than failing. But in a way you can't not try because there are so many things that are worse than not trying. 

I've been trying to figure out what I really want to do and I think one thing I know is that I really like writing. I don't think I am very good but it is what I like. Even when I write essays which sometimes I really grow to loathe, I enjoy putting sentences together and verbalizing them and seeing how they sound. I like to re-read old essays and feel surprised at how the words have come together and feeling even more surprised that I was the one who did that. Sometimes I feel like I am so inadequate yet other times I feel like this is what I really want to do and this is what I know I can be good at and I think that is more than enough sometimes, to just know that there is something that makes you feel good and that you feel good about and to chase that until it becomes something that is just part of your identity so much so that whatever you do regarding it is something that adds meaning and value to your life 

I think I have decided some things that I will pursue, even things that may or may not be good in the short run, but are good in getting me to where I want to be. There are things I think I want to do and that I'd be good at. On the other hand these are things you just think and are things that you cannot be 100% sure of. Yet if you take the leap to find out it's like there's no turning back. People who know at 15 or 16 what it is that they love are very lucky. They spend those precious youth years developing and honing their talent. They build up portfolios that are impressive because you can just tell that it's something someone really loves, and you are all the more impressed by it because of that. 

In a way I suppose there is really no one you can trust except yourself and you have to trust yourself to figure out what you really want and not rely on other people to tell you, because people will always feed you bullshit whether it be because they are obliged or they have nothing to say or they have ill intentions. But at the end of the day you have to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself and know that that pulsing in your heart and that urging in your chest is what you should follow and is what you should chase. Things that make you feel like your life has a purpose, like you can do something good and contribute something substantial. I talked to a friend today about how she met these guys who were super successful and rich but had second wives and second families and lived these double lives that was just disgusting to hear honestly. I mean what else can drive home the point that money and society's perception of 'success' doesn't bring happiness? If you can't decide on your own values and live your life by them and know that you are being true to yourself by sticking to your convictions then really what are you except katy perry's plastic bag in the fucking wind