Feeling drained today because I started doing my applications. Felt ridiculous but at the same time felt like it was a rite of passage... Don't feel particularly excited for anything I've applied for. I constantly feel upset that I haven't found that one thing in life I'm desperate to do.

If you want to feel like a failure just start searching for a job.

Still, end of the night, comfy in bed, Gus' arms around me as he snores lightly. Things could be a lot worse I suppose.

Haven't felt the urge to blog at all recently, or to write down anything important to me, really. It isn't even that I'm busy with school, I just don't even remember or feel the urge. In the past I would always feel like writing. Nowadays I just don't care. I wonder why that is? I only decided to write things down now because I read someone else's blog that reminded about how cathartic writing can be sometimes.

It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.

On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.

I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.

Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.

I don't even know how to blog anymore.

this blog is dying

i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'

things i have thought:

people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.

i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.

i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?

i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'

SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY

that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?

sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.

but it has to end.

here are some things i have written elsewhere:

had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen

never realized how many songs on the radio were songs that were like… ‘this is my life’ and ‘i’ll do what i want’ and ‘nobody can hold me down’. never realized how encouraging it is to hear things like that when you don’t expect it even if it’s coming from people who are super famous and successful.. really liking ‘roar’ by katy perry right now. i like that she calls herself a ‘champion’ it has a feel that is like i am ‘great’ and ‘unbeatable’ and ‘i will fucking vanquish all of you’…i like it i like being respected 

think my face looks not bad today but could have chosen better clothes for my body

hate that i am superficial like this, wish i didn’t care but i do care ~ 80% of the time 

i got sick of ‘safe & sound’ by capital cities faster than i thought i would

i am so tired and i didn’t even do anything today except wake up and drink coffee 

seems strange that we can feel/have things but simultaneously hide it from ourselves. if i was just totally honest with whatever i feel all the time and not feel ashamed for feeling them what would happen 

It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.

pictures from within the past week

studied at the table in the living room everyday for the whole of e-learning week but achieved asymmetric results due to 'studying' consisting of tumblr, shows, naps...

headed down to school at 8am on a saturday to play soccer for the inter faculty games. most fun i've had in all my time at NUS. makes me regret that i didn't do something sooner. i wish somebody told me, although i have a feeling even if someone did i would've been stubborn and rationalized with myself how stupid school activities are. to be fair there are some motherfucking dumb things that NUS offers as 'activities' but there are also other things that, if you find the right people, more than make up for it. am glad i got to play soccer with that team of girls. we made it all the way to the finals and won it for arts. i'm glad i have that t-shirt not because i'm proud to be in arts or to be in NUS but because i'm proud to have played with that team and am proud to have seen something to its end (and did not quit) and am proud to have contributed properly (actually scored goals)

got so super burnt. i was as red as a tomato on the first day. four days later (today) my skin is peeling really badly. i haven't reached the stage where flakes just permanently drizzle around me like a light dermatological shower, but i've definitely reached the stage where i don't want to look in the mirror anymore. it doesn't bother me when i can't see it, you see, even though i know it's there

also pictures from mystique, which is wanyi's DSA fundraising gala dinner at shangri-la. that was so much fun. mystique is one of the best nights of the year. always no regrets going. decent 7 course dinner as well, this time! twas a really, really good day

since that day have been going through some ups and downs.. the downs coming a little more unexpected but i'm rolling with the punches... i tell myself phrases like 'ain't nothing gonna get me down' and things like that to cope and bear with any pain that decides to surprise me. told ashley just the other day, whenever i'm down, i just tell myself 'this is just one of your down days. be patient and soon you'll be up again. it'll be over. just be patient. it'll be over.' that's how i get through things, if anyone needs to know -- know that your down days are unavoidable but just like every day tomorrow comes and one day it won't be a down day anymore. look forward to that <3

some of my favourite joke tweets

1. Dinner I cooked for Gus last night. Sesame oil chicken, stir fried potatoes and minced pork, stir fried baby bok choy

2. After eating 3 pounds worth of lobster and a dozen oysters at Pappadeaux. We went home and did nothing after

3. Customized salad from Whole Foods. I love it so much. Mixed greens, tomatoes, broccoli, grilled chicken, corn, peas, baby corn, egg and sesame ginger dressing

Can't explain the dread that fills me when I think about school. Over the years I have come to see NUS as harbinger of all things bad in my life i.e. nothing substantially good has come from NUS. In a way I feel like NUS is just a microcosm of Singapore on the whole, in that it is a place where you simply do what you have to do because it is necessary to some bigger cause. Students also seem to just be school fees-paying beings that have gotten it into their heads that NUS is providing them a special service... what I mean is that I feel that NUS does not necessarily care about its students. I am touched by the odd staff or friends here and there who don't seem fixed into place by the system but on the whole as an institution NUS does not give me the impression that it is somewhere a student can have the best student life. I know I should not complain, but on the other hand I think many of us should. There's a million and one things NUS can improve on if only people speak up.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because it is bidding period and I got a grand total of 1 module. My gripe is that if I find out I'm losing my place in a level 4 module to a year 3 student and because of that they don't allow my appeal to go through, then they're really just insensitive dicks and I have half the mind to make a big deal. Because it is a big deal. In my last year of academic learning, they want to me to take sloppy seconds and leftover modules? Every priority in honours year should go to honours students. It's only logical.

I don't know if I am becoming a stronger person...

I read something that said, "A real woman with confidence is one who earns it from experience. One who falls, knows she can get up again and be alright."

At the end of the day, I think whether or not you find all this self-confidence stuff bullshit or lame, it's the one thing that will push you through every other thing that seems real and therefore 'worthy' (or 'artistic' -.-) i.e. sadness, suffering, evil, etc. Whether or not it is something 'worthy' I think finding your own self worth and being your own person is the only shield/guard you can have in those 'me against the world' moments that come all too often, and are often more severe than they look.

I find it so hard to commit to things. Simple things. Fitness routines, drinking more water, waking up early. I don't know why I have such an issue. You can push yourself through really taxing, difficult spur of the moment things, but find that you lack such strength when it comes to the small things. Funny.

Remembering a thing from A Wild Sheep's Chase by Murakami that I just finished (my first murakami haha).

"I guess I felt attached to my weakness. My pain and suffering too. Summer light, the smell of a breeze, the sound of cicadas -- if I like these things, why should I apologize." 

And I suppose that is all too often what is happening. We grow comfortable with being a blob without bones, slip sliding around doing things with minimal effort so we don't have to know that our best is not good enough. Comfort zones aren't really soft, cushion-y couches, are they? They're more like big shields.. houses that have everything you'll ever need. That contributes to how you see yourself as well. As mediocre because you've never given yourself the opportunity to prove yourself wrong. So ultimately going outside your comfort zone is a way to show yourself that you are better than you think, and if we are our own worst critics, improving your self-perception will enable you to not give a fuck about what others think anyway.