tonight i am stumbling all over my words.

1.13am and there is a deadly silence in the room. i can only hear the ticking clock which is awful. it reminds me of how time is passing and how little i am doing. last sunday pastor talked about wealth, and solomon's experiments with wealth in searching for meaning in life. and as with everything, wealth is meaningless. it is difficult to come to terms with this, because that's just how materialistic our society is. i would be happier with this piece of clothing, i would be happier in this kind of house. all i know is, i am happy with the ones i love. if a 10m tsunami was approaching i would cling onto these people with all my life

what else? i met up with friends for dinner. and they have been my good friends for over at least seven years now. but circumstances keep us apart a lot. school, work, etc. when we come together there is a familiarity the has grown out of closeness years ago, but i cannot deny that every subsequent time there is a tiny rip and so it accumulates. i do not care what people think of this, i don't have many friends. at first i looked at this fact and thought, dear god i must be disgusting to other people. but slowly i adjusted and now i don't really care. i don't crave to find more friends, i don't seek company. i am alone but i am not lonely. sometimes i think about having a group of people to have prata with at 12am, or to have fun nights out with often, but i have adapted because it was necessary. to put on a strong face and eat alone in a crowded canteen. to not have someone to message/talk to when i am fighting with Gus. everybody tells me, you need friends. friends are good. but i am okay without friends... sometimes it is lonely but mostly i am okay. to be very honest sometimes the only thing i worry about out of this is the fact that i will not have networks/contacts for the future. i think people might think i am a loser but i am past the point of caring...

somedays i think all i need is my dog, a cup of milo, iPod and a book/movie. i think you can find friends in these things. probably can find better friends in these things than if you go out purposely looking for them. there are some people that are destined to be in your life. i think you just go about your own thing and one day they will find you. it will be natural and effortless. everything will seamlessly come together and then i will stop having thoughts like these