Spent the last hour or so looking at make-up-y things and beauty tips and whatnot. Had to catch myself. Sometimes I am positive I do not love myself enough, that there are so many things I would change in a heartbeat. I could make a whole list. And when I think about that, that sometimes that is the way I think, I find myself very repulsed because however clichéd it is, I know the key to having confidence and moving forward in life (whether it be school, work, relationships, etc) is to accept yourself for who you are, love yourself for what God has given you. Many times that is really so difficult. When I look in the mirror I can only see "ugly" screaming at me. But if I let society determine how I look ("ugly" compared to the girls called "pretty") then I have let them determine the entire trajectory of my life! And how can you do that? How can you not want to rip your own life out of the claws of the extremely mindless, superficial social construct that aims to either celebrate you for being pretty or destroy for being anything other than pretty.
Also, fuck those advertisements that talk about how beautiful people are no matter what. Those stupid, cheesy guys on tumblr who make gifs of them saying "you are beautiful". And what else is fucked up is Hollywood, especially when they make stupid shows about "ugly" girls who get the hot guys, and the "ugly" girls are actually very fucking hot. I'm ranting, but my point is that you cannot depend on these things to tell you that you are beautiful. You can't even depend on me because if to me, you're not beautiful, I'm not going to say you are and lie to you. So I don't expect that from other people either. You can only depend on yourself to believe that even if you are not up to the standards society has set, FUCK IT. Because who cares what they think? I don't try to tell myself "I'm beautiful" ten times a day and hope I believe it. Mostly because I don't end up believing it (and as long as mirrors exist I probably won't. Everytime I look in one it's like society is punching me in the stomach). So instead I tell myself that I don't need this shit, I don't need to feel affirmed by strangers commenting on my face, I don't need to feel like shit because it's a fucking waste of my time and I have better things to be occupied with.
And you know what happens to people who grow up all their lives being told they're pretty and derive their whole identity from it, right? They get pretty insecure, especially when their beauty fades. They also tend to have pretty sucky personalities. So yes, another cliché but clichés are clichés because they're tried and true -- BEAUTY FUCKING FADES. So why waste the effort, right? As long as you are presentable just step out that damn door and don't look back.
One day there will be somebody who will love you when you have no make-up on and are getting fat, and your insecurities will not die when that happens, but you will reach a point where in the midst of all your flurry of need to look "pretty" you will realize that it is all meaningless. If, fortunately for you, you are a 10/10 bombshell who has a man who "loves" you then you better make sure you have a fucking great personality.
Can you feel my anger? Sometimes I really hate this society. Sometimes I think I'd give a lot to be happy in some third world country with my farmer husband, my children in some village, eating awesome homegrown food wearing sarongs. And after going to Burma I will tell you that is so fucking possible it makes me jealous.
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