Seeing everyone celebrate halloween makes me feel like my youth is running away from me. It is faster than I am and so this widening gape between us makes it even harder for me to reach out and catch it. Like it's running to find someone who's going to use it, use it properly. I find it hard to think of things that makes me immediately a young person, aside from the fact that I don't work, I go to school and I can sleep for more than 15 hours non-stop. No, I really can't. That's not to say I don't love my life now, because I do, I love my family and I love Gus and I love everything... but sometimes I think, I wish I had more fun. I wish I had a stable group of friends, up for having fun, really good fun, every now and then. Of course I'm not obsessed with the hedonistic nature of say, clubbing and drinking and whatnot, but I think once in awhile, it is fun, and as a 20 year old I think I'm entitled to have that fun.

I don't know what it is, the logistics, the incompatible clash of personalities, the sheer unluckiness of the arrangement of my life's particles... some people seem born with friends who are as ready to down a tequila shot as they are to chill out with a book. Where are these people hiding?!

My life's paradox: love to be alone but want to have fun. How to have fun alone? Don't remember the last time I went to a party or the club. Seems so long ago. I don't even need to go to a club, just anything, whatever, a bar or someone's house to do something stupid and crazy, just whatever. God before I know it I'll be 30 and my twenties will have been a big fat nothing.