long pointless post

haven't blogged in a long time because of reasons i myself am not sure of. i think it is a combination of settling down into a boring but comfortable routine, one which requires little energy of me outside of work. at 5pm everyday i can feel my bones slackening and my posture droop considerably. i like what i do at work, i just don't like working, if that makes any sense. like, i would gladly do what i'm required to do but be free of the constraints of an office life. i don't like offices. i marvel at how everybody else never seem to tire. they sit at their desks with their eyes bright and alert at 5pm as they were at 10am. me, i just get restless and fidgety and sleepy. am unsure what this implies about my character. that i lack discipline? lack focus? perhaps an optimist will tell me that i am just some sort of 'free agent', that i need to work within looser boundaries, but personally i think i choose to believe that i am just lazy

in fact, i am only blogging right now because i'm restless and fidgety

that being said, i think i have contributed a lot to the project we are working on. i get to do more than i expected in any case. constantly there is a flow of information between my supervisor and i, and between us we get things done. of course i am starting to realize a lot of things: the perils of administrative inefficiency, the prima donna/diva attitudes of some 'famous' people committed to a 'good cause', the other side of an NGO, that is, beyond their single initiatives that occur relatively minimally throughout the year, the rest of the time is spent scraping for money to fund them. also i find that i disagree with several things within the organisation but of course i will never say, it is simply not my place, maybe if at the end i have to fill up a feedback form of some sort

wrt my lazy boring routine that dominates most of my days, i start to wonder if that is at all bad. should i be spending my time doing something more stimulating and productive? read some philosophy? discover some 'real' music? hang out with 'real' people? buy a poetry book? sometimes i wonder if there is any merit at all to being 'deep' or having multiple dimensions. i refuse to read sad books or sad movies because i don't see the need to engage in such extreme emotion when i can avoid it. not that i am ecstatically happy all the time, but i don't have to discover some raw, unknown pool of emotion within me. i feel i know all i have to, that i hate three things: loss, rejection and helplessness. i have read and watched enough of this to know what it will do to me when the time comes. it is the law of diminishing utility. once you are exposed to a certain thing, consequent exposure doesn't necessarily educate you more. for the same reason people have become desensitized to poverty in third world countries or environmental damage. in any case, in uni i have to read enough about 'problems' as it is, so what is wrong if i want to read a science fiction novel that is not analogous of some pertinent and deep aspect of the human condition, or watch a korean variety show that is purely for laughs? i don't see anything wrong

in any case i am not entirely sure what being exposed to all this raw emotion is supposed to teach, but at the end of it all i think it teaches nothing that i don't already know, except cynicism which does not emerge on top. i think i have become cynical enough myself with the considerably little exposure i've had to 'deep' things, but even if 'winning' does not triumph through the barrage of negative emotion, what does, i feel, is compassion, and love, and no matter how deeply i feel things have no meaning at any point, i will never stop feeling pain if others are in pain, and love when i can afford it. and if i have any sort of grasp on what life is supposed to be about i am most confident that it revolves around this: being aware that your air is also someone else's, but that it is not always fresh for them, or that you are one end of a see saw, waiting to lift someone else up, as much as you can

i feel my judgmental tendencies and selfish nature have been shaped and moulded by a certain demographic, a certain type of people that, ironically, in establishing themselves as the legitimate/'civilized' or 'correct'/'superior' personnel that have authority to make fun of others, engage in completely base and primitive behaviour vis-a-vis other people. if anything i've grown up surrounded by these people and become one of them myself. if anything i have learnt that i must disengage from such mindsets, and stop mistaking their opinions for my own